“I Want The Filth Gone, Now!”

Straight out of the trap on Monday when the pubs in England reopened was the Prime Minister’s fiancée, Carrie Symonds – who wasted no time decamping to a Belgravia restaurant with girlfriends for a night on the wine and cocktails.

Given all that’s been going on at No.10 in recent weeks, with the cloud of the Jennifer Arcuri affair back on the horizon, there must have been plenty to chat about – but we wondered if we should read anything into her choice of venue?

The restaurant she picked? Wild By Tart.

Word around the Baby Shard is that Rob Rinder and Jeremy Kyle have both been spotted at the TalkRadio studio recently, potentially being lined up to take over from the recently-departed Dan Wootton. Who would be best for the job? Well, it sort of depends on what they’d want from a replacement.

If they’re after someone who can command a call-in show that deals in bold opinions, delivered forcefully with a no-nonsense attitude – then Rinder seems like a solid choice.

If, on the other hand, they’re looking for someone who will continue to foster an unpleasant work environment that occasionally drives people to seek therapy – they don’t come more qualified than Kyle.

Which tabloid journalist has such impressive homing skills that, even after a heavy night on the sauce, they somehow managed to find their way back to their desk at NewsUK? Even more impressive: they no longer worked there and aren’t supposed to own a working security pass…

The drawback of dedicating your life to the service of a country like the United Kingdom is that, once you’ve carked it, its libel laws absolutely hang you out to dry. Still, now there’s less chance of the Royal lawyers getting mad at us for asking, maybe we’ll get to find out if there was ever any truth to the many crazy rumours that circulated about Phil over the years.

The rumours that he was the real dad of Valerie Singleton, for instance. Or the real dad of Helen Mirren. Or that he once had an affair with Joanna Lumley. Or that he was the naked waiter tending at Stephen Ward’s Profumo Scandal sex parties.

The one we’re most curious to know the truth behind though is the rumour that went around the set of The Crown a few years ago. The one suggesting that the reason its writer, Peter Morgan, is so obsessed with the Royals is because Philip once had an affair with his mum.

FYI: The Lumley rumour once made its way into a joke in an episode of Ab Fab (S5E3) where Eddie and Patsy are killing time in a panic room and Patsy admits to having shagged Brad Pitt, Hugh Grant and Prince Philip.

Prince Philip’s media nickname “Phil The Greek” wasn’t just confined to the press. For a while, “The Greek” was also the secret code name by which his police protection officers referred to him.

Less interesting: the Queen’s code name was “Purple One”.

More interesting: Prince Andrew’s was “The Cunt”.

Shortly after the famed pornographer Richard Desmond moved his media operation to the flashy Northern & Shell Tower, Prince Philip was called upon to perform the building’s official opening ceremony.

What attracted Phil to the assignment is anyone’s guess. At the time N&S had a healthy slate of publications, including such esteemed periodicals as “Horny Housewives”, “Big Ones International”, “Only 18”, “Asian Babes”, “Mother-In-Laws” and “Pregnant Babes”. But, on the morning of the Duke’s arrival, staff were suddenly ordered to hide any and all traces of pornographic material.

Or, to quote Desmond precisely: “I WANT ALL THE FUCKING FILTH GONE, NOW!”

Unsurprisingly, this left the tower building looking rather desolate, so staff were told to redecorate the walls with pages from their major non-porn title, OK!, and were instructed to pretend that they all worked for it if asked.

All the effort was sadly wasted, however, as Phil never actually set foot inside the offices – and left after five minutes.

E writes:
“My late grandfather was an anaesthetist to stars and royalty. I once asked him who swore the most upon regaining consciousness after an op and, without hesitation, he said it was Prince Philip.

“Apparently he used ‘absolutely vile language, not befitting a prince at all’.”

Annoying though the delay is, it tickled us to see that Grace Jones’ Meltdown Festival has been pushed back again to 2022. As someone who is famously late for every one of her gigs, it feels fitting – and we have our fingers crossed that she still somehow manages to be two years and six hours late for this one too.

Mind you, it’s never been easy to get Grace Jones to play the South Bank. Back in the 80s, Ken Livingstone tried to hire her to play a Greater London Council summer party at Jubilee Gardens, but negotiations fell through because of one particular request on her rider.

The one for £10K of cocaine.

It’s not often you get to report on a hiring spree in modern media, but the Sunday Mirror has suddenly found itself with quite a few vacancies.

Two positions have opened up thanks to an interoffice affair that exploded pretty messily – the upshot of which has seen someone getting shifted sideways out of their current job, and a previously promised promotion being nixed.

There’s also a third position back on the cards too, after they had to cancel a prospective candidate’s new contract before he started. They’ve had a hell of a time filling that post. The guy who had it previously left after he was found harassing a junior female staff member. The guy before him got in trouble for much the same thing. Bosses thought they’d finally found someone suitable to fill the position, when one of their hacks threatened to quit over the proposed appointment – on account of the new guy being… you guessed it! A notorious bully and pest!

Ah, well. Fourth time lucky…

Sounds as though guests at the Chiltern Firehouse aren’t the only ones to have witnessed the inartful thrustings of George Osborne. Runners on various TV and radio shows all have horror stories to swap of the times they entered their respective green rooms to see if their guest needed anything, only to get an eyeful of George and his partner-of-the-moment in full-on, teenage-style heavy petting mode.

One who worked on a morning TV show says the one benefit of being subjected to such a sight first thing was that they hadn’t yet had breakfast.

A playlist of various radio stations jackknifing into their Prince Philip obits
[R1 Dance is an all-timer]

Tom Cruise’s Colorado ranch is on the market
[Don’t expect change from $40m]

The rejected hats from Clockwork Orange
[See on Twitter]

Using AI to create more versions of Barbie Girl by Aqua
[Hear the monstrosities]

Local News Of The Week: Hugh Grant Sausage Spot Edition
[See on Bristol Post]

An oral history of the Wonder Showzen segment Beat Kids
[Read on AV Club]

Laughably shit Mark Wahlberg docuseries trailer
[“I got the bug. The bug for business…”]

The old “Change a word, take a third” routine between singers and their songwriters is coming to a head
[Interesting read on BBC]

Still Bored?
“Nice beer selection but for some reason Johnny Borrell is always there”
[London’s 25 Most Mediocre Pubs]