Have You Been Behaving?

The Palace has been in overdrive recently, trying their hardest to stop speculative stories about the Royals from spinning out of control. It’s been a bit of a baptism of fire for their new PR guy. He took the job thinking he was going to be working for Harry and Meghan (in itself, no small task) but has now been roped in to help out with Wills and Kate as well.

Still, at least it’s an easier job than the one he had before. Trying to spin positive press for DExEU: the Department for Exiting the European Union…

Philip Green has been pilloried in the press in recent months for being a sexual menace to the junior members of his team, but we can’t help feeling that the reports have misrepresented matters somewhat. Sir Phil is equally happy to be a massive creep to his high-ranking staffers too.

One of his regular wheezes was to walk past one of his heads of finance, squeeze her hips as he went and grumble “Have you been behaving, naughty?”

Which British YouTuber caused a hell of a scene at a fancy London members club this week? A meeting he had with a TV producer went south pretty quickly, ending abruptly with the star flipping his chair and storming out through a set of doors so hard that one of them came off its hinges.

(Who said rock’n’roll was dead, eh?)

The Daily Star’s move from Richard Desmond’s stable of smut to Trinity Mirror’s more right-on empire has been a surprisingly seamless transition. But behind the scenes, at least one huge change has been made. Last week, topless models disappeared from the Star’s page 3 – and they’re not coming back.

The fact that the change was slipped out with zero fanfare suggests that management was hoping to get away with it without anyone noticing. However, when nobody actually did notice, it got them even more worried. Some of the Star’s long-suffering staff fear that the reason there hasn’t been a resulting media storm means that no-one’s actually reading their paper anymore.

Never fear, chaps! We saw what you did – and we’re here to pay tribute to the end of a British institution and some of the stars that Page 3 produced.

Sam Fox was one of Page 3’s biggest success stories, but her influence extended far beyond the UK. Sam was surprisingly huge across the Middle East in the 90s too. Her name would often be graffitied across walls and buildings in Tehran. She was a favoured pin-up in Palestine – and she even popped up as a topic of conversation during Lebanese security interrogations.

According to someone who once found themselves getting grilled by Lebanon’s finest, the questioning official broke up their interview with some lighter bits of talk about their shared interest in Sam Fox’s music career and glamour portfolio.

Before hammering back into Bad Cop mode and monstering him about his ties to Israel.

It’s a tired and sexist trope to suggest that Page 3 models were blessed with beauty rather than brains, but Jayne Middlemiss really didn’t help things.

While filming a package for a BBC show at a seal sanctuary in St Ives, Jayne was heard more than once expressing sadness to the film crew that the seal they were filming had no legs. Poor Jayne apparently thought the seal had ended up in the sanctuary because it had lost its limbs.

The most famous model Page 3 ever produced was undoubtedly Katie Price (a.k.a, Jordan). The secret to her success? Always giving the crowd what they wanted.

A few years back, she did an outdoor event at a race track as a promotion for a motoring magazine. They’d set up a live version of the TV show Blind Date on stage, with racing driver Eddie Irvine as the bachelor and Pricey as one of the three girls behind the screen.

Eddie’s first question was “What would you do if you heard the four minute warning?”

Katie’s answer? “First, I’d wank you off. Then I’d wank myself off. And then [gesturing to the crowd] I’d wank you lot off!”

While Simon Cowell is still struggling to decide which spin-off idea will best rejuvenate his ailing X Factor franchise, we might have found him a perfect answer.

The best pitch at TV industry gathering MIP Markets this last week was for a show titled ‘Remember Me’: a Chinese update on X Factor in which contestants sing songs on stage with holograms of their dead relatives. Relatives whose voices are reproduced by a synthesiser.

How’s that for a dramatic overhaul?

We mentioned last week that Ken Livingstone’s big plan to book Grace Jones for a Greater London Council summer party in the 80s fell apart when Ms Jones asked for ten grand’s worth of cocaine on her rider. Instead, he ended up booking Amazulu – and it sounds like it was the start of something rather special for Ken.

A journalist who interviewed him a few years later over a curry in Nottingham asked him why Amazulu always ended up on the bill for GLC concerts. Ken’s response? “Ah, yes. That was me. I just love the way that girl moves. But if you print that, I’ll deny it and sue.”

We look forward to hearing from your lawyers, Ken.

1/ The Veronicas single, Think Of Me
The lyrics are made even more eye-opening when you learn they’re all about the singer’s ex, Ruby Rose
[Watch on YouTube]

2/ Heavily tipped rising star Bazzi’s Paradise has a huge chorus and a snogfest of a video.
[Watch on YouTube]

3/ The children of Iceland are starting Hatari tribute acts and it is adorable (if only Junior Eurovision was this good, we’d maybe watch it)
[Watch on YouTube]

The National Enquirer to be sold? Seems it’s become too toxic even for hedge fund managers…
[Read on WaPo]

Congratulations to Fuzz from Pop Will Eat Itself/Bentley Rhythm Ace for this
[Boris + Johnson]

What do you know about Redbridge diarrhoea rates?
[Read on Ilford Recorder]

Orlando Bloom’s house is up for sale
[See the listing]

Attending to a huge marijuana farm fire in Canada that happened this week? Fire Chief Bill Stoner!
[See on CBC]

Local News Of The Week (with some primo ‘disappointed customer’ photos)
[Read on BristolLive]

Still Bored?
Panicking that you’re only halfway through season 6 of GoT? “Previously, on… Game of Thrones” will get you up to speed in time for Monday’s S8 premiere with its micro podcasts from Thronecast presenter Jamie East.
[Download/Listen here]