Paw Weddings And A Funeral

You think you’ve seen it all in celebrity news, then something comes along that makes you wonder if you’ve even begun to scratch the surface. This week, it was learning that Jerry Seinfeld’s cat, Javier, is engaged to marry Barbara Bush’s cat, Eleanor: a union that would make POTUS 43 Javier’s grandfather-in-law in a fur-baby family tree.

If the Seinfeld-Bushes need any inspiration for the wedding, they should hit up Sigourney Weaver. When Sigourney wanted to breed her greyhound (Petals) with her neighbours’ very handsome greyhound (Jimmy), rather than just have them rut like any normie dog owner would, she threw them a full doggy wedding ceremony.

She bought Petals a very expensive wedding gown (as Jimmy was so much better looking, she didn’t want her dog feeling overshadowed). Other dogs attended, all dressed up. They served them dog champagne and the happy couple were married with the line, “Bark now or forever hold your peace”.

Sadly, it’s not all hearts and roses event-planning for pets. Celebrities are just as often required to arrange funerals for our furry friends.

Rick Wakeman from Yes once held a successful memorial golf tournament at a course near the village of Diss in Norfolk. The event was attended by 150 people, with a speech afterwards by the man himself and a performance from a puppeteer.

The deceased, of whom this was in honour? A cat that his daughter had seen being run over near their home.

Back in October, we asked: “Which media pundit is actively trying to get himself ‘cancelled’ by pushing a weird social media campaign […] because he’s making a documentary about cancel culture and is hoping to bait the press into flaming him?”

The resultant documentary airs tonight: Cancelled on C4 with Richard Bacon. The campaign he was trying to push was called Sweets Aren’t Treats and looked to “#canceltrickortreat” by encouraging people to hand out apple segments on Halloween to curb childhood obesity.

Maybe Richard’s been living in LA too long, but it never seemed like Halloween was enough of a cultural touchstone here in the UK for anyone to get riled up enough to properly try to cancel him for it.

That said, the content-hungry piggies at MailOnline and the Telegraph ran a few short, predictable pieces on it. But as the campaign only amassed about 25 retweets in total over a month, and the website set up for it has since been taken offline, it seems unlikely it will have made the final cut for tonight.

With illicit Xmas office parties leading the agenda today, we were amused to see The Sun’s primary contribution to the discussion has been: “Grinch bosses BANNING kissing under their mistletoe at office Christmas parties over Covid fears”.

There’ll be no such fears at NewsUK. Last year, at the same time The Sun was busy dressing down Kay Burley and Rita Ora for attending parties in breach of Covid rules, the paper hosted its own secret rule-breaking Xmas bash – at which one of their senior execs was seen in his glass-fronted office flouting social distancing orders fingers-first with one of the company’s PAs.

Things will be different in 2021 though. Now that his divorce has gone through, this exec is apparently hoping to bring the same woman to this year’s party as his official girlfriend. Bless. Just one request from colleagues. If you’re going to do such graphic hand-stuff again, maybe take it to the toilets like civilized people?

Now that he’s stepped down as Twitter CEO, Jack Dorsey will have a bit more time to relax and turn his mind to spiritual matters. A big fan of meditation, Jack enjoyed a Vipassana retreat in South Africa a few years ago.

It was slightly less relaxing for the other people there on account of the ex-Navy Seals and drones that Jack had brought along to stake out the hills around the centre in case anyone tried to kidnap him.

It was almost entirely unnecessary too as the people there barely even knew what Twitter was, let alone the bearded American weirdo who ran it.

Obviously we all know the Royal Family is composed of ten-foot reptilian shape-shifters who drink blood, feast on children and worship Satan. That’s why everyone was so delighted for Barbados this week when they cut themselves loose from the British monarchy and declared Rihanna their national hero instead.

But such celebrations might be premature. For years, someone has been emailing Popbitch regular dispatches exposing the ‘truth’ about Rihanna – and the stories they relay make the Queen sound like Shirley Temple in comparison. Sure, Liz might have bumped off Diana but, according to this whistleblower, Rihanna:

* Has taken out hits on five music industry execs over the years, each murdered by a paid assassin for various slights

* Cultivated close ties with the police, who refuse to investigate any accusations made of her because she pays them off (and possibly has sex with them)

* Was, for a significant period, possessed by the Devil

* Threatened to kill a nurse who recognised her in ER

* Dabbles in voodoo to smite her enemies and once lost a nipple in a voodoo counter-attack

The Spectator’s short-lived WokeyLeaks column never really bounced back from the minor media brouhaha it caused this summer when it came close to running a story on Marcus Rashford that transpired to be a hoax. The column has since been quietly dropped, but its writer – Heydon Prowse – is now back on the beat, giving interviews about the incident and what it tells us about the culture wars.

Off-mic, he’s also been telling people that the idea for an anonymous column came about because he really wanted to write a scathing piece about Soho House Tel Aviv, skewering the celebrity hangout by asking if they’d accept Gazans as members.

But he didn’t want to put his byline on it as he didn’t want them cancelling his own membership.

Despite the recent revelations that Meghan Markle had been telling porkies to the judge in her privacy case against the Mail on Sunday, the court of appeal has today ruled in her favour and there will be no trial.

The Sussexes will likely spin this as some great David v Goliath success, while the tabloids will cry about an Establishment cover-up – but, really, the legal case was pretty open and shut. Meghan held the copyright to that letter (not her dad, who only owned the paper it was written on) and while the MoS could have had a public interest case in revealing certain aspects of it, they chose to publish way more than was legally necessary.

But to take a step back from the particulars of Meghan v The Mail, the ramifications of this verdict may have a worryingly long tail.

The thing that helped to bring about an end to the notorious celebrity ‘superinjunction’ era was the principle that a claimant should have clean hands and be truthful. Failing to play straight with the courts is what did for cases like John Terry and Lord Browne.

Today’s result waters this principle down and shows there can still be rewards for a celebrity misleading a court. Champagne corks will be popping at Schillings as we speak.

Good news! The annual Play-At-Home Popbitch Xmas Quiz will be ready early next week: ideal if you haven’t got an invitation for Downing Street drinks this December and are in need of something to do.

We’ll send out the details of how you can get your copy soon, but if you want to get a warm-up game in ahead of time, we have a November quiz on sale right now – with eight new rounds of gossip, trivia, music, a Tory sleaze mix’n’match, Plastic Surgeon or TV Doctor? and much more besides.

[Get it here]

Kendall Roy’s 40th Birthday Playlist
[Listen on Spotify]

Mix’n’match emojis
[EmojiMix]

International Local News: Steve The Goat gets loose
[An incredible picture]

How Justin Timberlake Came Undone
[Read on Slate]

Toward A Theory Of The 90s Dad Thriller
[Some incredible infographics]

Christopher Parker who played Spencer Moon in Eastenders is now a lawyer specialising in media industries
[Ignition Law]

Tickle Me Elmo and the Unabomber case
[A strange story on MEL]

Still Bored?
Dave Grohl’s disco covers continue
[This time: Copacabana]