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Want to get involved in the funniest film of the year? It’s all about human trafficking, Jesus and a porn film:
http://tinyurl.com/adultcontentmovie
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“The way I look isn’t about feeling sexy for me; I like to feel hilarious and quick-witted” – Alexa Chung
POPBITCH _ _ _ _
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|_| |_| 29.05.14 ISSUE 692
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To send stories email: hello@popbitch.com
* Putting the willies up Max Clifford
* The Big Belgian World Cup Bet
* Charts: Secondcity – new number one
>> Stockholm syndrome <<
Will Julian ever be happy?
Next month, Julian Assange will mark his two year anniversary living inside the Ecuadorian embassy in London. He’s been holed up there to avoid being extradited to Sweden to face rape accusations, as he fears it’s all a ruse to have him further extradited to the US.
And yet despite trying his very hardest to avoid being sent to Sweden, Assange has been whining about the fact he has been banned from attending the Stockholm Internet Forum.
In Stockholm.
In Sweden.
A rumour going around current affairs reporters – the BBC has mysteriously canned a programme on U2’s tax affairs?
>> Maximum Security <<
Putting the willies up Clifford
When Max Clifford got to his prison cell, he found a note waiting for him on his bunk.
It simply said, “All the bad things you have heard about prison are true”.
So who could have arranged for such a nice welcome for the noncey publicist? Fingers are pointing at legendary convict, John McVicar, who had been ripped off by Maxie back in the day and was waiting for his moment…
A European Election Anagram Special, pt I “The Conservatives” = Cretins have votes.
>> Big Question <<
Who’s been asking what this week
Which of the Yewtree suspects would offer co-workers he fancied a going rate of fifty quid for a blow job?
Will Radio 5live’s plan to downsize its afternoon shows from three to two mean that Richard Bacon’s overheard grumbled wish not to have to travel to Manchester comes true?
On the menu at a dinner held by Vladimir Putin for news agency editors last weekend… “Crimean Flounder”.
>> The doll house <<
Play School goes to Skegness
As we feared, the rumour that Elton John was the secret auction bidder for Humpty from Play School was untrue. But we were delighted to learn that the new owner’s family are Popbitch readers.
They tell us that Humpty’s new home is in Skegness and he is now owned by a photography company which specialises in school photos.
And should Elton be interested, they might be open to offers…
Westminster Cockwatch – R writes: “Nick Clegg, sleek and, dare one say, polished looking, although for some reason peering down at it seemed to make him sad.”
>> Prophets and losses <<
“The straight edge metal band”
When Ian Watkins from Lostprophets was arrested in late 2012, the rest of the band were very quick to issue a statement about it through their official website. Since then, it seems no-one’s been paying a great deal of attention to the site.
We’re not entirely sure what’s happened but they seem to be less concerned about Watkins’ string of sexual abuses and more concerned about making sure their fans know how to use online casinos correctly.
Alan Pardew was seen snacking at the Son Of A Bun burger van on the port at the Monaco Grand Prix.
>> Belgian bills <<
World Cup supermarket sweep
A big bookmaker told us they’d just taken a 50k bet on Belgium to win the World Cup. A win would net the punter a million quid.
And then we heard it from another. The same bet. And another… Now we think we’ve counted six 50k bets in the last week.
Something weird going on? Well, not sure, but this could explain it.
A big Belgian supermarket chain launched a massive marketing promotion – shop three times in the World Cup, and if Belgium win your fourth shop is free. No doubt the marketing muppets were patting themselves on the back. Until the bean-counters worked out it could result in a six million euro hole in their finances, as shoppers rush to fill their boots.
Hence the rush to get some money in the betting markets to pay it off. Take a 300k hit now or a 6 million one in July.
FYI: There’s also a rumour going round of a similar thing if Switzerland make the QFs – any Swiss readers know anything? email hello@popbitch.com
FT reports that a recent Mercedes-Benz online ad campaign was viewed more by auto computer programmes than human beings.
>> Blind hate <<
Making friends in the air
Watching Cilla get a lifetime gong at the Baftas, in front of an incredibly half-hearted standing ovation, reminded us just how many stories from flight attendants we’ve had over the years about her.
On one flight, in first class, Cilla was refusing to speak to cabin crew, never saying please or thank you, issuing all orders through her PA. The full nine yards. Eventually the flight attendant grew so tired of her behaviour, he leaned over to speak directly to her:
“I knew you couldn’t sing, but I didn’t know you couldn’t fucking speak”.
A European Election Anagram Special, pt II “Liberal Democrats” = A terrible old scam.
>> Foot-balls <<
Dancing with tears in our eyes
We mentioned a few weeks back that Daniel Sturridge was angling to get a producer to make him a record for his ridiculous dance. Looks like Duke Dumont, the first choice, didn’t step up. But someone has. The result is, somewhat predictably, absolute shit.
European Election Anagram Special, pt III “The British National Party” is an anagram of “Inhabitants pray to Hitler”
>> Hmms <<
Flange, Otters, Kate
Vanessa Feltz’ groper is the fifty quid gob-jobber:
http://dexpr.es/1oJhJaF
Sadly for Max Clifford his conviction means he’s unlikely to ever be able to enter this:
http://bit.ly/1k6N3PQ
We thought The Hooligan Factory was going to be the shittest film ever and turns out it’s not:
http://bit.ly/1rjLL9p
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Thanks to: SG, DW, SC, TG, K, JC, MW, KS, JC, JR, B, JR, Monstris and SK for the anagrams
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Old Jokes Home:
My local cinema manager has died.
His funeral is next Tuesday at 2.30, 5.00 and 7.30.
Still Bored:
“Wine From Temporary Occupied Crimea Territory”:
http://bit.ly/1wqOsGg
