There’s plenty of Cheltenham fun to be had if you sign up with Coral. Bet five pounds and get a 20 pound free bet. http://bit.ly/1G2jk2L
“Moses comes down with the Ten commandments and says ‘Thou shalt not’. He didn’t say shit about 3D printing.” – will.i.am
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|_| |_| 12.03.15 ISSUE 729
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* The Clarkson fall-out
* More tales of Mote and Grade
* Charts: Flo Rida is number one
>> Bunny talks <<
Have to keep giving it that
When a wannabe pop star hits the big time one of the first things they usually do is trade in the pre-fame girlfriend. But we’ve never heard of someone ditching their pet.
David Steele was John Newman’s rabbit. David was left with a friend while John went off on tour but, now that he’s back, the friend is somehow still caring for the poor forsaken bunny – rather reluctantly by the sounds of it.
Poor Robin Thicke. Not only has the massive creep been stumped with a $7m plagiarism bill, the verdict was handed down on his birthday.
>> Gear change <<
Making moves again
Boorish twat he may well be, but Jeremy Clarkson will be beating off job offers like they’re producers with a botched dinner order if the Beeb do eventually decide to sack him.
Where would he go? Some insiders say they wouldn’t be surprised if Clarkson chose to go to ITV. It wouldn’t be the first time he’s ended up in the welcome embrace of their Director of Comedy and Entertainment, Elaine Bedell. She was the woman who had the dubious pleasure of being papped in an intimate clinch with him back in 2000 and 2003.
(It was the Mirror’s use of these photos which started the Clarkson/Piers Morgan feud.)
It’s not just physical abuse Clarkson doled out. The words used are said to be something along the lines of “Where’s our hot food, you lazy fucking Irish cunt?”
>> Big Questions <<
Who’s asking what this week?
Which leading light of the anti-phone hacking contingent has obviously smartened up his act? One reporter who met him before all the limelight of the Leveson Inquiry described him as having “the worst case of dandruff and body odour I’d experienced”.
Q/ What do Jeremy Clarkson, Whitney and Amy Winehouse have in common?
A/ None of them are doing Top Gear anymore.
>> Clarkson II <<
Drunk and incapable
If it was Clarkson’s insistence on staying in the pub late that led to the ‘fracas’, it wouldn’t be the first story we’ve heard of his long pub binges causing production havoc.
One tale reaches us about a Top Gear shoot on which Clarkson and his two gimps turned up on set the morning after a heavy night’s drinking, all still over the legal limit. Cue a wasted day’s filming – even after a doctor rushed in to give them all B Vitamin jabs to try to sober them up.
Best detail of the Clarkson fracas? Jezza was drunk on rose. Who the hell drinks pink wine in winter?
*********** Cheltenham ************
>> Cheltenham Festival <<
Our tips for Thursday
Something weird’s happened. Our Cheltenham Festival tips have actually been good this year. (Surely it can’t last?)
Anyway, here’s our tips for this afternoon:
1. World Hurdle (3.20pm)
2. Brown Advisory (4.00pm)
3. World Hurdle (3.20pm)
JETSON – each way
FYI: Open an account with Coral, bet five pounds and then you get a free 20 quid bet for later. Maybe tomorrow’s Gold Cup?
*********** Cheltenham ************
Patsy Kensit spotted in Mauritius: “Overweight, slightly pissed, not over Liam, bodyguard at her side”.
>> For Pete’s sake <<
Files on the internet
Massachusetts news station WWLP-22 had a good story this week about a local pastor who was doing a bit of plain old ‘surfing the internet’, when he somehow stumbled across a gay dating site by the name of bros4bros, whereupon he found some pictures of his 13 year old grandson.
And while there’s absolutely nothing funny about a man of the cloth trying to pretend to a local news team that he definitely wasn’t cruising the internet in search of a man to fuck, we must admit that we did get a chuckle out of one little detail.
The beady-eyed minister who just so happened to chance upon a dating site with 13 year olds on it is called…
David Walliams’ Rock’n’Roll Rider: Some water, a cup of tea, a big bowl of Malteasers. And that’s it.
>> Pizza the action <<
Mr Showbiz bounces back
Remember Neil Sean? The Metro’s old gossip columnist? The one who went full Partridge and took a job as Travelodge’s official ‘writer-in-residence’ – living in their hotels as he wrote a book about how you can scrounge a celebrity lifestyle for free?
Good news. He’s got himself an even better gig. He’s doing a cabaret show at Pizza Express. And from the look of the promo on YouTube, it’s going to be a real bobby-dazzler…
RIP Holy Moly. We know you were big Neil Sean fans. Maybe we can hold an aftershow party in your memory?
>> Mo’ Mote <<
Fun with numbers
As we mentioned last week, Jane Mote was one of those responsible for the dismantling of Greater London Radio. Staff at GLR didn’t take too kindly to her getting rid of the station’s music – so when they had to put their record library into storage they picked a very particular six digit code for the lock.
The code was 386683. Not for any palindromic reason, but because when you typed it on the alphanumeric keypad it spelled out “F U Mote”.
Who would Danny Dyer’s dream celeb neighbour be? A: “I wouldn’t live next to anyone. I want a fucking detached house.”
>> Grade schooled <<
Table graffiti at C4
Mote’s partner-in-crime at GLR was Michael Grade, who has been in the news this week giving his two cents about the televised leaders debates.
Famously Chris Morris included a subliminal, single-frame shot in an episode of Brass Eye which displayed the words “Grade Is A Cunt”.
Looks like that was a bit of a catchphrase around the Channel 4 offices. Someone dismantling the huge wooden desk in the C4 boardroom a few years back was charmed to see that someone had scrawled the same words in huge letters all across the table’s underside.
What’s Craig David up to now? Being Conor Maynard’s chaperone, judging by a weird cameo in the baby-faced pipsqueak’s new video.
>> Paravision <<
How to stand out in Vienna
Eurovision has always been a place of tolerance, inclusion and acceptance, and this year looks to be the year of the differently abled.
Finland have already announced they’re sending PKN – a punk band with Down Syndrome and learning difficulties. Now Poland are doing their bit to highlight diversity too by sending Monika Kuszyńska – a wheelchair user who was left partially paralysed by a car accident.
Some Eurovision purists have been throwing a strop about this, pissing their beds complaining about organisers cynically trying to court the sympathy vote. To them we say a simple “Fuck you.”
But if there are any sympathy votes flying about, god knows the UK is going to need every bit of help it can get.
If you haven’t heard it, it’s a 1920s style novelty song which sounds almost exactly like that old Bird’s Eye Potato Waffles advert.