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Brilliant Club Wembley Premium seats available to Popbitch readers for SF 49ers v Jacksonville Jaguars 27 Oct. Hospitality packages also available. Watch and enjoy in comfort! Call 020 8795 9646 for tickets or
http://bit.ly/18cM0Jq
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“My Mum asked us to eat the placenta – she went ‘If Kim Kardashian can do it, you can'” – Danielle O’Hara
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|_| |_| 12.09.13 ISSUE 657
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* Maria Miller: annus or elbow?
* High ho! Dwarf of the week
* Charts: Katy Perry is no 1
>> Arm guards <<
Modern golf club etiquette
Once upon a time, only family money and an education from the right school would have entitled you to join certain members’ clubs. But now bastions of crusty old class privileges are being beaten down by an unlikely source of class warrior – premier league footballers.
Wayne Rooney was taken to play golf at the exclusive Queenwood club this summer (rumoured 225K annual membership). He wore the required golf/polo shirt attire but there was some consternation with the realisation that his arm tattoos were visible. Still the club didn’t panic. Instead, they produced fingerless gauze arm sleeves to cover them up.
Which would suggest that it’s something they’re used to doing.
@AZEAILIABANKS on Twitter: “LADY GAGA wanted to sit on my face while she worshipped Satan & I said no. So she dropped me from ARTPOP #FACT”. Blimey.
>> Strictly confidential <<
Readers put a bung on big Mac
Dr_Vic writes:
“Put 50 quid on Julien MacD in Strictly. He trains at my gym – Virgin Active ‘Notting Hill’ (Ladbroke Grove). He’s been puffing away on a treadmill for years. Saw him this week and he is fighting fit and working like a demon on his abs. Core strength, mark my words.”
Great fact from London Zoo: “Turkey vultures defend themselves by puking up their last meal.”
>> Big Questions <<
What are people asking this week?
Which gruesome ginger popstar used to have a former professional boxer accompany him to meetings to provide a bit of physical coercion during financial negotiations? (The boxer was recently convicted of ABH and sent to prison. The singer paid for his defence.)
Now we’ve found out that Dane Bowers is Simon Webbe from Blue’s agent, is it worth sticking a tenner on an Another Level/Blue joint tour for 2014?
Austria’s bearded lady, Conchita Wurst, has been selected for Eurovision 2014. Hurrah!
>> High ho! <<
Dwarf of the week
Last week, we had the sad story of a dwarf who was set on fire by a player from the St Kilda Saints. This week, our dwarf is only mildly baked.
Darius Ashard (previously most famous for his role as Snoozy in the Priscilla Presley panto production of Snow White) plead guilty to a charge of disorderly conduct after he was ejected from a club in Great Yarmouth for smoking cannabis and repeatedly calling a policeman ‘cunt’.
However, Darius maintains that he wasn’t smoking cannabis and that he was only using such profanity because the club’s bouncer had picked him up and carried him out, flung over his shoulder.
This week’s Australian breakout sports star – rugby league’s Anthony Watts. Banned for eight matches for biting an opponent’s penis. In a game.
>> Happy people <<
No longer the village idiot
It’s been a big week for the Village People. Not only is the cowboy, Randy Jones, embarking on a three-day wedding extravaganza with his partner of 29 years this weekend, we’re also delighted to finally bring some happy news about Victor Willis – the cop and main singer/songwriter.
Life outside of the village wasn’t kind to Victor. There was a rape charge in the 90s (of which he was acquitted) and the last decade was mainly a blur of crack cocaine. In 2006 he was on the run from actual cops after a drug and guns bust, he made an appearance on America’s Most Wanted, and followed that with an assault charge on his girlfriend.
Since then there’s been rehab and sobriety. But tomorrow, Victor gets back copyright to the songs he co-wrote, like Go West, In The Navy and YMCA, thanks to an obscure 1978 copyright law which gives “termination rights” after 35 years to artists who have signed away their rights. Willis is the first prominent star to use this law, but expect a flood of 70s stars who’ve come through drug, drink and bad management issues to follow suit.
Alex Zane took his mum to his North London local recently, where she was mistaken for his girlfriend.
>> Annus from elbow <<
Problems like Maria
Maria Miller scolds the BBC for having an “annus horribilis”. Just a quick recap on Maria Miller’s year, since becoming culture/media/sport/equality minister last September:
* Is being investigated for claiming 90k in expenses for the house where her parents live
* Made an enemy of the media by trying to use her post-Leveson influence to keep that story out of the press.
* Consequently spent the entire 12 months as the focus of articles about how unpopular she is and how her department is “not fit for purpose” (journalists had no problem finding Whitehall sources to stick the boot in…)
* Has managed to become even less popular than Jeremy Hunt. Which is some going.
BF writes: “Not sure if this qualifies as nominative determinism, but the lovely nurse who gave me my heart check the other day is called Sandra Cockle.”
>> Torture beats <<
Wot no Ed Sheeran?
A new research study into Pinochet’s Chile suggests their choice of torture music included George Harrison’s My Sweet Lord, the soundtrack to A Clockwork Orange and a Julio Iglesias album. But what are the tracks favoured by other torturers?
* Dachau
The Italian fascist march, the Badenweiler march, the German national anthem and the Blue Danube.
* Guantanamo Bay
Eminem, the theme from Barney the Dinosaur and Fuck Your God by Deicide.
* Waco Siege, Texas
Andy Williams albums and These Boots Are Made for Walking.
* Camp Cropper, Iraq
Queen’s We Are The Champions
* Abu Ghraib
David Gray’s Babylon, over and over again.
This week’s Baboon Vs Badger answers:
Team Badger: Conor Maynard (because of the honey badgers, mainly)
Team Baboon: Wretch 32 “they sound harder”.
>> Union of the snakes <<
Who got played, us or Becks?
Feb 2013: Gordon Ramsay announces “We’re really excited to be opening Union Street Cafe in September and it’s great that David (Beckham) wants to come on board and be partner.”
July 2013: Photographers on hand show David and Victoria visiting the Union Cafe building site.
Aug 2013: 2,500 diners book tables on first day lines were open. “We can’t wait to get the doors open and start welcoming guests.” – Gordon Ramsay
Sept 2013: It starts to come out that David Beckham is not involved at all in Union Cafe. After the publicity had worked, of course.
FYI: Also this summer, it was reported that HMRC has launched a tax investigation into Ramsay’s empire:
http://dailym.ai/18SxQtb
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FILM MASTERCLASS:
A midnight Masterclass on some of the greatest moments in world cinema, with Colin Macabe explaining in close-up what makes each clip so perfect. Gate Cinema, 11pm-230am, 5/10/2013:
http://bit.ly/18WXcVy
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>> Hmmms <<
Dolphins, fox, daschunds
Advert of the Week – it’s Australia’s turn:
http://bit.ly/1e5EmTD
If you love Ylvis’ The Fox try their dubstep:
http://bit.ly/17RZXdV
Perhaps this gym knows its target audience:
http://bit.ly/17RZU1x
Politicians – do what we say not what we do:
http://bit.ly/18VdUEQ
In case you want to see more of Ms Harries (NthatSFW):
http://bit.ly/15mT2Ji
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Thanks to: SG, LV, monstris, TB, mountstnobody, JG, DB, MTM, quinno, trellis, ST, A, bitterqueen
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Old Jokes Home:
Q/ How do you console someone with bad grammar skills?
A/ There, their, they’re.
