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London Eurovision Party, Cafe de Paris, 13 April 2014. Featuring Austria’s fabulous bearded lady, Conchita Wurst & Norway, UK, Greece etc. Tickets/info:
http://www.londoneurovision.com
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“Certainly not freakishly small and certainly not enormous” – Richard Horwell QC, on Max Clifford’s penis
POPBITCH _ _ _ _
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|_| |_| 27.03.14 ISSUE 683
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* Corden or Balding?
* Flying high with Cumberbatch
* Charts: 5 Seconds of Summer are no. 1
>> Builder’s Crack <<
Splitting up celebrity-style
Gwyneth and Chris Martin’s “conscious uncoupling” probably shouldn’t have come as a huge surprise. The writing has been on the wall ever since they bought adjoining houses with the plan to knock through – but then never actually did so. Meaning that they could lead separate lives from the comfort of their own home(s).
At a crowded event recently James Corden was mistaken for Claire Balding. He wasn’t impressed.
>> Setting the Barlow <<
James “Arg” has to re-brand
Poor old James “Arg” Argent from TOWIE. While his mates have gone on to do more interesting celeb-y things (Joey went into the jungle; Amy refused to do a ski-jump on that show about ski-jumping; Mark made Britain’s worst ever TV show Party Wright Around The World) Arg is still just Arg from TOWIE.
In a sweetly self-deprecating way Arg tried to diffuse any comments about his longevity by referring to himself as “The Ken Barlow of TOWIE” but, given recent events, TV execs have quietly asked him to drop that moniker, and go with “The Ian Beale of TOWIE” instead.
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>> Big Questions <<
Who wants to know what?
Which celebrity hardman enlivened a recent interview by bringing out a huge bowl of cocaine with the instruction “I’ve had my dinner, lads, tuck in!”
Roy Wood’s real name is Ulysses.
>> Warming up <<
An actress prepares
Nicole Kidman wasn’t particularly popular on the set of her new film The Railwayman. On top of all the expected grumbles (she was rather aloof; she had exacting rules for everything, even including where and how her clothes should be laid out in wardrobe, etc…) there was one we’d never heard before.
The crew claimed they couldn’t film scenes too early on location in Scotland as Nicole’s collagen fills needed time to warm up sufficiently so she could move her face properly.
Ken Bruce has a new car. It’s a Silver Land Rover Freelander 2.
>> No switch, Sherlock <<
Getting Benny-dicked around
Benedict Cumberbatch was on a flight when he told the purser he “wasn’t comfortable” and wanted a different seat. Although it’s hard to think that any first-class seat wouldn’t be comfortable, the woman in the seat he wanted didn’t mind and agreed to swap.
A little later, Benny decided he preferred his original seat. Again, the woman swapped. Not being from the UK or the States, she had no idea who the passenger with ants-in-his-pants was so, emboldened by the free champagne, she asked him.
The actor replied that he was the voice of the dragon in the Hobbit films and seemed somewhat put out when she burst out laughing.
Nom Dem of the week: the Fire Chief doing press briefings in Washington re the mudslide disaster is… Travis Hots.
>> Strange brew <<
Guardian gets more ridiculous
Weirdest item in the Guardian yesterday, was an advert for one of their upcoming courses: “How To Launch An Independent Brewery” (Costing 99GBP, btw)
Part two: “How To Organise A Piss-Up” seems to be as-yet unscheduled.
Selfies go post-modern – Newton Faulkner spotted taking one in front of a Newton Faulkner poster at the Roundhouse, Camden.
>> Championship scavenger <<
Warnock’s posh fizz swizz
The Nottingham Forest squad have at least one reason to be grateful that Neil Warnock just turned down the chance to become manager, now they’re pushing for a place in the Championship play-offs.
When Warnock was at Sheffield United, Ken Bates once dropped a crate of Dom Perignon off to the dressing room to help the club celebrate a promotion. But strangely the players never saw any of it…
Jim Culloty – who trained Cheltenham Gold Cup winner, Lord Windermere – is Tim Henman’s cousin.
>> Greylords <<
Old better than young
Anon writes:
“You mentioned a new ITV show called Amazing Greys (“contestants go head to head with some of Britain’s most talented pensioners”) in a rather disparaging way. Well, turns out it’s surprisingly watchable. But the show had a huge problem. The old folk kept on beating the young people. Constantly. Therefore they had to make the games easier and give the youngsters a head start option etc.”
Happy Mondays’ nutjob Rowetta was on BBC GMR’s Red Wednesday show this week. It’s fair to say she’s no fan of David Moyes.
>> Hmms <<
Yoko, Judy, dogs
Bromley psychic says Crystal Palace will stay up and Arsenal won’t win league. She used to be engaged to Arsene Wenger, too. Back in the 15th century. When he was heir to the French throne:
http://bit.ly/1rEdQpH
An excellent use of the cock ‘n’ balls drawing:
http://bit.ly/1gEXiKQ
Mark Zuckerberg is a member of an ‘Eliminating Desire’ group on Facebook:
http://on.fb.me/1duDsBq
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Thanks to: AP, SG, FS, S, CH, meow, LT, thebestnameshavegone, SW, mountstnobody, celtiagirl
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Old Jokes Home:
An E-flat, a G-flat, and a B-flat walk in to a bar and the bartender says: “I’m sorry, we don’t serve minors.”
Still Bored:
How the cabinet office gave millionaire supermodel Lily Cole 200 grand of taxpayers’ cash to set up a website where you write down your wishes:
http://bit.ly/1rEdorh
