Justice For Fannies

Ellie Goulding appeared as a guest judge on the panel of this weekend’s Masked Singer, alongside her good pal Rita Ora. We were a little disappointed that the appearance didn’t result in anything juicy though.

At a filming for the previous series, Rita gave her fellow judges (and the in-studio audience) a bit of insider information about the pair’s close relationship when she was chatting away between takes. She told them all a charming story about the time Ellie once popped over to her house just to have a poo – and then left immediately after.

We’ve read a lot of celebrity riders in our time, but none have given us the ick quite as much as Steve Aoki’s. For a single short set, some poor runner will be tasked with furnishing Steve’s dressing room with a ton of supplies – including the following:

* Six (6) pairs of Calvin Klein boxer briefs (multi-coloured; no black/no white)

* One (1) pair of compression socks (size 9 mens)

* One (1) pack of hair ties (“used to put hair in a bun, NOT a headband, NO METAL”)

* One (1) mint flavoured dental floss

* One (1) yoga mat

* One (1) box of 10 Trojan Bareskin Magnum condoms

Which former cabinet member once stormed into a local vets demanding to see a hedgehog he’d heard was in the building? He refused to leave until he got to see it – all the while claiming he was making these demands “for his son”.

Expats – the mini-series starring Nicole Kidman, which caused a sizeable Covid-era stink in Hong Kong – finally hit Amazon Prime this week.

A show detailing the extravagant lives of expat wives in Hong Kong might have seemed like a great idea when it was conceived but, since then, Covid and the National Security Law have contrived to drive much of that same expat world out of the city.

Parachuting Kidman and her posse into the city for filming in 2021 made for a huge scandal at the time as she was controversially exempted from the city’s extreme quarantine rules. (It was also a lot of effort for very little, as she left pretty swiftly after falling out with the director.)

The HK government’s justification for letting Kidman bend the rules was that the series was going to “contribute to the growth of the economy”. Alas, the paper-thin material and its lack of sync with the city’s current realities means it’s unlikely to enjoy the Emily In Paris effect.

And what do Hong Kong residents make of the series? It’s hard to know, as it’s not being shown there.

You’ll have seen that Elton John’s old piano at St Pancras station has become the flashpoint of a minor diplomatic incident these last few weeks, after a live-streamed argument blew up between a boogie-woogie pianist and a group of Chinese tourists he accused of being communist party spies.

It all appears to have been a bit of a storm in a teacup, but it wouldn’t be the first time that Elton and the CCP have butted heads.

Back in 2013 Elton got in trouble in Beijing for dedicating a gig to Ai Weiwei; the weird upshot of which was that pop stars without a university degree were almost banned from performing in China.

But that wasn’t his first either. In 1983, when Elton owned Watford FC, Watford played an away game against the Chinese national side and thrashed them 5-1. A match which took place in front of then deputy party secretary, Xi Jinping.

All you ever seem to read about the Tories these days is how bitterly divided they always are on everything – but there are some examples of party unity in there if you really go looking.

Take the upcoming by-election in Wellingborough, for example – sparked after the incumbent MP Peter Bone was recalled by constituents amid accusations of bullying and sexual misconduct.

The Conservative candidate running for his seat is none other than Peter Bone’s girlfriend, Helen Harrison. Not only that, but one of Helen’s official backers is a Ms Jeanette B Bone. Peter’s ex-wife. On whom Peter cheated with Helen.

Tottenham Hotspur and France legend Hugo Loris recently transferred to the MLS to play for LAFC, and has been out and about this month sampling the Californian nightlife.

One night, Hugo took five friends out to a neighbourhood restaurant. Keen to welcome the star to the locality, the restaurant owner came over to the table and told the goalkeeper he’d be picking up the tab. After getting through multiple courses with wine, the group thanked the owner and took out some cash to leave a tip for the staff who’d waited on them all night.

A tip that consisted of one $10 bill.

Reach PLC has a huge, company-wide photo archive that all its titles can access. Each photo is tagged with pertinent keywords so that journos and picture editors can find exactly the right picture to suit their article.

In among the bajillions of photos it contains, we hear there’s a picture of Fred West, sat on a sun lounger without a stitch on, his sizeable wang lolling up against his thigh in what appears to be a post-coital state.

And what keywords would you think a picture like this has attached to it for journalists’ reference? “Criminal”? “Murderer”? “Serial Killer”?

Erm, no. “Relaxing”, “Sun lounger” and “Smiling”.

Which ought to be fun when AI takes over picture selection and we enjoy our next heatwave.

Julia Hartley-Brewer invited Laurence Fox onto her TalkTV show for a bit of public wound-licking after losing his defamation case this week. It wasn’t a hugely popular decision with everyone at Talk though – and even Julia herself seemed little displeased with the way it turned out.

After the interview was concluded, Julia issued an edict to Talk staff demanding that a specific line of Laurence’s was not be used when promoting the interview after transmission. (“I prejudiced my own case by saying that I think it’s absolutely fine for someone to hold an opinion that somebody is racist.”)

No-one paid any attention to her. In fact, that’s the very line the social team have isolated to plug it.

The latest twist in the Michelle Mone story is that now her own lawyer is threatening to bring legal action against her for the “severe and irreparable” damage that representing her has done to his reputation.

It’s a particularly delicious development for us because the lawyer in question is Jonathan Coad, whose emails are among the more pompous of our collection. Coad once spent an entire Christmas holiday in 2012, emailing us endlessly in the wee small hours to berate us for running an entirely true (and impeccably sourced) story about one of his clients.

Far be it from us to tell a media lawyer his own business, but we don’t much fancy his chances if it ever comes to court. It’s not going to be easy convincing anyone that he has a reputation for faultless honesty and transparency when his most recent clients have been Michelle Mone, Matt Hancock and Phillip Schofield…

Good axolotl content
[Watch on TikTok]

New Zealand officials have rejected the name “Fanny” for new babies
[Justice for Fannies!]

Interesting look at Hollywood’s favourite fake beer: Heisler
[Read on Vinepair]

Potty mouthed parrots
[Read on CNN]

An interview with Trump’s courtroom sketch artist
[Read on The Handbasket]

Every episode of Shortland Street from 1992 is on YouTube
[Holds up, apparently]