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“I always wanted to be the pope because I thought it would be glamorous” – Neil Tennant
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|_| |_|28.01.16 ISSUE 770
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* The mad mutts of Mariah Carey
* Who is the chicken fucker?
* Charts: Shawn Mendes is no 1
>> Passive attack <<
No smoke without fire
Harry Styles has been “linked to” fashion stylist Pandora Lennard this week. Exciting though it is to see the blooming of young love, we just hope they don’t get any pets together.
Pandora was best known on the fashion scene for her pet chihuahua, which would accompany her everywhere in her handbag. Fashion shoots, parties, nightclubs, the lot.
A few months later people noticed they hadn’t seen the chihuahua in ages. Nothing. Not even so much as a photo on Facebook.
What had happened? Passive smoking is no better for dogs, apparently.
Too late for the last issue – RIP our favourite Turkish businessman: Mustafa Koc. From Koc Holding.
>> Cowell movements <<
The trouble with injunctions
These Lennard girls have form. Pandora’s older sister, Jasmine, famously dated Simon Cowell.
Cowell, the old romantic, has since taken an injunction out against her. What’s that injunction about? We don’t know. And even if we did, we couldn’t tell you.
What we do know, however, is that their relationship was always a fruitful source of gossip among a number of Jasmine’s friends.
Two words for you…
“Una Stubbs”.
Dining together at the Ivy: Sir Philip Green and Jason Statham.
>> Big Questions <<
Who’s asking what this week?
Which in-demand model has upped her price for a night with her to $100k, since she moved on from sports stars to Hollywood A-listers?
Was that really Dermot O’Leary taking a slash in somebody’s garden outside the Brixton Academy after the Macabees’ gig last week? Or just a very desperate lookalike?
The campaign spokesman charged with attracting Iowa voters to Donald Trump is called… Hope Hicks.
>> James Bondage <<
Nicknames of the stars
A number of years ago, a young drama student in need of a bit of cash took a job at porn-supremo David Sullivan’s warehouse – helping pack and ship a bunch of dildos and other sexual accoutrements.
For reasons that are now lost to the mists of time, the new kid earned himself a nickname from the old hands there. They called him “Chicken Fucker”.
And they still do whenever they see him out and about.
Even though he is much better known now to most people as Idris Elba.
A not-so-gruesome twosome? Idris Elba and Kate Beckinsale.
>> In for a song <<
The Euro vote that matter
Full marks to the BBC for the public selection show for the UK Eurovision entry. There’s still a month to go but the rumour mill of who is involved has already started up.
Eurovision entry tips have generally been unreliable over the years (so we’d take this with a pinch of salt) but the rumoured shortlist currently going round is:
* Northernettes (Ex The Voice)
* Nicky McDonald (Ex X Factor)
* Jess Wright (TOWIE)
* Vicky Jackson (YouTube)
* Liss Jones (Ex The Voice)
Plus one song still looking for a singer (Not bad, a slight hint of early Radiohead, unlikely to win.)
RuPaul always sleeps with a stuffed donkey called Jeremy.
>> Paint it black <<
Adebayor’s grand designs
Crystal Palace fans might be cheering the arrival of Emmanuel Adebayor but the high-end estate agents around the UK are cracking open the champagne at the news the striker won’t be needing to move home just yet.
While at Manchester City Adebayor rented a beautiful, modernist mansion. When he left the club and moved out the letting agent discovered that the footballer had made some ‘unusual’ renovations.
He’d had the rooms inside all painted black.
An ad exec tells us a surprising amount of traffic from Mumsnet goes straight to… dogging.co.uk
>> What will be left? <<
Guardian cuts – with an ‘n’
Anon writes:
“With spiralling losses compounded by failing vanity projects like the Guardian Space venue, an ironically Tory period of austerity may be necessary at my paper.
“One group who won’t feel the pain is what we call the C-Suite. CEO CFO, CDO, CRO… We seem to have more C-unts than Ramsay’s kitchen.
“And as if it’s not bad enough saying we’ve taken on 479 too many staff, our editor chose this week to announce two newly-created roles, reporting directly to her.
“Tactful, hey?”
Oct: Oprah Winfrey buys a 10% stake in Weight Watchers. Jan: Oprah tweets a video on her weight loss. Share price jumps 20%.
>> China crisis <<
Cheese averse behaviour
Ken Livingstone was interviewed in the Sunday Times last week and, as ever, he got right to the heart of the big issues.
“I used to really enjoy cheese but I don’t buy it. Everything goes into my compost bin, all food waste. A year later I get this lovely brown crumbly stuff that I can dig into the soil. But the block of cheese will be sitting there unchanged.
“The Chinese are very averse to cheese. They think: why are you eating rotten milk?”
Popbitch’s favourite Obama adviser and internet impresario… Kenyatta Cheese!
>> Pet Sounds <<
Mariah’s mutt monikers
Over the years, Mariah Carey has gone from fresh-faced young warbler to bonkers billionaire. That journey (and her grasp on reality) is neatly summed up through her choices in pet names.
Back in her Sony/Tommy Mottola heyday, Mariah had plenty of pets, all with simple names. There was Jack, Ginger and Bruno the dogs, plus Clarence the cat.
Now, Mariah has eight dogs: Cha Cha, Jackie Lambchops, JJ, Jill E Beans, Squeak E Beans, The Good Reverend Pow Jackson, Pipitty L Jackson, Mutley P Gore and Jackson The Third.
Aussie hacks have come up with a new Brangelina-style portmanteau to celebrate Mariah’s engagement to Jamie Packer. They are “Pariah”.
>> Modern life is rubbish <<
Press release of the day
“It was the venue for one of The Rolling Stones’ performances and hosted gigs for bands and artists ranging from Fleetwood Mac to Jimi Hendrix and David Bowie. Now the former site of the iconic Marquee Club has returned in its newest incarnation as 100 WARDOUR ST and has reopened today.”
So which exciting rock bands can we look forward to?
“BBC Radio 1 presenter, Nick Grimshaw will be one of the first major acts to perform in the 100 Wardour Club…”
We’re told Chris Eubank was on the Heathrow Express “smelling rather lovely, even from 20 feet away”.
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Celebrity Big Brother ends Friday. Tiffany & Scotty are favourites but our spy favours Daniella or Darren for top two (e/w) Fancy a flutter with Coral: http://cora1.co.uk/1PD2URI
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>> Hmmms <<
Cubs, Coogan, Squirrel
Japanese perverts have a new way to stay dry:
http://bit.ly/1nR3Ons
Steve Coogan’s autobiography, The Filth and The Philomena:
http://bit.ly/23vDCPJ
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Thanks to: TM, AM, sofistar, EM, SG, JP, MG, V, C, O, CB, HN, PR, bobbifleckmann,
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Old Jokes Home:
There’s a new band in heaven. Lemmy on bass, Glenn Frey on guitar, Bowie on vocals…
And on Keays, Cecil Parkinson!
Still Bored?
A collection of our long (and short) reads from January:
http://bit.ly/1nbGss4
