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Don’t just wake up with a hangover this Xmas party season – get that warm and fuzzy feeling – Do Something good. Show us your fuzzy – if we all like it you could win an iPad mini. #FuzzIt
http://bit.ly/TPCtLi
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“You’ve admitted to me that you make love to Mariah’s music and that you masturbate to her music” – Howard Stern
“Absolutely” – Nick Cannon, Mariah Carey’s husband
POPBITCH _ _ _ _
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|_| |_| 13.12.12 ISSUE 623
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go to https://www.popbitch.com
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* Jack Whitehall: the unsung swordsman
* RIP Patrick Moore
* Charts: J Arthur is number one
>> Gerard’s nickname <<
What the Butler’s called
Gerard Butler is back in the UK to promote his latest movie bomb, Playing for Keeps, with his usual large entourage. He needs a hit soon as even those on his payroll have stopped taking him entirely seriously. Despite the leading man status and L’Oreal skincare deal, the least loyal ones have started referring to him as “Puffy Daddy”.
On average, moose in Norway kill fewer than two people a year, but in Sweden it is six, and Finland five.
>> Cash4oldgold <<
Dreaming of a Whitehall Xmas
It’s going to be a harsh holiday season for kiss-and-tell girls in this first post-Leveson Christmas.
A stripper has been calling tabloids with a story about having had a threesome with posh comedian Jack Whitehall. Although she claims to have strong evidence to back it up, no-one’s prepared to even look at running it. Because he’s not married. Or famous enough.
So she doesn’t get her cash for Christmas, and he doesn’t get any recognition for his studly pursuits. Hardly seems fair, does it?
FYI: McAlpine to sue Sally Bercow for 50k is terrible news. (1) Shows how ludicrous UK libel laws are if a silly tweet is worth that to someone rich enough to hire the lawyers. (2) For putting everyone on Bercow’s side.
Post Delaunay rumours: While Leveson is now favourite to be Lord Chief Justice, the favoured candidate for press regulator is retiring chief justice, Lord Judge.
>> Big Questions <<
What people are asking this week
One of Marilyn Manson’s favourite hobbies is corrupting innocent young teen movie stars. But which clean-cut cutie did Manson manage to sweet-talk into snorting swastika-shaped lines of gak with him?
Can anyone verify if that really is Smell off-of-This Is England handing out flyers on Brick Lane?
Throbbing Gristle’s Genesis P. Orridge really loves Maltesers.
>> rathergood news <<
Someone in TV sees sense
If you’ve ever used the internet, you’ll have seen something of Joel Veitch’s work. He did all the stuff at rathergood.com – the dancing kittens and the bunny-humping Mick Hucknalls.
We have two great bits of news for you:
1) Gak Attack – the game Joel made for Popbitch more than a decade ago – is back!
http://www.rathergood.com/gak
2) TV has finally wised up to Joel’s talent – he has made a dark animated fairytale. It won’t feature Daniella Westbrook’s septum-less nose, but it will be on Sky Atlantic over Christmas, and features Julian Barrett, Julia Davis and a giant crab.
http://vimeo.com/41905278
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National Theatre: The Animals and Children Took to the Streets – SPECIAL OFFER: Synchronizing music and performance with stunning animation, the acclaimed show by 1927 returns. A Christmas show like no other. Best available seats 18GBP (usually 24GBP) 12 Dec – 10 Jan. Use code POP18:
http://bit.ly/TWpStO
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>> The truth <<
Kelvin reveals home address
Presumably in an attempt to further piss off huge swathes of the country, Kelvin MacKenzie wrote a piece for the Telegraph last week suggesting a political party be set up to protect the welfare of Southerners.
He’s so committed to this idea that he even cheerfully tells readers that he has registered the domain name southernparty.co.uk.
Perhaps unwisely, he appears to have chosen to register the domain name using his home address – so it is now viewable by anyone who cares to go looking for it at the domain registry. Under K Mac.
Talk about giving the public what they want, eh Kelvin?
FYI: Seems a good time to mention the Justice for the 96 Hillsborough single, He Ain’t Heavy He’s My Brother, is out on Monday. Watch video http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2h8loYnNlZA or pre-order http://bit.ly/jft96itunes
All news at @JFT96Xmas
If you want to see Susan Boyle sing, you can usually catch her belting it out on Sundays at St Joseph’s Church, Bathgate.
>> Stamped out <<
Patrick no Moore
Patrick Moore was a bit of a mischief maker in his day. He enjoyed placing postal stamps in odd places on envelopes meaning that his letters had to be sorted by hand. Eventually he received a letter from Royal Mail telling him that his identity had become known, and would he please in future stick to placing his stamps in the usual top right hand corner as he was causing considerable inconvenience.
