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Olive’s Queif

 

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“My dad has given his blessing to have sex” – Dani Dyer, daughter of Danny Dyer

“If anyone has sex, I don’t care. But my dad is in the industry and I have to respect the fact that anything that comes at me will also be coming at him” – Dani Dyer

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* The sound of a dog’s vagina!
* Ralph and Russo’s love at first bite!
* PLUS: The best of World Otter Day
>> Vice to meet you <<
Nancy’s comic introduction
 

Vice’s new CEO, Nancy Dubuc, started her job this week and has already got everyone’s backs up.

We’re not sure what’s irked the writers most. That she’s been describing their company as a “punky upstart”? That she’s hung a motivational neon sign in her office, which reads “Who Dares Wins” (a slogan she says “seems to capture the spirit of the company”)?

Or, most likely, the long introductory email she sent out to all staff – which was written entirely in Comic Sans.

Today (May 31st) is the 13th anniversary of Brian Harvey running himself over with his own car after gorging on too many jacket potatoes.
>> Rosie and me <<
Fewer friends; Moore fiascos
 

Documentary maker Michael Moore has announced his intention to take aim at Roseanne Barr in his upcoming project.

It’s a shame when friendships like theirs break down as, once upon a time, the two of them were best buds. They were very politically aligned too, as they both flew around the US on a private jet together trying to stop Bush from getting elected for a second term in 2004.

Of course, two blue-collar heroes like Mike and Roseanne would never dream of splashing out on a private jet for themselves. No, sir. That was provided for them by… Harvey Weinstein!

Michael Moore says he was targeted during Roseanne’s Ambien tweet-a-thon too, claiming she retweeted a “viscous” slur about him. (Which is terrible. The viscous ones always stick.)
>> Big Questions <<
Who’s asking what this week?
 

Which of the performers at this weekend’s All Points East festival got a much better reception than she did on a previous visit to London? After taking the hump with staff at the since-closed HMV on Oxford Street during an appearance there many years back, she left a juicy protest turd on the floor of the staff toilets.

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>> Becks education <<
The sound of a dog’s vagina
 

Someone really needs to find David Beckham a job. He’s spent a lot of this week posting things on Instagram that have been getting him in mild trouble. As well as laughing at his wife on the treadmill, Becks has been making jokes about his dog’s hair.

He shared a photo with the caption: “What’s going on with Olives queif?”

While David is likely to have meant “quiff”, if you’re not au fait with the Urban Dictionary definition of his version (more commonly spelled “queef”), you’ll soon see why he took it down…

[The semi-NSFW definition is here]

Pete Wylie out of The Mighty Wah’s dog Billy died yesterday. RIP Billy.
>> Bad language <<
Party hands; nasty mouth
 

The news that Meghan Markle will have to undergo six months of “Duchess training” at the behest of the Queen has put a slight dampener on the notion that she is going to be a modernising influence on the Royals.

That said, now that Meghan’s around, the chances of Prince Andrew continuing to blithely use the sort of Enid Blyton-era slang he’s still so fond of (including the infamous “woodpile” figure of speech that got Tory MP Anne Marie Morris in so much trouble last year) are a little slimmer at least.

Tom Parker Bowles slipped out of the royal wedding party early to go to the wedding reception of his chef friends, Neil Borthwick and Angela Hartnett.
>> A little R&R <<
Love at first bite
 

It’s a shame that Ralph & Russo (the designers that were rumoured to be creating Meghan Markle’s dress for the royal wedding) didn’t get the gig in the end, as their origin story is one of the best we’ve heard.

Before they teamed up, Michael Russo ran a small start-up. One of the staff there was an Aussie called Glen who was sleeping on Russo’s couch.

When another Aussie came to join (Tamara Ralph), Russo also offered her a place to crash. It only took a few days before Glen started to grumble about this newcomer, complaining about what a bitch she was and insisting that she had to go.

Things hit boiling point one morning when Glen burst into the office in an almighty fury, screaming to Russo about what had just happened back at the flat. Glen was so sick of her smoking in their shared space that he took Ralph’s cigarettes and threw them out the window.

Ralph’s response to this? She bit him.

And the rest, as they say, is history.

