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“Since childhood I’ve had a fondness for the triceratops” – Jeff Goldblum
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|_| |_|28.07.16 ISSUE 796
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* The NEW new Posh’n’Becks
* International vagina droughts
* Charts: Bieber/Major Lazer = No.1?
>> Hair today <<
A fresh bit of turf
Premier League teams have just got back into training for the new season. Chelsea have welcomed a number of new faces to the team, but even some of their old faces are looking unexpectedly fresh.
The latest “I Know What You Did This Summer” speculation at Cobham training ground is all about Cesc Fabregas – and what looks like an off-season hair transplant.
At least someone is ready for the games in Brazil: Rio dealers are currently selling bags of gak with full five-ring Olympic branding.
>> Weed found love <<
Not what you came for
It’s nothing short of a miracle that the Calvin Harris/Rihanna video for This Is What You Came For even happened – let alone got nominated for a VMA.
The production was set to start at 11am, and they had a six-hour shooting schedule. At 11am, RiRi was still in her trailer. As she was at 12pm. And at 1pm. And at 2pm…
She finally stumbled out of her trailer 13 hours later, ready to work but somewhat stoned.
Luckily for everyone involved, she was such a pro she didn’t need anything like six hours. She got her shots all wrapped in just under 90 minutes.
Congratulations to Nick Johnson, who became the first person to catch every Pokemon in Pokemon Go.
>> Big Questions <<
Who’s asking what this week?
School friends of which British world-class sports star remember him as being one of a gang of bullies who beat up a classmate so badly he was hospitalised? The rest of them got expelled for the attack, except for our guy – whose dad intervened and pleaded with the headmaster, insisting that expulsion would damage his future career.
The 36th Annual Ernest Hemingway Look-Alike Contest in Key West, Florida was won this week by a man called Hemingway.
>> The wedding singer <<
Corden: not the biggest twat
The wedding planner who arranged James Corden’s wedding has been speaking this week about his job and some of his clients.
And while he had nothing but nice things to say about Corden (boo!) he did mention that there was a female singer at the event who behaved like an “absolute diva”.
So we took a look over the guest list, and the only one we could see was… Natalie Imbruglia?
FYI: Keen readers may remember that it was Corden’s wedding where all the rumours about Natalie Imbruglia giving Harry Styles a handjob in a copse spawned from.
CJ de Mooi off BBC quizshow Eggheads is living in self-imposed penury in South Africa, living off dry bread in his attempt to become an actor.
>> Dry another way <<
Socket to me one more time
Dry-socketing might be all the rage in Hollywood at the minute, but it’s old hat to the rest of the world.
Rather than stick a sock up there though, women in Java prefer to ‘dry out’ by smoking their vaginas over a bed of smouldering herbs.
Another method in Indonesia is the ‘Tongkat Madura’, a cigar-shaped stick made of a plant root which is inserted in the vagina. It’s supposed to keep things ‘dry’ and ‘clean’ – and also to increase sexual desire.
And in South Africa sales of a dried fruit lengangajane (or ‘punani fruit’ as it’s known) have been rocketing because it’s thought to make the vagina tighter.
If it only there was a fruit that did the same for bumholes, maybe Hollywood would be interested…
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DO STUFF launches a new 60-minute escape game this Friday in Battersea. Perfect for friends, gamers or a corporate away day, check out the launch party 7.30pm, 29 July, The Grove, 279 Battersea Park Road http://www.dostuffescapegames.com
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>> One more dance <<
Drake’s close to the record
Drake’s One Dance has tied with Wet Wet Wet for the second longest number one record ever: 15 weeks.
While we make no case for the quality of their cover of Love Is All Around (or, for that matter, Bryan Adams’ 16 week number one, Everything I Do) it did at least seem like a big thing at the time.
But One Dance? It’s not even the biggest record of 2016 (that’s Lukas Graham). Even Mike Posner’s piss-poor I Took A Pill In Ibiza has sold more. It’s been about six weeks since One Dance was the biggest selling track. For the last two weeks it’s not even been in the top 10 downloads.
