Nilstrodamus

Photos of Adele’s ostentatious Titanic-themed 30th birthday party made the press last week, with Adele dressed in full Rose gear and the venue done up in realistic period finery.

Obviously she’s worth millions, so has this sort of money to burn. Her age has always been an important part of her art too – but, still. Seems like an awful lot of expense to go to just to celebrate a birthday, doesn’t it?

Unless that wasn’t the only thing she was celebrating…?

The news that he’s been dropped from England’s World Cup squad won’t have gone over well with Joe Hart. He’s got rather poor form when it comes to dealing with this sort of thing.

Last year, while filming a package for Children In Need, Joe was invited to a community centre to surprise some young carers and go in goal for a charity penalty shootout. However, when one of the kids (a nine year old) started getting a bit mouthy, taunting Joe about the fact he’d been dropped by Man City and had ended up playing for a shit team instead, the keeper’s temper flared up and he booted the kid’s ball over the community centre and out of the grounds.

Then he didn’t let in a single goal for the rest of the day.

Which media exec decided to use a post-divorce shagging spree as a way of firming up some of his best journo contacts? His very particular brand of networking really livened up one industry drinks party when word spread round the guests that a colleague of theirs had been caught going at it with him over the bonnet of a car outside…

The trailer for the ill-fated Queen biopic Bohemian Rhapsody has finally been released, and it seems that Sacha Baron Cohen was right all along. The extravagant, debauched and unapologetically queer elements of Freddie Mercury’s life (and death) are being glossed over in favour of concentrating on the rather dreary nuts and bolts of Queen recording their biggest hit.

If they’re sanitising one of the most integral parts of the story, then we’re not holding out much hope that they’re going to include any of our favourite Freddie moments, including:

* The time he threw a party at a restaurant in Soho where most of his guests never actually saw him because he took up residence in the toilets, sucking off anyone who came within thrusting distance.

* The time Michael Jackson invited him to collaborate, only to fire him three songs in when Jacko caught Freddie snorting gak in his bathroom.

* The time he and Kenny Everett dressed Princess Diana up in full aviator gear and snuck her into the Royal Vauxhall Tavern.

* The writing of the song Life Is Real, which began on a flight across America when Freddie was struck by the muse, getting his assistant to write down the original opening line: “Cunt stains on my pillow”.

* If they haven’t cast Elton John and Rod Stewart in cameo roles, playing their respective parts in the supergroup that Freddie once tried to form (“Hair, Nose & Teeth”) then what was even the point of this film?

Terrifying though it must have been for SuRie to have her stage invaded at Eurovision by some odd bloke in a bandana raving about Nazis – spare a thought for Serbia too, who had to follow her.

As SuRie chose to stay on the stage and finish her song, she was unlikely to have seen what happened after the guy was bundled away by security. But the Serbian act, who were waiting in the wings to go on? They were treated to the full sight of security dragging him out of the audience’s eyeline and kicking the shit out of him – two minutes before they were sent out there themselves.

One person who didn’t seem fussed by any of the commotion on stage at Eurovision was Australia’s Jessica Mauboy. Once she’d finished mauling her song, she did her home nation proud by whooping it up in the green room after.

Spies there saw her really getting into the swing of the show, doing her own little dance routines in tribute to the rest of the acts on stage – and following along with every one of Sweden’s moves.

Bless.

When the extent of Jimmy Savile’s crimes became clear a year after his death, a lot was made of the fact that Irvine Welsh had seemingly ‘predicted’ the whole thing with his short story, Lorraine Goes To Livingston (a tale which featured a nationally-beloved TV presenter with a penchant for necrophilia and child abuse that he covered up with some very visible charitable work).

Now that Dennis Nilsen has died, the story about him bringing in his own homemade curries for colleagues at the Soho Jobcentre has started to do the rounds.

We’d be tempted to wave it off as an urban legend, but the one thing giving us pause? Irvine Welsh mentions the very same Nilsen rumour in Trainspotting.

While it’s a good thing that the monsters of Hollywood are being rooted out and cast into the wilderness, the fallout from these things is so widespread that, often, a blameless auxiliary party will end up suffering as an unintended consequence.

For example, Harvey Weinstein used to be an avid purchaser of hardback books from Open Book, the independent bookshop in Richmond that he’d always visit when staying with his mother-in-law who lived nearby.

However, since last year’s scandal has caused his wife to divorce him and the Weinstein Company to file for bankruptcy, Harvey will no longer have the cause to pop by, nor the funds to buy up anything like the sort of stock he once did.

She’s become better known as a reality star after her controversial run in last year’s Celebrity Big Brother, but India Willoughby can still be an intrepid reporter when the situation calls for it.

Recently, she’s been having her friends at Channel 5 News invent “meetings” with her in order to get her through security and into the building. Once there, she uses the opportunity to corner 5 News bosses and confront them about why she isn’t getting many newsreading shifts any more.

Local News Of The Week
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Duckling invasion!
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Feeling peaky? Bit of a cough? It’s probably that heavy weekend… but just in case, don’t worry, you can write your will for free in 15 mins thanks to some clever Popbitch readers
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Penguin chasing a butterfly
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Props to whichever sub came up with this headline about tortoise sex
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