Just Experimenting!

Jeff Lynne’s ELO comes to Wembley Stadium on 24th June 2017. Popbitch readers can enjoy the best seats in the house, with VIP hospitality packages available from 249GBP (inc VAT). Tickets – call Harry Thorne on 0208 795 9540, or fill this out: http://bit.ly/2rM4A83

“I’m a fan of British orange marmalade; it is a constant presence in my life” – Guy Verhofstadt

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* EastEnders’ Dyer circumstances

* Oakeshott’s big breakfast

* Charts: Despacito is No 1 again

>> EUgandan discussions <<

Nigel’s noisy neighbours

Our good old Grindr moles have discovered something interesting in the European Parliament.
It seems that someone who works for the parliamentary grouping that UKIP sits in is offering his time and attention to other Grindr users under the username ‘7F366’. Those familiar with the layout of the building will maybe recognise 7F366 as the office that is literally next door to Nigel Farage’s.
More curiously, it appears that the man who is luring gentleman callers to that particular room isn’t actually the person who officially inhabits that office space – so it seems that he is specifically arranging this service to let people fuck next door to Nigel Farage.
Which brings new meaning to the term ‘Remoaners’.

UKIP’s manifesto ban on veils and burqas is because they “prevent the intake of essential vitamin D”. (Watch out chaps, they’ll ban your trousers next…)

>> Gall and Oats <<

Oakeshott’s big breakfast

When she’s not ratting out her sources or spreading pigfucking rumours, Isabel Oakeshott is a bit of an amateur domestic goddess / money saving expert.
Why, just this week she was offering the fruits of her wisdom on Twitter. After telling low-income families who struggle to feed their children that they were “failing woefully in their basic duty as parents”, she helpfully pointed out that “a bag of porridge costs about one pound; will last a family all week and is far more nutritious than Cornflakes.”
Only all week? Maybe Isabel should ask her old pal Vicky Pryce for some tips. The porridge she did lasted for months…

2015 UK election – 51.4 million votes and 130 allegations of voter fraud. Or 0.00025%.

>> Big Questions <<

Who’s asking what this week?

Which international footballer is trying very hard not to retire as he loves to gamble and really, really needs the salary to cover his losses.
(Clue: it’s not Wayne Rooney.)

Brad Pitt once auditioned for Cheers. The casting director told Entertainment Weekly he rejected Pitt because he was “not funny”.

>> Letemps perdu <<

Royal we and Royal poo

A ludicrous features agency has been shopping around the ‘real’ story of Prince George’s scolding at Pippa Middleton’s wedding.
According to their stringer, George got grumpy because he wasn’t allowed any biscuits. Then he called Princess Charlotte a poo-poo and tried to push her over.
Much as we’d love to believe this version of events, we’re not entirely sure the source they’ve given for it is legit.
The supposed witness to all of this? The fabulously fictional designer…
“Richielieu Letemps”.

Popbitch’s favourite New Zealand lecturer? Massey University’s… Dr Cat Pause!

>> Storm in C-cup <<

Pushy mum’s the word

Cannes wouldn’t be Cannes without the UK’s most transparent PR person taking the opportunity to shamelessly hawk her daughter all over MailOnline.
Tessa Hartmann is, once again, furiously promoting the otherwise-unknown Tallia Storm on the Mail’s pages: first by getting someone on their showbiz desk to type a one-handed puff-piece about her child’s “lean legs”, “slender frame” and “sex appeal”; then by trying to rally readers round herself in the comments section.
Sadly for Tessa, it seems that the readers have caught wise to her trick. After ‘someone’ pseudonymously left a breathless comment suggesting that Tallia was probably now ready to duet with fellow Scot Calvin Harris, another commenter wearily replied below:
“This is her mum, isn’t it?”
FYI: Tallia’s wikipedia currently has some interesting edits too:
http://bit.ly/2qfzIzS

Mrs Storm was keen to link Tallia up with Johnny Depp last year – a man three times her age.