Nominative Determinism of the Week: Having previously appointed Mr Rainwater as interim director, New Orleans Water and Sewer Board has a new spokesperson… Mr Rainey!
>> Golden boy <<
Heating up tensions
 

Goldie being found guilty of assault and fined for scrapping with bouncers at Glastonbury comes as no surprise. He’s always been a spiky wee radge.

In the early 00s, Goldie was signed up to have his official online presence hosted by Trust The DJ. The arrangement required him to tell them all his news first so that they could be the official channel to release it.

So when they found out about his return to EastEnders through a news story on the BBC website, their artist liaison sent Goldie a politely worded email reminding him of their contract, pointing out that they’d paid a bucketload of cash for exactly this sort of thing – and if he wasn’t going to play by the rules then they’d have to start looking at ways to recover it.

Goldie promptly showed up at the company’s office, shoved the letter in the liaison’s face and told him in no uncertain terms that if he ever sent him a letter like that again, he would burn their office to the ground.

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>> Hartless, pt.II <<
More tales of Joe
Anon writes:
“I worked at Man City when Joe Hart signed in 2006 and he was as nice as pie on his first day. Polite, a good listener and a bit overawed after moving from Shrewsbury.”Wind forward five years, when, just after City had won the FA Cup (the club’s first trophy in 35 years) he did some club media duties backstage at a club awards do. You’d think all would be good, but the extent to which he changed was defined by his response to the questions posed – by friendly, in-house media.

“He said “cunt”, “fuck” and “shit”. That was it for the interview.

“What a charmer.”

Anti-Nominative Determinism Of The Week: The Tory MP who was a member of “Britain for the British”, “Pendragons Fight Back” and “For Britain Political Party” Facebook groups? Bob Blackman.
>> Standard issue <<
Perfect for time travellers
 

If Google and Uber and others really have signed a secret multi-million pound deal with George Osborne for favourable coverage in the Evening Standard, they’re going to want to keep a keen eye on what they get for their money.

WACL – the ad industry organisation comprised of adland’s senior women executives, ‘thought leaders’ and spokespeople – hosted an event called Gather on May 24th and ran an ad in the Evening Standard hoping to attract more women “with ambition in communications and marketing”.

An ad which ran in the paper the day after the event.

If you’ve attempted to manage your data collection relationship with Huffington Post, you may have noticed that they share data with 400+ third parties.
>> You otter know <<
The best day of the year
 

Yesterday was World Otter Day and the internet went crazy as ever for cute pics of our mustelid friends.

Vancouver Aquarium wins our award for best photo [see here] although Toronto Zoo takes a solid second place [see here].

The only bone we have to pick is with the BBC. For while they got into the spirit of things by compiling a long thread on what makes sea otters “fascinating little creatures“, they rather brushed over the sea otters’ notorious sexual predilections. Not only have sea otters been known to shag their partners to death in rather violent mating rituals, some have also been spotted killing baby seals, stashing their corpses and banging them for up to a week postmortem.

And if anyone should know the problems that stem from brushing over behaviour like this, it’s the BBC.

Jaron Lanier in London – Thursday 14th June. One of the most interesting (and often counterintuitive) voices in tech, Lanier will be giving us 10 Arguments For Deleting Your Social Media Accounts Right Now. Want to know more? 15% discount with code POPBITCH.
[Book tickets here]

 

>> Hmmms <<
Rabbits, Rosanna, cheese rolling
 

Cheese Rolling Injuries 2018
[Watch on YouTube]

Local news of the week
[Read on Cambrian News]

Eagle Vs Fox
[Watch on YouTube]

Meet Buff Cat
[See on Twitter]

After months of being pestered by a fan to cover Africa, Weezer relented – but not before taking on another Toto hit first
[Listen to YouTube]

What a Hawaiian volcano eruption looks like from space
[See on Digg]

Thanks to: Kerching, VS, OB, TUA, MW, SW, poshduckhunter, MW, SE, bobbifleckmann, Daley Putchek, TC
Old Jokes Home:
My doctor told me to distance myself from drugs.
So I’ve bought a six foot straw.Still Bored?
If you tried to buy the Be More Pirate book last week and had trouble with the discount code, the issue has now been fixed. If you didn’t, but fancy getting yourself a copy of the FT Business Book Of The Month/Shortlist Book of The Week (one that caused Ed Miliband to say “Fuck me, this is so good”) you can get a 30% discount with the code POPBITCH
[Order here]

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