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“My pee tasted like you’d imagine it to taste: like pee” – Neil Morrissey
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|_| |_|03.03.16 ISSUE 775
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* Presidential primary porn
* Two fingers to Putin
* Charts: Lukas Graham v Rihanna
>> Club UKIP <<
All gone Pete Ting Tong
August 2014:
UKIP MEP Janice Atkinson is caught describing one of her Thai constituents as a “ting tong from somewhere”. Huge uproar ensues. Nigel Farage makes a televised visit to their house to offer his “mega, mega apologies”. Ms Atkinson also retracts her comments saying “I deeply regret the words I used and am incredibly sorry.”
March 2016:
Fingers firmly on the pulse, The Ministry of Sound launch a new immersive club concept: The Ting Tong Club…
TV chef James Martin calls his female fans… Martinis.
>> Car tool <<
No parental guidance
We’ve given you plenty over the years, but if you needed another reason to turn down an invitation to dinner with James Corden, here you go:
James once appeared as a guest on the Gordon Ramsay show, The F Word, with his mum and dad. The recording overran and producers were worried about getting his parents a cab back to the train station in time.
James didn’t seem to share their concern as when their cab turned up he nicked it, saying he had to go to a party in Soho, almost causing his parents to miss their last train home.
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>> Big Questions <<
Who’s asking what this week?
Which Brit fashion designer lived up to every expectation at London Fashion Week with her monstrous behaviour? Not content with making her unpaid interns work from 10am to 1am, she chose to publicly tear strips off one impertinent helper who attempted to eat a cookie in that 13 hour shift. Apparently the snack wasted “valuable sewing time”.
Louie Spence is currently filming a ‘celebrity taxi programme’ with Paul Danan and DJ Pied Piper.
>> Primary urges <<
Things are heating up
With both Trump and Clinton cleaning up on Super Tuesday, these are the first presidential primaries in history in which both of the favourites have had porn parodies shot in their honour.
‘Hillary’ has starred in no fewer than three movies, while ‘Donald’ has appeared in both XXX-rated Celebrity Apprentice send-ups, as well as newer, politically-focused porn too.
So if Ted Cruz really wants to secure the nomination, he knows what he has to do…
BBC News gruesome twosome, Sophie Long and Kamal Ahmad: He was well known in Observer days for chatting up the interns.
>> Affair hearing <<
From the Popbitch inbox
Strangest email of the week came from former Sex Pistol Glen Matlock. Without any explanation, we were forwarded an email from a woman (a socialite of some renown) who is begging him to tell her which journalist is planning to break the story of their affair. She wants to do a bit of damage control as she is still married.
As soon as we figure it out Chessy, we’ll be sure to let you know…
Liverpool fans sad at their club’s cup final loss at the weekend have some good news – they’ve got a new official coconut water partner!
>> Rattle and ho-hum <<
More of the same for Simon
It’s getting quite sad to watch Simon Cowell’s TV death rattle. If he needs to generate a bit of interest in his tired old formats, he might want to try a new trick.
27TH FEBRUARY:
The Sun reports that Cheryl Fernandez-Tweedy-Cole (X Factor judge) and Liam Payne (X Factor contestant) have been in a secret three month relationship. A couple we later learn were set up by… Simon Cowell.
29TH FEBRUARY:
The Sun runs a breathless puff-piece about how the X Factor is still hugely relevant as it’s clearly still grabbing headlines.
It also happens to mention Cowell is in the middle of negotiations with ITV. How lucky that he’ll have some press clippings to take with him to his meetings!
Dominic Mohan is the latest person to have made a post-Leveson return to News UK. He’s consulting at the Sun a couple of days a week.
>> Souper man <<
A thick, tasty ambassador
Joey Essex did a column for Closer magazine this week. For the mag’s regular ‘I Love /I Loathe’ feature, Joey told readers how much he loves Batchelors new thick and tasty soups: “They are so yummy and great for the cold weather.”
Sadly, his limited word count didn’t afford him the space to mention his new job… as the face of Batchelors Cup A Soup.
Just last week Ronan was hinting at a Boyzone/Westlife supergroup. Now McFadden and Duffy have gone and set up BoyzLife. Without Ronan.
>> Euro-trashing <<
Slovenia’s Putin it in now
We know not everyone is so interested in the national selection shows for Eurovision but don’t let this pass you by.
Slovenia had their national selection show last weekend, and the interval entertainment was this extremely ballsy two-fingered salute to Putin.
Whatever you think of it, it certainly dicks all over Katrina and the Waves…
Tom Baker had an operation this week. We wish him a very speedy recovery so he can continue to put it in for years to come.
>> Golf bores <<
Chris will putt it in now
powermaster writes:
“I went to school with Chris Grayling at the Royal Grammar High Wycombe. We were good mates. Oddly enough we were the first students at the school allowed not to join the Combined Cadet Force. We went to the Headmaster, presented our argument, and were allowed to spend Wednesday afternoons playing golf at Beaconsfield Golf Club. When he says he is pro-military, that is only after golf.”
Very much enjoying that one half of the UK Eurovision duo Joe and Jake has the surname “Shakeshaft”.
>> Stars: Unplugged <<
More celebrity luddites
* CHRIS EVANS
If you ever want to get a proposal or pitch to Chris Evans, you go through his assistant – who prints everything out and leaves it on Chris’s living room table to read through.
* JONATHAN RICHMAN
Much like Chuck from Better Call Saul, Jonathan Richman won’t stay in the same room as a laptop, a desktop PC or a cellphone.
* JOHN COOPER CLARKE
Possibly the only man in the country to actually use hotel telephones, JCC doesn’t have a mobile – and will either use payphones or hotel phones when he’s on the road.
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25GBP tickets for hilariously filthy comedy Hand To God at the Vaudeville Theatre. Harry Potter’s Dudley Dursley stars in this Broadway transfer about a puppet possessed by the devil. Use promo code POPBITCH: http://bit.ly/1LBgvNY
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>> Hmmms <<
Malick, Smith, micropenis
Horny man, 12 cans of lager and one sexy dog:
http://bit.ly/1oROFCG
Little Atoms is the first podcast to bring out a print magazine. Art by Jonathan Meades, Suzanne Moore on Kate Bush’s Cloudbusting, nuclear armageddon and more: Popbitch readers get 30% off:
http://bit.ly/1L6p1EL
Johnny Depp and Tom Hardy are this year’s big BARFTA winners. Tim Roth seemed particularly proud of his nomination on the Jonathan Ross show too:
http://dailym.ai/219AncS
Being in a Terrence Malick film sounds every bit as weird as you’d think:
http://bit.ly/1UBrhpk
Want a nude portrait of Donald Trump, complete with Max Clifford style micropenis?
http://ebay.to/1Rseroe
An old Big Question, possibly relevant to recent events:
http://bit.ly/1UBpPDm
How Steph Curry has broken basketball video games:
http://onforb.es/1oRN1Rt
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Thanks to: MH, poshduckhunter, VB, dom_kaos, SD, TS, JS, JW, SG, JP, soapy_handerton, faye_korgasm, CA, pr_simon, GW MF, SW, NB, MH, MDS
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Old Jokes Home:
Q/ Who built a wall on the border of Camberwick Green?
A/ Donald Trumpton
Still Bored?
Need a weekend read? Issue 22 of Popbitch Magazine is filled with a load more exclusive stories:
http://bit.ly/1TGTH1G
