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EUROVISION: Sign up with Coral and get 10-1 on Russia (you can win up to 50 quid in free bets.) Or check out the latest odds here: http://cora1.co.uk/23MT07y
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“My first engagement ring I gave to my mum to put on her little finger, but she fell on hard times and sold it for 500 pounds” – Kerry Katona
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|_| |_|12.05.16 ISSUE 785
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* One last pop for Prince!
* Your free Eurovision companion!
* Charts: Drake v Calvin for no 1
>> Cliffhanger <<
Bust up in reception
In the mid-90s, staff at a major London record label were told by their bosses to assemble in reception one lunchtime – with absolutely NO exceptions.
Speculation began to swirl about what the big news would be. Lay-offs? A buy-out? Something worse? It didn’t help matters that they were all left waiting for 40 minutes of their lunch hour, all crammed in reception with no indication of what was going on.
So everyone was very relieved to find out that they’d simply been called to act as a welcome committee to… Cliff Richard.
Cliff looked very surprised but said a few words to the assembled crowd (“Wow! Thanks so much guys… I feel truly honoured” etc) before he unveiled a big bronze bust of himself.
All very odd. Even odder when staff later found out that Cliff had commissioned and paid for the statue himself.
Mark Smith, aka Rhino in American Gladiators, is now the voice of… Officer McHorn – a rhino – in the film Zootopia.
>> Colour him badd <<
Rapper needs the right beard
Ghostface Killah delayed the start of his gig in Brighton last night.
Why the hold-up? Was he tied up with groupies? Finishing off a monstrous rider of booze? Waiting for his dealer?
Nope. He was waiting for his tour manager to find him the right colour beard dye.
Keith Richards favourite food is shepherd’s pie.
>> Big Euro Question <<
Who’s asking what this week?
One country’s delegates have been shamelessly trying to cut Eurovision deals in the green room at Stockholm. The UK were sounded out, but did the honourable thing and turned it down. The question is: will we still see our usual friendly points from them this year? Or will we be frozen out?
Lined up to play Cilla Black in the upcoming Dionne Warwick biopic? Surprise, surprise! It’s Lady Gaga.
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EUROVISION SECTION
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>> Stockholm syndrome <<
Eurovision update 2016
From the look of the semis, it seems like Sweden’s going to put on a pretty good show, so what should you look out for?
* Justin Timberlake is the interval entertainment (his way of thanking the Swedes who write and produce all of his songs, no doubt)
* Sweden in line to be the first country since the 90s to win back-to-back. Can the low-key Bieber-lite Frans beat Russia’s dialled-up-to-11 bombast and Australia’s Sia-esque ballad?
* Ukraine’s politically charged trip hop, in which Jamala almost definitely calls Stalin and his soldiers ‘arseholes’. Twice.
* Armenia and Azerbaijan on the brink of war thanks to Armenia flaunting the flag from the disputed Nagorno-Karabakh region at a press conference.
* Georgia and Cyprus are flying the flag for 00s nu-indie.
We’ve updated our free 60-page companion guide to the Eurovision, final, so be sure to either update it or download it now. It contains everything you need to enjoy each song – for all smartphones and tablets:
Sweden’s Frans is half British, partly grew up in London, speaks with a South London accent and is a massive Crystal Palace fan.
>> Popbets <<
Flutter madness
If you’re looking to make the Eurovision final a little more interesting with a bet or two here are some of the smarter markets to look at.
1. Russia is odds-on, but new sign ups to Coral get 10-1 odds. Bet 5GBP and if it wins, you get 50 quid in free bets. If it loses you get your fiver back as another free bet:
http://cora1.co.uk/23MT07y
2. Winner? Russia’s favourite but word from Stockholm is that Australia ruled the hall last night. (If Australia
win, seems they’ll host 2017 in Germany with an Aussie production crew).
3. You can back someone to get the dreaded nul points at 6-1. (Germany are looking like they might come good on this…)
4. Top scoring “Big 5” entry: Spain at 14-1 is risky, but not to be discounted.
5. Poland top 10? It’s an awful poodle-haired ballad rip-off of I Will Survive but think of the diaspora voting (5-1)
6. Choose Ukraine or Sweden each-way and get 1/4 of the odds if they finish top three.
Seems the EBU forgot to option the US rights for Justin Timberlake’s performance on Saturday – so now America won’t get to see him…
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EUROVISION SECTION ENDS
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>> By George <<
How to fox the media
You’d have thought by now the media would have learned not to just lift things off Twitter, but this week the papers have been duped by a Wigan fan who started making up footballing quotes for a parody account.
The Sun used a risible Jack Colback one while The Telegraph used a fake Roberto Martinez when he lost the Everton job.
The parody account couldn’t really have made it clearer it was a scam, as it was named @WeahsCousin – a nod to English football’s most famous fake player, Ali Dia.
Back in 1996, Dia pretended to be the cousin of George Weah (at the time, the World Player of the Year) in order to convince Southampton to sign him. He came on as a substitute in a league match and lasted an impressive 33 minutes on the pitch before they realised he wasn’t who he claimed to be…
According to China’s Global Times newspaper this week, the problem with the West is “their media is full of reckless ‘gossip fiends'”.
>> Paper cuts <<
Disciplining the BBC
The new BBC white paper shows how Culture Secretary John Whittingdale plans to whip the BBC into shape.
We can’t help but wonder how many of Master John’s plans were formed in his many years as a Council Member of the Freedom Association. You know, the libertarian group whose big policy aim is to abolish the BBC license fee.
Other fun Freedom Association campaigns include: stopping BBC from broadcasting the Nelson Mandela 70th birthday concert, supporting the right of cricketers to tour apartheid-era South Africa, organising the annual Margaret Thatcher weekend at the Best Western, Grantham…
Robert Downey Jnr has two cats two goats and four alpacas as pets.
>> Remembering Prince <<
A final visit down under
Seems like Prince was still at it, right until the very end. At a recent gig of his in Melbourne, Prince’s security approached two 40-something ladies to ask if they’d like to attend the after-party.
Once there, the security guy asked one of them for her phone number. The lucky lady in question had an early hours visit that night from the purple one himself – direct to her suburban home.
Craig Charles spotted in Hawksmoor Spitalfields this week telling staff “If you had a loyalty scheme, I’d be your top scorer”.
>> Evans above <<
Judge of Character
Ex-colleagues of Chris Evans can’t line up quick enough to stick the boot in to him and his alleged workplace behaviour.
And as much as Evans and his PRs try to spin it differently, there’s at least one good source for some of these allegations.
Remember back in 2003 when Evans lost a court case with his old company Virgin Radio? Here are a few of the things the judge said about Evans:
“Temperament of a prima donna”
“Manipulative”
“Insecure”
“Knows how to play the media and obtain a good splash”
“Resorts to any means, fair or foul, to achieve his ends”
“Petulant and given to sulking”
“Not ready to make concessions”
“Cannot tolerate either criticism or the exercise by management of authority over what he does”
“An unimpressive witness”
Chris Evans and Jeremy Clarkson’s new show, The Grand Tour, are both represented by Matthew Freud’s PR company. Should be interesting.
>> Hollywouldn’t <<
British comedy gold
Absolutely Fabulous, the film, might be a little misnamed. Rumours suggest it’s such a clusterfuck of unfunny gags that the director has been barred from the edit suite while the rest of the team try to rescue something half-watchable.
But it’s not all bad news from the world of British comedy films. Word reaches us that the Al Murray, The Pub Landlord movie has just started filming.
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Media Masters’ podcast: Columnist Andrew Pierce spills the beans about life at the Mail, LBC and Sky News. Listen: http://ow.ly/E6EL3006imC
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>> Hmmms <<
Otters, sloths, doggers
Brilliant music thing – every Top 5 song, from 1958 to 2016:
http://polygraph.cool/history/
More sensible Eurovision tips than ours, from the ever reliable Sofabets:
http://sofabet.com
The best detail about that outdoor Doncaster sex story? The glam location, “behind the Batley’s Cash and Carry depot…”:
http://bit.ly/1s5uYZB
Winning keys at the Eurovision – and why key changes are such a bad idea:
http://bit.ly/1WuUbcK
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Thanks to: pientello, deep_stoat, SG, AM, PD, GD-P, LMES, mount_st_nobody, drunken_boht, CC, AM, CM, GDP, weeble, NB, SB
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Old Jokes Home
Q/ How do you cut up the Roman Empire?
A/ With a pair of Caesars
Still Bored?
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