Of course, music habits have changed, but a chart that just reflects what’s on a load of big Spotify playlists doesn’t really have much purpose, does it? And yet the problem might not be that easy to fix. Music industry execs say it’s become more important to please the Spotify behemoth than labels and artists. So who wants to be the one to try and limit their newly-won influence?
Bryan Adams’ record looks safe. Bieber and Major Lazer’s Cool Water should be number one tomorrow.
>> A new direction <<
Pop wannabe goes global
Liam Payne’s move away from 1D’s label and management this week to Doyen Global prompted loads of headlines about how he was joining “David Beckham and Usain Bolt’s management team.”
That’s not quite right. Doyen’s popular director Simon Oliviera has been Beckham’s publicist for years but Beckham’s management is still handled by Simon Fuller’s XIX. And what Doyen have done for Usain Bolt is produce a promotional film in preparation for the Rio Olympics. (Bolt’s manager is Ricky Simms, who also has Mo Farah.)
So while they’re certainly as well-placed as anyone to try and turn Liam and his PR stunt/girl friend Cheryl Fernandez-Tweedy-Cole into the new Posh’n’Becks, he’s actually signed up to an agency whose other big flagship management client is… Arsenal reserve defender Calum Chambers.
Cute news for Star Trek fans. In a love that spans 200 years, a cast member from Deep Space 9 is dating a cast member from Enterprise.
>> A matter of Truss <<
Liz in an earlier life
Pictures have emerged this week of Justice Secretary and Lord Chancellor Liz Truss from her early days as a Lib Dem Youth activist – campaigning against a Criminal Justice Bill that was introduced by the Tories.
The Lib Dem’s youth and student chapter were quite a fiesty bunch in the early 90s, and they had a number of other causes that they continually fought for; campaigns that caused Lib Dem leader Paddy Ashdown no end of headaches.
But whether Liz Truss was also there, standing side by side with her fellow LDYS activists, as they campaigned for the legalisation of cannabis and the abolition of the monarchy remains to be seen.
See the pictures here.
Russian PM Dmitri Medvedev is two centimetres shorter than Nicolas Sarkozy.
>> Bookie review <<
Up against the odds
The idea that betting odds are a good predictor in politics has taken a hell of a beating lately. Take Brexit, for example. Late on June 23rd the odds on Leave hit 10-1; Remain was more like 1-8.
And yet, post referendum, it seems that most companies actually saw the vast majority of bets placed on Leave – something like 70% of the total number. The market was skewed though by a small number of high-value Remain punts – largely by city bettors influenced by their banks’ private polling, which predicted 60-40 for Remain.
So what lessons are there for the US Presidential election? Well, the big bets have been on Clinton but in the last week Trump’s odds have shortened, with a lot of bookmakers slashing them as low as 11-8. The sheer number of smaller bets being placed in his name means that bookies don’t want to be caught out again. Brexit 2 unfolding? Or is the market just being priced more realistically?
Highest grossing film globally 2016? Captain America: Civil War.
>> Cooking the books <<
Heston’s chain of command
Heston Blumenthal hasn’t been making many friends with the shoppers in Barnes Bookshop. One of them reports how long it takes to buy anything if Heston’s ever in the shop.
Rather than dealing with the staff directly to see if the items he wants are in stock, Heston whispers in the ear of his assistant who then has to go up to the desk to ask the staff if it’s in stock. The assistant then has to relay the message back to the great man as the cashier waits.
If he has another question, such as “Will they deliver it?”, there is another round of whispering behind hands and relaying of messages – the whole thing taking about four times as long as normal.
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Media Masters podcast: Press Regulator Matt Tee, CEO of IPSO, talks phone hacking and tackling rogue press. Listen to it here.
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>> Hmmms <<
Lembit, dildos, metal
The Cristiano Ronaldo CR7 blanket.
Take a trip down memory lane with these scans from Select Magazine.
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Thanks to: MC, posh_duckhunter, NB, HC, PR, SW, C, JS, mr_david, PR
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Old Jokes Home:
I’ve just been asked what ringtone I have. I said “I’ve never really looked, but probably light brown”.
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