>> Election section <<

A rundown of hot seats

With two weeks to go until the election, now is a good time to take stock of where we are, so here are the top 10 constituencies in terms of money/bets placed with Ladbrokes.1. Brentford & Isleworth

(Labour won in 2015 by 456 votes)2. Bristol West

(Cons to take)
3. Cambridge

(Lab’s 7th smallest majority…)
4. Bermondsey and Old Southwark

(Simon Hughes to win back)
5. Edinburgh South

(Lab’s only Scottish seat)
6. Vauxhall

(Brexiteer Kate Hoey)
7. Twickenham

(Vince Cable to win back?)
8. Richmond Park

(Zac Goldsmith tries again)
9. Hove

(Peter Kyle v Cons nutjob)

http://bit.ly/2qgFbGB
10. Hornsey and Wood Green

(Well-liked Catherine West)
Here are Ladbrokes’ markets

http://bit.ly/2qjlA4G

Good news for Australia – Harry Styles’ new album means Ed Sheeran is finally deposed as number one. After 13 long, long weeks.

>> Man in the Mirror <<

Trying to make that change

Commiserations to Mirror Group editor-in-chief, Lloyd Embley, who had been hoping to impress Simon Cowell enough to be offered a job and quit the ailing tabloid.
Cowell was interested – but before anything was finalised word reached the man who was Embley’s predecessor at the Mirror, Richard Wallace. Wallace has been working for Cowell in the States as an executive producer on America’s Got Talent ever since he was fired from the Mirror (Cowell loves to hire tabloid hacks as he’s convinced they’re great at spotting stars and trends).
Wallace, it’s fair to say, loathes Embley – not least because Embley slid in and took both his and his wife’s jobs (Tina Weaver used to edit the Sunday Mirror). He made his feelings quite clear to Cowell. Next thing, all plans were shelved, leaving Embley stuck at MGN, where his rumoured 300k salary is attracting the attention of bean counters.
Still, as long as the Mirror doesn’t need to make any other big payouts, he’ll probably be fine…

After a profitable Aintree we’re back to give you the opportunity to check our analysis for the Epsom Derby and Oaks meetings. Updated daily, so keep looking for tips: http://firstpastthepost.club/

>> End of an era <<

Dyer circumstances

If you enjoyed watching Danny Dyer lamp Lee Ryan as much as we did on Tuesday’s EastEnders, we have some potentially disappointing news.
Sean O’Connor, EastEnders’ current showrunner, seems to have fallen out with his boss – and the timing could scarcely be worse.
The Soap Awards take place in early June. After that the bosses are expected to make decisions regarding the show’s future, so if the pair of them haven’t patched up their differences by then, those ‘decisions’ could mean a new direction.
A direction without Sean.

Netflix’s arthouse offering might be ruffling feathers in Cannes, but let’s not forget they just greenlit another four Adam Sandler films. Making it eight since 2014.

>> RIP-007 <<

Moore the merrier

Our favourite Roger Moore story came from a handyman in Deal, Kent. One day many, many years ago, the handyman was booked to do a DIY job at a beautiful house. While doing some work on the ground floor, he heard some noises coming from upstairs.He thought the house was empty so decided to investigate. He climbed the stairs, walked to the bedroom and pushed open the door.
Three naked bodies were entwined on the bed. Staring open-mouthed the handyman got a further shock when 007 popped his head up from the bed, and announced cheerfully in that inimitable drawl, “Don’t worry old chap. Just experimenting!”
The appalled handyman walked out of the bedroom, down the stairs and straight out the front door.

Ariana Grande’s One Last Time is number one on iTunes today.

>> Popbits <<

Healing power of pop

A tune to lift everyone’s hearts this summer is Selena Gomez – Bad Liar.
Sampling the bassline from Talking Heads’ Psycho Killer, it sounds fresh and different to anything else we’ve heard this year.
Listen:
https://youtu.be/YVtzQms7lps

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>> Hmmms <<

Fyre, Ailes, Moore

Foul mouthed drag legend Lady Bunny hits London. Don’t miss. Exclusive PB offer – tickets for a tenner! 12 – 15 June with promo code BUNNYPB
http://bit.ly/2qfDBolMake Obama say whatever you want
http://talkobamato.me/Matt Taibbi on Roger Ailes
http://rol.st/2qZv1as
The Fyre Festival story

https://t.co/scGyZ9B1rg
The world’s other nicest Roger Moore tale

http://bit.ly/2rYdHlw
Local news of the week

http://bit.ly/2qZY6oj

Thanks to: JG, SJ, B, GO, LMES, swearboy, MM, DK, celtiagirl, MM, soapy_handerton, Crank Dub, Brussels-Based

Old Jokes Home

Q/ What is a dominatrix’s favourite ice cream topping?

A/ Crushed nutsStill Bored?

Media Masters podcast this week – Minna Salami, journalist, writer and TED Speaker. Listen here

http://bit.ly/2rTGEjf

Fancy Another?