He responded to the letter, placing the stamp in the very centre of the envelope. The note inside it read: “Hey diddle diddle, the stamp’s in the middle.”
cough_medicine writes: “Moore was quite robust in his views on whom to trust in modern life, suggesting that ‘frogs, wops, eye-ties and wogs’ should be avoided.”
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>> Outen Out? <<
The promise of gays
Denise van Outen doesn’t look like she’s set to win Strictly, but it may give her career a bit of a shot in the arm. If so, let’s hope she’s a little kinder about her fans this time.
In 2009, she described audiences at her one-woman show in Edinburgh to her team as being “fucking ugly” and demanded to know “Where are the gays? I was promised gays.” To placate her, ushers had to cherry-pick good-looking and obviously gay men to fill the front two rows.
STRICTLY – follow @coral for updates. Lisa is favourite for elimination, and after her perfect score last week, Kimberley Walsh must be in with a bit of a shout. At 13/2 she’s worth a go:
http://bit.ly/U1G0IN
SPOTY – bet with Coral mobile from the comfort of your sofa on Sunday… Money has been going on Jessica Ennis this week for SPOTY, though Wiggins is still massive favourite. We’re backing Mo.
http://bit.ly/U1G0IN
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Turning on the lights in Blackburn this year? Spongebob Squarepants and Dora The Explorer. After Peppa Pig doing last year.
>> Dragontext <<
Xtra songs for Xmas
We’ve bored you senseless bemoaning the death of the summer novelty hit and Xmas song for so long, you’ll be pleased to know we have to shut up now. For this summer we got as good a novelty record as it’s possible to think of – Gangnam Style. And now we’ve got this fun Xmas song from Dragonette, Merry Xmas Says Your Text Message:
Sally Anna Triplett (the Mum in Viva Forever) is a double Eurovision star – Prima Donna in 1980 and Bardot in 1982.
>> Clifford notes <<
The showbiz genie delivers
Best quote we’ve heard so far on the Max Clifford arrest (from one of the celebrities with no reason to love the publicist):
“There must be an awful lot of people out there wondering what to do with their other two wishes.”
The Met’s decision to name the operation “Yewtree” has proved to be a masterstroke. It’s REALLY easy to type with just one hand.
>> What’s in a name? <<
More nominative determinism
Once you’ve heard about a urologist named Dr P Wright (County Durham) or a gynaecologist named Dr Khunti (Leicester) you might think that the world of nominative determinism has nothing else to offer you.
Think again.
FYI: The row between Paul Nicholls and Clive Smith over Kauto Star’s new career in dressage brought out one interesting Nom Det – the chairman of selectors for British dressage is called… David Trott.
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Chatty Cathy talking your ear off? Give her a word to cork it. Adopt a word with the charity I CAN for the perfect present that also helps a child with communication difficulties. Plus win a Kindle Fire HD:
http://www.adoptaword.com/ad/popbitch
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>> Withoutnail <<
Time for tea and cake
We’ve really enjoyed the Star Wars v Withnail videos. So we’re pleased to bring you the fourth instalment, but sad because RaffJones has said it’s definitely the final one:
https://vimeo.com/55346666
FYI: If you like them, have a look at his Christmas app “Magic Jar” too:
http://bit.ly/TQtdrX
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Hello last minute Larry, Barbara or whatever your name is. It’s nearly that Christmas thing innit. Bum smackingly good Christmas cards and brilliant gifts for under a tenner, free delivery (same day dispatch) and free bonus card!
http://bit.ly/XmBmtC
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>> Hmmms <<
Arnie, Psy, Savile
Batshit theory of the week – “Arnold Schwarzenegger killed Lord Lucan?”
http://bit.ly/SSWvbV
Novak Djokovic has bought up the entire world’s supply of donkey cheese:
http://bit.ly/VCpL4b
How Psy stands to make $8m by ignoring his own copyright:
http://bit.ly/RqTSjz
Q/ What did Batman say to Robin before they got in the car?
A/ Get in the car
http://badkidsjokes.tumblr.com/
Thanks to: LMES, LP, mrsix, kunani, Steve, JE, G, LT, Billy Bowie, TM, posh_duckhunter, SG, RK, GOD, D
Thanks to everyone who pointed out Scary Spice is Mel B not Mel C.
Old Jokes Home:
I pointed to two old drunks across the bar from us and told my mate, “That’ll be us in ten years.”
He said, “That’s a mirror, you dickhead.”
Still Bored?
__________ writes: “Nirvana and the Beatles are actually very similar. Both are now drum’n’bass duos”.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=624HfkMty_8
