Horny Security Disaster

There’s an awful lot of misery in the world at the minute. Every day seems to bring a new raft of fresh horrors – and moments of joy seem increasingly hard to come by.

So we feel duty bound to pass across this little snippet that arrived in the inbox this week. It’s only a sentence, but it’s brought a much-needed flicker of happiness every time we’ve stopped to think about it.

Vic Reeves’ son-in-law works at an Audi garage with one of the Cheeky Girls.

By now, you’ll have seen the photo of William Wragg MP (patient zero of the Westminster Honeytrap Scandal) posing forlornly at his desk for a newspaper shoot, seemingly unaware that his WiFi password was pinned up on his wall in full view of the camera.

But there was something else on his wall that caught our eye too. An aspirational quote from Oprah’s spiritual guru (and one-time presidential hopeful) Marianne Williamson.

The words of wisdom that the bumbling, horny security disaster keeps next to his desk?

“Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us. We ask ourselves, ‘Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous?’ Actually, who are you not to be?”

Does anyone know exactly where the usually eco-conscious Chris Martin took a private jet for a little intercontinental Easter trip the other weekend?

One person who will be especially glad to see the back of OJ Simpson is David Hasselhoff. The Hoff has always maintained that OJ was the reason his music career never took off in the States the way it did in Europe. And with good reason too.

In 1994, David was all set to introduce his musical stylings to the American public, having arranged a big pay-per-view US TV special. Unfortunately, the special was scheduled for broadcast on June 17th.

The same day OJ ended up going for an impromptu drive along the LA freeway in a white Bronco – which somewhat monopolised the evening broadcasts.

Morale continues to deteriorate at quite a clip over at TalkTV.

Earlier today, Julia Hartley-Brewer became so incensed with the quality of callers to her show that during an ad break she hissed at crew, “Whoever is producing the phone calls and texts needs to be marched out of this building and shot.” Then, apparently to herself, “No wonder the channel is going down. There’s 100 people out there and they have fuck all clue what they’re doing.”

FYI: Things aren’t any more rosy over at rival station GB News. We hear CEO Angelos Frangopoulos addressed the company in a town hall meeting earlier this week to announce that auditors are being drafted in to help “streamline” operations.

In characteristically chaotic style, Daniel Bedingfield is making a comeback to mark the 20th anniversary of Gotta Get Thru This… 22 years after it was released. You won’t hear us complaining though. The pop scene is always a better place for having Bedders in it. Why? Because:

* He claims to remember the exact moment he was born (“I remember being dragged out by the surgeon – it was very traumatic”).

* While a student at Lewisham College, he composed and performed the hold music for the school’s phone system (“Lewisham College / Achieving Ambitions”).

* When he was first signed to Relentless Records, label staff there used to take phone interviews pretending to be him because they could never predict what crazy shit would end up in print if he did them.

* When he was being courted by major labels for his second album, one of the big players decided the best way to get him to sign was by taking him to Spearmint Rhino for a night of lap-dancing debauchery. Unfortunately, they didn’t realise Bedders is a devout Christian (his parents were missionaries) so their plan completely backfired. He not only refused to sign with them, he took up with the label’s rival, Polydor, instead.

More former Disney crew have been telling us stories about their time serving under the ever-watchful eye of Walt.

One performer who did a spell at Disney World remembers a time that one of the women playing Alice turned up to work after enduring a minor skiing injury, sporting a small visible cut on her nose. She covered it with make-up and a small plaster before she went out to mingle with the crowds.

As soon as one of her higher-ups spotted her, she was pulled from circulation. They couldn’t have one of the Alices wandering about with a visible injury, while all the other Alices were unblemished. So an all-Alice meeting was called in order to brief the uninjured Alices about how to deal with any questions guests might have about the injury they’d seen Alice had earlier – and how she’d recovered so swiftly.

The recent One Night In Millstreet documentary has had one reader reminiscing about a run-in they once had with Chris Eubank – the night that Eubank became friends with Jean Claude Van Damme.

JCVD was at the Manchester Arena to watch a title fight. Although he had a ringside seat, that didn’t grant him access to VIP toilets, so he had to slum it in the general access ones. The only trouble was, when Van Damme paid a visit, he was immediately swarmed by masses of lairy Mancunians all jostling to get a photo of him with his knob out.

Unwilling to unzip in front of them but close to bursting, Van Damme was about to leave the arena completely to see if he could relieve himself in a nearby restaurant. That’s when his guardian angel intervened. News of Van Damme’s situation had made it to Chris Eubank’s private box, who sent word via venue security that Van Damme was welcome to come and use his toilet.

And from there, a lasting friendship was formed.

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