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|_| |_| 30.10.14 ISSUE 712
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* Amy’s divine intervention
* Cockwatching in Holyrood
* Charts: Ed v Meghan 4 no 1
>> Dick move <<
Chair raising rehearsals
As predicted, things behind the scenes of the recent London production of Speed-The-Plow were a little tumultuous.
But not because of Lindsay Lohan. She is said to have been perfectly behaved throughout.
The cause of the storm? Co-star Richard “Toby Ziegler” Schiff – who apparently became so enraged when given notes on his performance after a preview that he threw a chair at the director.
Fun at the Sun: female giggles at how many men there are growing beards to look more like Stig Abell, now they know how popular the Managing Editor is with the ladies.
>> Century of the Selfie <<
Scraping the (Winter)bottom
Well, the Johann Hari-Alain De Botton inspired book hasn’t gone down that well, but it doesn’t seem to have put Michael Winterbottom off collaborating with Russell Brand. They announced their new film this week (you obviously knew about it when we told you it was happening back in June).
Perhaps the only person who wasn’t quite so sure about working with Brand was BBC’s Adam Curtis, Brand’s first choice to help make a new live show. Not even Brand’s invitation to conduct the sessions “shirtless, in an Edgware Road kasbah” has been able to change his mind so far.
For the full story, download the Popbitch App to your smartphone or tablet and get our special Autumn sampler issue absolutely free.
At his book launch Russell Brand “smelled nicely of coffee”.
>> Big Questions <<
Who is asking what this week
Which popular Apprentice contestant is well-liked in social settings too? He has a high-quality gak supplier and is said to be rather generous with it.
LA SOIREE is back! The hit cabaret returns to London for another awe-inspiring Christmas season. Book standing tickets at £15 with the promo code POPBITCH and you will be upgraded to best of Ringside, Boardwalk or Booth seats if seats available on night. Valid 5-16th November 2014. Subject to availability. Tickets may be standing.
>> The spoils of Moyles <<
Gold and silver lining
Tax dodging has been getting a bit of a kicking in the press these last few years, but maybe it’s not all so bad.
Chris Moyles has managed to retain so much of the money he made at Radio 1 over the last decade (partly because he had co-writing credits on a lot of the jingles he played on his show, so supplemented his wage with plenty of royalties; partly because of his tax efficiency attempts) that he’s now in a financial position where he can afford to take work only if he thinks it’ll be a laugh.
So even if tax avoidance costs the UK economy billions and billions each year, if it means Chris Moyles stays retired, it’ll all have been worth it.
Ed Sheeran’s album, X, is the biggest seller so far in 2014. It has already sold me than 2013’s biggest selling album, by One Direction.
>> Hired muscle <<
Kyle gives Beefy a grilling
It’s important to get the right sort of security when you’re a well-known celebrity, and no-one knows that better than Jeremy Kyle. He was spotted earlier this week in an otherwise deserted beer garden and, unless it was a spoof, was loudly interviewing someone for the position of driver and bodyguard.
The rigorous interview involved:
* Jeremy giving the guy a nickname (“Beefy”)
* Jeremy measuring Beefy’s biceps with an actual tape measure
* Jeremy and Beefy roleplaying a number of different scenarios – including how to deal with paparazzi, how to deal with pepper spray and how to deal with Jeremy’s mother when she calls
We’re also told that he referred to himself in the third person a number of times.
Goals in La Liga this season. Barcelona – 23. Valencia – 20. Real Madrid (without Ronaldo) – 17. Cristiano Ronaldo – 16.
>> Lauren disorder <<
Harries becomes a popstar
It’s no secret that Lauren Harries has put her hat in the ring to represent Great Britain at this year’s Eurovision, but it looks like she isn’t prepared to wait until May to be a popstar. Her label emailed us this week to offer us a play of her new single – an offer we took up.
The video has since been turned private on YouTUbe. So either someone is a little less confident in Harries’ electropop career, or (more likely) they’re trying to build up some sort of momentum in advance of its release sometime next month.
Fingers crossed you all get to hear it. Otherwise our post-traumatic support group is going to be very, very small.
Lobsters pee out of their faces.
>> Extreme dissing <<
Fascist groove thang
Russell Brand started October as the media’s favourite revolutionary and ended it as their new David Icke. Things started to go wrong when he announced Laurence Easeman as a speaker at his book-launch. After fellow guest Peter Tatchell objected to sharing a platform with a fascist, the debate was cancelled. And yet a year ago when Brand started to eulogise Easeman on Twitter hardly anyone batted an eyelid.
@RustyRockets: “Watch this! This is how to claim power back from the banks. Amazing! Who is the Scouser?” 1300 favourited it. 1700 Brand fans retweeted. Including comedian Marcus Brigstock, “Excellent dignified, determined work in that video, Laurence. Thank you.”
Wanna get an extremist agenda into the mainstream? Seems like you just have to find some comedians and exploit their vacuity.
Laurence Easeman’s celebrity mum: Margi Clarke.
>> Childs of God <<
Friends in high places
Amy Childs has claimed that “God was definitely watching down on me” when she crashed her Range Rover and emerged unscathed.
He wouldn’t have needed to if she hadn’t been watching down on her mobile phone, apparently…
Suge Knight has been arrested for robbery. If convicted he could get 30 years, thanks to a previous conviction for violent assault.
>> Popbits <<
Get yer dancing shoes on
Forget the over-earnest deliberations of the obscurity-obsessed Mercury Music Prize this week – if you only get three tracks this month, try these:
1. Say Lou Lou x Lindstrom – Games for Girls
Scandi House genius Lindstrom mixes this Aussie-Swedish duo’s single into the most perfect slice of summer pop. If you can listen without smiling your soul is dead.
2. Knife Party – Begin Again
Think One More Time mixed by Madeon. It might start a bit Swedish House Mafia but at 2′ 20 it kicks off like crazy. New album out next month.
3. Dragonette & Mike Mago – Outlines
It’s got that underground 80s pop vibe of their fabulous early track, Competition, plus an up-to-the-minute Oliver Heldens style dirty synthline.
“60 Days To Save West Africa” – imperialist front page of the year, courtesy of the Independent.
>> Murphy’s phwoar <<
Cockwatching in Holyrood
“I see Jim Murphy wants to run Labour in Scotland. I pissed next to him once, when he was NUS president. Had a quick look, obviously. It looked fairly long, not especially girthy, but quite a meaty foreskin. More attractive than his face anyway.
“So now you know. I always wondered when that knowledge might be useful.”
We can’t let this year’s extraordinary World Series close without mentioning San Fran Giants’ hero pitcher… the wonderfully named Madison Bumgarner.
>> Hmmms <<
Potatoes, pumpkins, pandas
“Tips for Chinese choosing an English name”
The man who measures record-breaking pumpkins? Mr Ron Root.
It’s no wonder pandas aren’t mating. They’re wanking themselves silly.
Has Freddie Mercury been sighted in Kent?
Yelp’s strange little protection racket