Muppet Corruption

Which? Recommended four years in a row

Choosing to hang up their masks in the middle of a pandemic is a bold choice, but we can’t really see why Daft Punk have bothered to retire. Part of the reason they remained so committed to the whole robot bit was precisely so that the legendarily reclusive producers didn’t have to turn up to the very few occasions they were ever required to attend.

Yes, keeping those masks on meant they had to forego the odd glass of champagne at fancy industry soirées (like Jay-Z’s lavish Tidal launch) but that’s hardly a sacrifice when you’re also able – at any time – to dress up a couple of stand-ins in the trademark robot gear, pack them off to a European festival with a pre-programmed mix and then pocket the six-figure appearance fee without anyone being any the wiser.

Why retire from such a lucrative wheeze that they could have easily continued indefinitely? Who knows? Maybe they were human after all?

Good news for race relations in America. One fancy private school in New York is helping solve the problem by having its insanely wealthy, largely white pupils take a mandatory seminar in how to make black friends.

Alongside the usual curriculum, Friends Seminary in the East Village (current annual fee: $53,900) is teaching the class “Achieving Racial Equality… One Friend At A Time” so that the next generation of rich white elites can not only claim to have black friends, they’ll also have a qualification to prove it too.

Sadly this all comes a bit too late for one of the school’s best-known graduates. To think of all the bad press that Lena Dunham could have avoided if she’d just been born a few years later.

Which rising young media pundit has a predictably over-confident seduction technique? When things are starting to look promising, he’ll drop his trousers, lean back and then remark (on his partner’s behalf): “Big, isn’t it?”

News that Robbie Williams is the subject of a new biopic was met with a rather muted response this week, but we’re kind of looking forward to it. Especially if it deals with some of the more mysterious romantic subplots of his life.

Maybe we’ll get to find out what happened between him and Geri Halliwell that left her saying of Robbie, “Hopefully God will be able to forgive him. I know I have… but, of course, I’m not God!”

Maybe we’ll also get to learn who on the set of the Rock DJ video was responsible for causing the multiple erections he popped during filming.

And maybe it will finally get us an answer as to what actually went on between Robbie and Nicole Kidman during the Somethin’ Stupid sessions? Robbie insisted to friends that he shagged her (because he “might as well”) but she sounded surprised when asked, saying “No? He’s gay, isn’t he? I thought everyone knew that?”

Quite how much stock you’re willing to put in Nicole Kidman’s gaydar though is entirely a matter for you…

If the Daily Mail really are as outraged as they claim to be about Disney+ having to put a disclaimer on the front of some Muppet Show episodes from the 70s that haven’t aged particularly well, they’re going to blow their top when they hear what else the Muppets have been getting up to over the years.

When US staff from the Jim Henson Studios paid a visit to London once upon a time, their UK hosts were surprised to see they’d brought an impressive stash of homegrown with them.

How had they managed to smuggle so much of it through customs? In Miss Piggy.

anon writes:
“I used to work on The Weakest Link and, while I never added any special garnish to Anne Robinson’s fruit salad personally, I can attest that there was very little difference in her on- and off-camera persona.

“To avoid her having to come into contact with anyone when off-set, production crew had to maintain ‘lockdown’ (yes, we called it that) every time she walked between her dressing room and the studio. Runners would be posted to every doorway with a subtle hand signal (crossed arms across the chest) and contestants would be kept behind closed doors as she made her way, Vader like, through the corridors. Any instance of Joe Public bumping into her would result in a severe reprimand for whatever unlucky crew member happened to be within range.

“The idea of her having not only to interact with Countdown contestants, but also having to be nice to them on camera, is rather hard to imagine. Her hosting what is primarily a word-based game is also amusing as question researchers had to spell out even the most basic words phonetically so she wouldn’t mangle them completely during the rounds.”

TalkRadio host Mike “Porky” Parry started the week with a big announcement on Twitter that he was going to be taking over the station’s weekend lunchtime show. Four days later, there’s suddenly no mention of him anywhere on the upcoming schedule – neither in his old slot, nor in the new one.

What happened? Sadly, it seems Porky is the latest victim of #cancel culture.

All he did was repeatedly publicly insinuate that his former TalkRadio colleague Mike Graham was a cocaine-addicted drunk and that some of the station’s other talent were forgettable nobodies. And now he looks to have been de-platformed, simply for holding these differing opinions.

Still, at least it gives him some more time to practise his cinnamon swallowing…

Last week, Marina Hyde wrote a column for the Guardian entitled “Whatever You Think Of Harry And Meghan, Their Media Critics Are Far Worse”. It was typically pointed stuff, laying into the type of “middle-aged newspapermen” who wet their pants, shit their beds and foam at the mouth at the very thought of the Sussexes stepping out of line.

Who could she possibly have had in mind? Piers Morgan, perhaps? If so, she rather diplomatically stopped short of mentioning him by name. Then again, it can be quite awkward to publicly dress down someone you were extremely close to early on in your career. Those sorts of roots can tend to run quite deep.

Elsewhere this weekend, Camilla Long wrote a column for the Sunday Times on the topic of “Man Toddler” bosses. It was typically pointed stuff, laying into the “self satisfied older men being mopped and professionally fussed by second wives in their places of work”.

Who could she possibly have had in mind? John Witherow, perhaps? If so, she rather diplomatically stopped short of mentioning him by name. Then again, it can be quite… well, you get the picture.

The music business/press love-in with Hipgnosis reached new heights this week, with a Billboard cover lauding founder Merck Mercuriadis as “the man who bought the world”.

You’ll maybe know Hipgnosis as the fund that makes headlines every couple of weeks whenever it buys up some massive share of a famous music artist’s back catalogue. So far it’s raised around $1bn and bought the rights to thousands of songs, under the theory that these are all assets that will appreciate in value.

One thing largely overlooked in all the self-publicity though is how similar the early trajectory of Hipgnosis is to Merck’s previous employers, Sanctuary Records. Sanctuary was huge for a while. The business model was to buy loads of management companies in eyebrow-raising, publicity-generating megabucks deals. This increased their valuation and share price, making big bucks for the bosses. Or at least it did until it became obvious that the deals actually created little in the way of value. Then the share price tanked, regulators found a load of accounting irregularities and it was left to be rescued by Universal.

Hipgnosis is currently paying huge money for a load of songs. The share price is going up and Merck makes his advisory fees based on the valuation of the company. So let’s hope the business model is a bit more robust this time around.

Boney M x Bon Jovi
[Watch and weep]

Does Chloe Ferry fit Wayne Lineker’s stringent criteria for the perfect girlfriend?
[An investigation]

Think Eurovision couldn’t get camper? Think again. RuPaul has a drag Eurovision series in the pipeline.
[Read on EW]

Want to live with creepy dolls?
[See on Zillow]

Local News Of The Week: Scottish Seagulls and Ultraviolence Edition
[Read on Edinburgh News]

Interesting piece on how cryptocurrency could finally see musicians getting paid a fair wage
[Read on Rolling Stone]

ARS Refrigeration has an unfortunate URL
[arswholesale.co.uk]

With a Frasier reboot in the works, a reminder that Kesley Grammer has an anti-cheating crotch tattoo
[Read on The Cut]

Someone bought the Silence Of The Lambs house. Now you can stay there…
[BYO Chianti]

Still Bored?
An essential companion piece to the new Adam Curtis series, Adam talks to Rubberbandits’ Blindboy about the process and thoughts behind Can’t Get You Out Of My Head
[Listen to Spotify]