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“I cannot live without white wine” – Gregg Wallace
“Ask me to samba and I’m yours” – Russell Grant
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|_| |_| 02.05.13 ISSUE 640
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* Winning with Bananarama
* In the queue with Will Self
* Charts: Daft Punk still no 1
>> What’s in a name? <<
Coronation Street curse
By now you will have doubtless heard that Coronation Street actor Bill Roache has been arrested and charged with raping a 15 year old girl, back in the 1960s.
What you may not know is that “Ken Barlow” is an anagram of “Law Broken”.
Stuart Hall launched a travel agent in Manchester City Centre but had to change the name Stuart Hall International Travel as the acronym caused problems.
>> Max’n’mum embarrassment <<
You give love… a bad name
While half of London can’t stop sniggering about Max Clifford’s arrest – and the other half (his clients mainly) look nervous – spare a thought for the real loser in this tawdry case.
Little Max Katona. Kerry’s youngest son. Named in honour of his “uncle” Max Clifford. So, growing up knowing not only that his mum was in Atomic Kitten and shops at Iceland, but – if it all goes badly for Clifford – that he was named after a nonce.
Kerry Katona’s new fiance is George Kay. Presumably she won’t take his name and become Kerry Katona-Kay. Or KKK.
>> Big Questions <<
What people are asking this week
Which TOWIE cast member said she’d only tweet something out as a favour if she gets a grand for it?
Is there such a thing as publicity bad enough to harm Katie Price’s career? Legal gossip suggests that, with the current court case involving Jordan and former management and friends, we may be about to find out.
Also charging a grand to tweet? Peaches Geldof.
>> Desert storm <<
The story of Omar and his two friends – the Emirati actors expelled from Saudi for being “too handsome” – made news around the world.
Back in Dubai, journalists say this was only half the story. The problem started because they were suspected of being gay – a criminal offence – and the “handsomeness” story was a diplomatic way for everyone to save face.
Omar photos. Handsome, and wearing a lot of make-up:
Nominative Determinism, adult edition. The Digital Acquisitions Manager at Ann Summers is… Charlotte Cumming.
>> Yes, we CAN! <<
What Ortise has in store
When Oritse from JLS burst into tears on Alan Carr’s show last week everyone assumed it was because his band was splitting up. But perhaps there’s more to it – as Peter Andre seems to have revealed: “Oritse Williams is now being managed by Claire Powell, who manages me, and I know she’s got lots of exciting stuff lined up for him.”
So, endless OK! photoshoots, pretend dates or nights out with Claire’s other clients (e.g. Lizzie Cundy, Peter Andre, Amy Childs) and fake feuds with other celeb columnists. Christ. No wonder he started blubbing.
182 players from 37 countries have Premier League winners medals. Only 68 are English.
>> Self service <<
Coffee confusion with Will
“I was standing behind Will Self in the queue at The British Library cafeteria. He became irate that the lady serving him didn’t know what a mocha was. She called two other staff members over, before he rolled his eyes and boomed, ‘You know what, just make me a double espresso in a takeaway cup.'”
Eugene from Big Brother is working as a sound man for BBC Look East.
>> Justin case <<
Flag of convenience
With Bieber about to enter the head shaving/scientology joining/drug woe stage of the teen star’s career, manager Scooter Braun is already looking around for a new trouble-free cash-cow. Rumoured to be top of his list? X Factor’s boresome foursome, Union J.
FYI: Proving it’s not just America who loses out on X Factor exchanges, London music industry bods are getting excited about super-labradored girlband Fifth Harmony.
Ken Doherty, on playing Ronnie O’Sullivan – “It’s like trying to hold on to a racehorse by the shoelaces”.
>> Europedants <<
We need a better word for it
Last week we found out that in Finland “pedant” translates as “comma fucker”. It gets even better across Europe if these translations are correct:
Holland – “Mierenneuker” which means “ant fucker”.
Germany – “Korinthenkacker” or a “raisin shitter”.
FYI: Last week we told you grunka was “to cry-wank”. Oops, sorry, it turns out to mean “contraption”. Boo.
FYI 2: Gråtrunk still means “a cry-wank” though. Yay.
Johnny Dean from Menswe@r is performing at Club Nuis@nce in June, his first live perform@nce in 15 years.
>> Missing the point <<
How dim must Ali Campbell be?
“I found myself at a recording of a ‘pop music celebrity’ special of Pointless this week. There was Mike Rutherford & Ali Campbell (out in first round), Sandie Shaw and Sheila Ferguson, Keren and Sara Bananarama and Ritchie & Scott from 5ive.
“In the second round only Bananarama could name a female member of Team GB that won a medal at London 2012. It got so bad they had to change the question to ‘Name a capital city in the southern hemisphere’ to which Sandie and Sheila replied ‘Rio de Janeiro’.
“In the next round (David Bowie singles) 5ive couldn’t identify Diamond Dogs from a photo of a diamond and some dogs.
“Bananarama won, but didn’t find a pointless answer in the final round. Sorry for the spoiler.”
U.S. farmers will plant 214,300 acres of chickpeas this year, five times more than a decade ago, as hummus is so popular.
>> Hmms <<
Lawyers, rozzers, badgers
Jason Collins coming out in his own words:
Announcements at Sheffield – a new low in internet interest:
The ruler of Dubai, HH Sheikh Mohammed has a new favourite lunch spot:
Stuart Hall’s lawyers – surprise, surprise, yet another firm citing Leveson to threaten media reporting:
Aw! Spike from 911 is going to run 5k every day for 50 days for charity. Bless!
RIP Paul Shurey, founder of Tribal Gathering, who died in India last week in a freak accident when he fell and hit his head:
Thanks to: Gilbert_Trousa, Pauly, meow, livingtoloaf GA, shagpile_perm, SK, SG, deep_stoat, PS, EC, AM, PS, AW, JC, * Bl and As for Brian May photos * O’L for correcting us – that Airey Neave was killed by INLA not IRA
Old Jokes Home:
Stuart Hall only admitted to seven offences, but then the Police played their joker…
“Tobey Maguire’s narration ‘manages the excitement levels of a small marsupial, recently awoken from hibernation by the roaring twenties and now anxious to get back to sleep'” – A great review of Great Gatsby: