Last few places left at the Popbitch Pre Valentines Quiz – Mon 11 Feb! 7pm at the Player, Soho. Email for info or to reserve a space for your team: [email protected] – or http://bit.ly/XqjvwN
“Yes, they talked about Jesus, but… I am not him. Not even close” – Chris Brown
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|_| |_| 07.01.13 ISSUE 628
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* Sean and Petula: the story unfolds
* Jeremy Iron’s flight plans
* Charts: Macklemore’s Thrift Shop no 1
>> Es-pee-o-nage <<
Cockwatching with Cooper
It can’t always be easy dealing with the situations that fame can put you in but, as we’ve reported before, Dominic Cooper seems to handling it better than most. This is what happened at a urinal recently:
“Dominic Cooper was at the stalls having a waz when a drunk FoF rolled in and pointed at Dom’s cock.
“‘That’s been inside Amanda Seyfried,’ he said. ‘Yes it has,’ replied Cooper. Then he finished his piss, rezipped, and gave the guy the international fab Macca two thumbs aloft sign.”
Kofi Annan “…proceeded to stand next to me and had a very loud and long piss. I did not see his cock. I wanted to, but I was scared of getting shot.”
>> Acting up <<
Actors are such sensitive souls
Jeremy Irons recently took a Virgin Atlantic flight to LA. He was dressed down in mustard cords tucked into black boxing boots, holding a carrier bag full of duty free Golden Virginia.
Perhaps a private jet would have been more appropriate for the sensitive star. Soon after take-off he was grumbling to some of his immediate neighbours that they were talking too loudly, complaining that the plane was “not some bar” and that “we” weren’t interested in their life and that “we” wanted some rest. Fair points both, no doubt, but a little resented by some of the other passengers, who felt that chatting and drinking on a plane that took off at 11.30am should be acceptable.
Celebrity control freak irony: when Bruce Willis signed up to do the Sky Broadband advert it was on the proviso that it was a TV rather than online advert.
>> Big Questions <<
What people are asking this week
Was Vicky Pryce really wooed by the Sunday Times with the offer of high-end spa trips to Europe – as the rumour going around journalists this week suggests?
Which celebrity paedo suspect has an internet profile page which includes photos of him getting fisted?
Favourite ESPN Superbowl commentary bit? “The Ravens just gobbled up six minutes of clock. They have to avoid the sack and protect the ball”.
>> Fat controller <<
Conservative health minister Anna Soubry recently made a name for herself by proclaiming that you could tell a person’s class by how fat they are.
Interestingly, it seems that Anna used to be married to Richard Holloway, the executive producer of X Factor – programme of choice for the British couch potato.
Alistair Cook was spotted in JW Marriott, Chandigarh, after the ODI, asking for help with the key-card operated lift.
>> Joly poor show <<
Dom vs the internet
One of the hardest things about being Dom Joly must be defending your career choices on social media. Thankfully, Dom got a lot of practice dealing with haters during the recent run of Splash! – so by the time he was called upon to defend his appearance on Question Time his skin was pretty thick.
When one of his Facebook ‘fans’ had a pop at him, Dom told him to “go bother someone else because I seriously don’t give a shit.”
Joly then proceeded to show just how little of a shit he gave by returning to the otherwise dormant thread at 15 minute intervals in an attempt to stir things up again.
No-one bit. Joly tried again the next day. And then the day after that too…
Spotted: Ex-MP David Mellor, gazing intently at the shopping trollies at St Katherine Waitrose.
>> #Phony2012 <<
Warlords: what are they good for?
The #Kony2012 campaign may have lost a little steam after the guy behind it was arrested for his naked-wanking breakdown on the streets of LA, but some celebs are still doing their bit.
Nicolas Cage was in Uganda last month to raise awareness of the plight of the Lord’s Resistance Army victims, staying in the legendary Acholi Inn. The hotel is run by Brigadier Charles Otema – the man whose job it is to capture Joseph Kony. Sadly for Brig Otema, in 20 years he hasn’t managed to get close to catching Kony. Still, on the upside, every time a celebrity, politician or campaigner comes to northern Uganda to raise awareness of the need to catch Kony, he makes a lot of cash from his hotel. The cynics among you might wonder if these two facts might in some way be related.
Top Gear has been filming in Uganda. Sadly, our man on the ground reports that May, Clarkson and Hamster were “nice, down to earth and drank a lot of expensive vodka.”
>> Water feeling <<
Like big butts?
Most tenuous Valentine’s Day marketing email so far:
“Want to get your Valentine something different this year? Say I LOVE YOU and celebrate the start of Spring with a garden product from Water Butts Direct!
“We’ve put together some ideal gift ideas for Valentine’s Day, ranging from a Watering Cans for Him and Her, to a Range of Water Butts that would add a touch of class to any Garden.”
Re: Sergio Garcia’s lemon shandy – turns out it’s called una Clarita in Barcelona, una Clara con Limon in Madrid, un shandy in Mallorca and pika in Bilbao.
>> Scrumpy pumpy <<
Connery gets in cider
Maybe you caught the Daily Mail’s interview with Petula Clark last weekend – the one that was trailed with the quote: “I remember a wild night with Sean Connery…”
Was this finally conclusive proof that “1964, up the arse” was more than just a shaggy dog story?
Alas, no. The ‘wild night’ Petula remembers was the time she and Sean were in a production of South Pacific together in the 50s and sat drinking cider under a piano one evening.
Chris Huhne was spotted having brunch in Clerkenwell last weekend. “He sat in silence with his girlfriend, reading the FT”.
>> Popbits <<
First you’ll be afraid…
The competition to represent Azerbaijan at Eurovision has thrown up the most extraordinary rendition of I Will Survive there has ever been. And you have to wait for the key change to really experience it:
Philip Schofield doesn’t like to work with women who are taller than him.
>> Hmmms <<
Ice Ice Skrillex
The Harvard undergrad class caught out cheating were perhaps doing the right subject – an introduction to Congress:
Run for your life… the most talked about film of the year so far?
Thanks to: Clarabelle, RS, JB, celtiagirl, horbbag, hornbag, AM, GS, spank_daley, The Big Cheese, e77, JB, CH, OWG, SD, deep_stoat, BH, JB, JC, GeoffreyGeorgeZippyandBungle, KvS, mountstnobody, TB, sofistar, SG, EG
Old Jokes Home:
I had to sack my east European cleaner today. It took her four hours just to hoover the lounge.
Turns out she’s a Slovak.
Leicester based punk shoegazers Prolapse – where are they now? Writing to Private Eye, it would seem: