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“I’m not a big public shitter” – Asim Chaudhry |
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#1120 Email stories: hello@popbitch.com
* Wooden spoon for Mark Francois
* Fran Lebowitz gets rich folk
* PLUS: Red card for David Coote? |
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| >> Radio Silence << |
| A meeting of minds |
| Fresh off his defeat to Kemi Badenoch in the Conservative Party leadership election, Robert Jenrick was wandering the corridors of BBC Radio when he happened upon Radio 2’s famously cuddly Vernon Kay.
Jenrick stopped to have a chat with Tess Daly’s husband who, perhaps, wasn’t the heavyweight interviewer he’d hoped to be associating with by now. Vern was overhead asking Jenrick at one point, “So… wait. Are you actually an MP then?”
Indignities stacked upon indignities. |
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| Robert Jenrick is MP for Newark, the only constituency in the UK which is an anagram of ‘wanker’. |
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| >> Not brat << |
| … But he is gay |
| IB writes:
“I was in Manchester at the weekend, at The Warehouse Project’s excellent Homobloc day festival. At about 7pm a rumour started going around that Charli XCX was going to do a surprise set at the small MTV-sponsored (bit cringe) rooftop stage. The counter-rumour was that it was actually going to be Rita Ora, given she was in town to host the EMAs.
“So we got there nice and early, waiting with bated breath to see who would emerge at the prophesied 9.05pm. Heralded by a rush of stage photographers and (excellent) drag performers, it was – Olly Alexander! He opened with a song, and then tried to apologise to the slightly nonplussed audience, uttering the line, ‘Well, I’m not Charli XCX, but I am gay!’ |
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| Fran Lebowitz buys lottery tickets as her Christmas presents because she says she knows rich people love money. |
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| >> Big Questions << |
| Who’s being sent off this week? |
| Just who has it in for Premier League ref David Coote? He’s already on a yellow card for slagging off Jurgen Klopp and snorting something suspicious on video. But we hear that the real red card material is being lined up for the weekend… |
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| ,—–, You spin me right round, baby,
/ \ right round – like a wind
( @ @ ) turbine? Octopus Energy‘s
\ v / ground-breaking Fan Club
(())|(()) Tariff gave customers in
))|||(( Grimsby +£200 savings last
year. They get %50 off when nearby
offshore turbines spin fast. Octopus
took some customers out to sea to show them!
[Watch out here they come] |
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| >> SCOOP << |
| Thick as a plank |
| Mark Francois has been in the shadow cabinet for about five minutes but is already enjoying the high life. He hasn’t quite got the hang of it just yet though.
Last week he was at an IEA event where canapés were being served to guests off wooden spoons.
Mark bit straight into the spoon, ate the top of it, and then turned to his companions to remark that “It’s a bit dry”. |
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| Nominative Determinism of the week: In the midst of the second round of Spanish floods this week, Mayor of Cadaques – Pia Torrents. |
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| >> Thumbs Down << |
| A bit of a Reach |
| Reach PLC had its editorial Town Hall this week and it was led by their digital chief, David Higgerson. In a very slick presentation Reach bosses droned on about their successes and future plans like (yawn) improving their websites and enhancing social video.But employees were clearly unconvinced and started to smash Google’s emoji reactions whenever Higgerson appeared on screen. Soon there were enough thumbs down and angry emojis flooding the screen that a visibly miffed Higgerson interrupted his spiel to reassure employees that everything was actually fine.
He must have remained pissed off afterwards – Reach employees have since been banned from using emojis on all company calls.
Could have been worse though. When VICE announced bankruptcy layoffs earlier this year, employees flooded the chat with such an onslaught of thumbs down emojis that CCO Corey Haik had to simply give up and end the meeting prematurely. |
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| News for Daily Star lovers: you can (sadface) expect less of the smut and more “fun news”. Think “Gary Barlow’s massive son”, apparently. |
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| >> A Correction << |
| Some Suez errors have been made |
| RM writes:
“As editor-in-chief of the world’s leading authority on maritime matters, Lloyds List, I feel duty bound to point out a serious error in your reporting this week.
“Your account of the Bauer bog blocker cites a disgusted eyewitness who describes the offending feculence as ‘akin to the ship that got stuck in the Panama Canal’. I believe that they were in fact referring to the Suez Canal, specifically the ill-advised attempt of the Ever Given containership to pull a U-turn midway through its passage in 2021, blocking a major world trade artery for over a week in the process.
“Of course, such things are nothing new. As a survivor of the final dark days of the Guardian’s old Farringdon offices before they were demolished, I recall that the decaying toilets were so routinely blocked that the Betsey Trotwood pub opposite became the de facto editorial dumping ground, much to the disgust of the poor bar staff.” |
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| In her new autobiography Melania Trump describes her first date with Donald as “a mixture of business and pleasure”. Can’t think what she would mean by that. |
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| >> Barrioke << |
| Eastenders Xmas Special |
| Shaun Williamson – better and always known as Barry Off Eastenders – will do any gig he’s booked for. He sang at the Indoor Bowls Championship. He’s sung in pantomimes. He’ll even sing at your birthday party, if you accommodate his diva demands.
But, before you start thinking that Shaun’s ‘Barrioke’ rider must rival that of the Eras tour, think again.
There’s the usual hotel rooms, dressing room and towels. But no attempt at going large on the F&N
– Food vouchers for three hot meals.
– Twelve bottles of water
– Four bottles of Heineken 0%,
– 12 cans of “anything except Stella or Kronenbourg”
– A bottle of gin. “Tesco’s own brand is fine”.
Not surprisingly, Barry is fully booked until February 2026. (Well, according to his PA.) |
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| Darlings! Still looking for that perfect Christmas gift? Look no further, Durrant & Dove‘s viciously defaced upcycled vintage porcelain from their French dungeons could be just the ticket. Use code DDgift at checkout to receive a discount on your first order.
[Everyone needs a “Fuck Off” tea set] |
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| >> Champagne Fascists << |
| Print is (still) dead |
It seems as if the Daily Mail print team’s reign of terror over MailOnline didn’t start and end with stealing their free election night pizza. It dates back a few years. One year it even ruined Christmas.
The Daily Mail staff are sat right next to MailOnline, so they had a front row seat when the print staff finished their Christmas Day overnight shift around midnight, and were awarded a thank you from the newspaper team for all their hard work.
A bottle of champagne. Each.
The poor beleaguered MailOnline staff had to sit watching them popping corks and celebrating mere feet away, as they continued working.
When they were eventually let out a few hours later, they all logged off empty-handed and Bolly-free. |
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| The Mail isn’t the only paper with pizza theft problems. A senior editor at The Telegraph used to sneak into crowded meetings two minutes before they wrapped, lurking at the back to grab multiple slices of the pizza bought for the attendees. Genius. |
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| >> A Maximus Dick << |
| Strength and honour |
| Gladiator II launch has been a pretty slick production, far from the scenes after the original movie’s London premiere back in 2000.Back then the cast, including Russell Crowe, all ended up at the Met Bar. Someone attending the party tells us that Crowe didn’t have his finest moment. After a few drinks he started chatting up a girl right in front of her boyfriend – who unfortunately for him happened to be a massive Kiwi rugby player.
To impress the girl, Russell took out a twenty pound note from his pocket and used it to light his cigarette, then turned to the boyfriend to ask if he could do that.
He couldn’t, apparently, but he could follow Maximus into the gents 10 minutes later, laying him out in the urinals with one punch. |
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| The free-flowing rose wine provided at Gladiator II’s BAFTA screening came from Ridley Scott’s own vineyard. A fact that was mentioned more than once. |
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| >> Capital Gains << |
| Global show us how to party |
| Sure all the pubs may close before 10pm, but never let it be said London doesn’t know how to throw a good party.
The Roundhouse hosted an extravagant 30th birthday just this week, in fact. But if you’re thinking: Russian oligarch with young second wife, guess again. This was Global Radio boss Ashley Tabor-King for his lovely husband, George.
Past parties they’ve thrown have often lent on the contacts of Global Music & Relations, and featured artists like Mabel, Anne-Marie and Jonas Blue, all no doubt keen to say thanks for Global’s playlisting. But this year took the star quotient up a notch with a performance by Doja Cat.
The American rapper had a mega global hit in 2020 with Say So but, having tried to pivot beyond that to a harder edged sound on the album Scarlet, has fared a little less well since.
So, if Doja’s back Q1 next year with a new pop hit that sounds good on Capital, we won’t be that surprised. |
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Before Big Brother, before The Truman Show, there was Nasubi. The incredible true story of a man who lived for 15 months trapped inside a small room, naked, starving and alone… and completely unaware that his life was being broadcast on national TV in Japan. In cinemas from 27 Nov. Book now for Director Q&A at Curzon Soho, 28 Nov.
[See The Contender] |
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| >> Hmmms << |
| Some good things left on the internet |
A second-by-second compilation of every number one from the 1990s
[Some stinkers]
One for the zoophiles
[Echidna perving]
The truth about Russia’s spy whale
[Bonus nom det byline]
After duetting with Angele, Dua Lipa re-records These Walls with another Belgian cutie
[Pierre de Maere]
It was Switzerland’s annual “check your balls” day, raising testicular cancer awareness, this weekend
[Thanks to Dr Willi]
Control the lights on One WTC
[Get ready…]
Artists to watch out for in 2025
[By Vevo]
The Onion buys Infowars
[No joke] |
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| Thanks to: RL, Clark_Bent, AM, AW, RM, MC, HD, SK, SH, EA, 42, PD, JL, SW, M, CG, plastiktom, SC, JL, D
Everyone who wrote in to tell us it’s not actually Sting’s house up for sale |
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| Old Jokes Home
Q: What do you get when you cross the Atlantic with the Titanic?A: About halfway.
Still Bored?
Correction from last week – it was actually Sting’s neighbour we featured as “for sale”. Sting lives down the road at Lakehouse. But they are both on Wilsford Cum Lake. [Which is nice |
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