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“Seumas, I’m not sure this is a great idea” – Jeremy Corbyn
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|_| |_|30.06.16 ISSUE 793
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* Boris and Gove: More, more, more
* Rupert’s revenge: The humble pie
* Charts: Drake vs Kungs
>> Popbeach <<
Gove: sticking the boot on
We lost a few readers last week for being ‘too political’ in sending issues for both Remain and Leave, but we will not be swayed in our mission to bring you the facts you need in order to make up your mind about the people who are running this country.
With this in mind, we feel duty bound to tell you that Michael Gove wears wellies – ACTUAL WELLINGTON BOOTS – to the beach.
Don’t believe us? Take a look.
Think there couldn’t be more bad news for Britain? You’d be wrong. James Corden’s US chat show is coming to the UK on Sky.
>> Out and proud <<
Boris on a sticky wicket
After winning the Brexit vote for Britain (then leaving the country in a state of total turmoil) you may have read that Boris Johnson spent his weekend playing cricket.
What you won’t have read is that Boris’s innings was cut short after he was bowled out by the Popbitch Racing Club’s trainer George Baker.
Making George Britain’s only successful in-swinger of the last week.
Even though he has done fuck all this week, Boris has still earned – in book advances, column fees and his MP salary – about £39,774.
>> Big Questions <<
Who’s asking what this week?
Which A-list prostitute keeps condoms full of the frozen jizz of her ultra-famous clients in a freezer unit at home? If she’s hoping to make babies out of them, she’s probably spoiled the batches – but they’re still good evidence with which to secure a decent book/story deal.
Reviews for the ropey Ab Fab movie have been rather kind. In no way aided by critics getting a bottle of Bolly and the chance to party with Kylie, of course.
>> Production values <<
Friends in high places
Simon Cowell is backing the investigative reporter Mark Williams-Thomas in his attempts to make a British equivalent of Making A Murderer for ITV – a series in which Mark will look into a big true crime story.
Cowell’s most famous close associates? “Sir” Philip Green and Max Clifford.
Brave move this, Simon.
Daniel Sturridge, on how footballers have their priorities straight: “Fragrance probably shows people who you are as much as your clothes do”.
>> Benefit beats <<
Orange is the new Black Lace
We’ve had pop stars put in prison for drugs, murder, noncing, shackling rentboys to radiators – and now we’ve got our first celebrity benefits cheat behind bars.
Michael Betteridge, the front man from Black Lace, is going to jail for six months after claiming 24 grand in incapacity benefits, having told the DWP he was so disabled that he could only get around using sticks and all he could do was watch TV.
Meanwhile, far from being sofa-bound, he was touring the UK performing ‘vigorous’ renditions of Agadoo for audiences at over 100 gigs.
Which is reason enough to lock him up, if you ask us.
Hollyoaks actress Alex Fletcher has called her baby son Hanson. (Big MmmmBop fan, we guess?)
>> Carter-fucked <<
Threesome celeb bites back
Remember that PJS injunction everyone was talking about a few weeks ago? After somehow persuading the Supreme Court to uphold his injunction and keep the details of his olive oil paddling pool sex party private, you’d have thought PJS would have been nothing but pleased with his lawyers.
But, no. It seems some people are never happy.
Poor old Carter-Ruck got binned off, because PJS was furious they hadn’t kept his name entirely off the internet.
Instead, PJS has switched his business to Schillings. Presumably impressed by all the good work they did in keeping Ryan Giggs’ name off the web…
Celeb fact of the week: Cheryl Cole is getting a ring from Liam 1D which is, apparently, “inspired by her famous rose bum tattoo.”
>> Address code <<
Playing the maestro card
Famous people can often be quite particular about the way you address them. Lauryn Hill makes it very clear that staff are only ever to call her ‘Ms Hill’. Ben Kingsley is famously pissy if people dare drop the ‘Sir’ from his name (so much so that even his kids, half-jokingly, call him “Sir Dad”).
But king of them all is Ennio Morricone. Before he does an interview, he has his people send out an email instructing the interviewer to address him only as… “Maestro”.
Win 6 tickets to The Donkey Show! What is its full title? The Donkey Show – A Midsummer Night’s… a) Drama? b) Disco? c) Duel? Answer/name/contact details to firstname.lastname@example.org by 04/07/16. Tickets from 25GBP.
>> Rupert’s revenge <<
Davey Cameron is a humble pie
No-one was surprised to see Rupert Murdoch’s best-selling paper come out in favour of Brexit. Many thought this was because of Murdoch’s love of the free markets, or the fact that he wields more influence at Downing Street than he does in Brussels – but some insiders take a different view.
They say it was a pure and simple revenge on Cameron for Murdoch having to endure the “most humble day of my life” (i.e. his appearance in front of the CMS Select Committee).
Apparently, Murdoch bears a grudge like no-one you have ever met.
Unless you’ve met Peter Thiel, of course.
Q/ Why does Britain love tea so much?
A/ Because tea leaves
>> Sniff test <<
Send for paedo beardog
Paedos beware! The authorities may soon be setting the dogs on you.
After a dog named Bear proved instrumental in sniffing out the flash drive that sent Subway spokesman Jared Fogle away to prison for possessing indecent images of children, police forces in Utah have been training sniffer dogs to dig out other hard drives, USB keys and memory cards.
The chairman and chief executive of Jefferies, the New York boutique investment bank is… Rich Handler.
>> Life imitates art <<
You could make it up
Many have commented in recent days that British politics feels like it’s being scripted by Armando Iannucci. Well, it looks like British PR is being scripted by Chris Morris and Charlie Brooker too.
For who has just joined the ranks at Hold Tight PR? A new Creative Director…
Nathan Barley Phillips.