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“Dick in hand, I do consider it among my body parts vulnerable to the knives of irrational narco types” – Sean Penn
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|_| |_|14.01.16 ISSUE 768
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* Clarkson the clairvoyant
* Rupert Murdoch’s fit bit
* Charts: Yawn. Bieber is no 1
>> Morgan’s organ <<
Some flashy photography
Remember we told you before Christmas about how claims of Piers Morgan’s marital indiscretions were pulled from the front pages of The Sun? Well, spare a thought for the poor team of reporters who unearthed the story.
For what was the smoking gun that the lady in question gave them to support her story? Dick pics. Cameraphone photos of what she claimed was Morgan’s actual dick.
Abusive working conditions? Let’s see junior doctors try and beat that one.
Mark Rylance lives on Shakespeare Rd.
>> Howerd’s End <<
RIP Alan Rickman
Alan Rickman will be fondly remembered for a number of excellent roles, but he was cruelly robbed of one that we will never forgive BBC4 for.
Rickman was the original choice to play Frankie Howerd in the BBC4 drama, Rather You Than Me. However, he was dropped when BBC execs instead decided to give the part to rising star…
Highest charting Bowie catalogue expected to be Rise And Fall Of Ziggy Stardust And The Spiders From Mars (album) and Heroes (single).
>> Big Questions <<
Who’s asking what this week?
Gossips are blaming which celeb split on the fact that one of the pair was spending most of their free time with a drama coach working on their, ahem… “acting technique”?
THANK YOU: to everyone who donated money to us in the last month! We’ll be sending out your special issue at the end of January. You can still help (and get a copy of Popbitch: The First 15 Years):
>> Boney M <<
Rupert’s got a fit bit
If you’ve still got the stomach for any more stories about Rupert Murdoch’s love life, we promise this one isn’t too bad.
Wanting to check that her dear old dad was keeping fit, one of Murdoch’s daughters bought him one of those wristbands that tracks your activity. She also started wearing one so that the pair of them could check each other’s activity for the day – to keep each other motivated.
She decided to turn off the sharing function when Rupes got himself a new girlfriend though, as she noticed that some time around 9pm each night his ‘activity’ would shoot right up…
FYI: Michael Wolff on Murdoch’s love life:
First Chim-spot of the year? Cheryl, Kimberley and baby (and big, big bodyguard) in Barnet this week.
>> Kiss’n’don’t tell <<
Hold the back pages
Physio Eva Carneiro’s legal battle with Chelsea FC has been scheduled for June – news that has delighted some tabloid hacks.
Her ex-boyfriend ratted to the Sun on Sunday that Eva had a fling with a player at the club, and the hacks think they’ve figured out who it could be. The guy they’ve got fingered was playing in the Chelsea reserves back when Carneiro joined the club, but has since left to ply his trade in the lower divisions.
Unsurprisingly, he seems reluctant to talk, but with five months to go until the story becomes really juicy, the hacks reckon they have enough time to wear the poor bloke down.
Anyone hoping for a good seeing-to from Leo DiCaprio: his agent makes everyone he humps sign a stringent non-disclosure contract first. Sexy!
>> Lebensgraun <<
Knowing reich from wrong
Late last November, it was reported that the Guardian pulped 300,000 copies of its weekend supplement, The Guide, because they used a load of Nazi imagery on its front cover.
While that was true, it wasn’t the whole story. Something else that played a major role in the decision to obliterate every copy of the supplement was the headline of the mag’s main feature – about Amazon’s adaptation of The Man In The High Castle.
The headline in question? “The Reich Stuff”. Written in a gothic, SS-style font.
In Italy, instead of “Having your cake and eating it too” the proverb translates as “Having your wife drunk but the barrel still full.”
>> Gear changes <<
Finding the right formula
Everyone seems to have got it in for the new Top Gear. The papers just can’t stop slagging it off. Even the news that David Coulthard would front Channel 4’s Formula 1 coverage was presented like it was a huge snub to Chris Evans and the BBC. But seeing as it was David Coulthard’s own production company who won the tender to produce C4’s F1 show it seemed only sensible that he’d front it.
We have a little more faith in the whole thing. Whatever the BBC stands to lose in global syndication if the new Top Gear turns out to be utter shit, they’ll more then make up for in sales of blooper DVDs.
We’re told the first rushes of the new show don’t look good, with Chris Evans consistently misnaming and mispronouncing makes of car.
We can’t wait…
Production of the new Clarkson/May/Hammond Amazon show isn’t perfect either. Apparently James May has dislocated his shoulder filming.
>> Crystal balls-up <<
Clarkson the clairvoyant
Is Jeremy Clarkson psychic? His book The World According To Clarkson (2004) includes such clairvoyant chapters as:
“What Does It Take to Get A Decent Meal Round Here?”
“How Big A Mistake Are YOU Going to Make?”
“Without A PR Protector I’m Just Another Fat Git”
and “Why Have an Argument? Let’s Say It with Fists”
Another chapter in that Clarkson book? “Mandela Just Doesn’t Deserve His Pedestal”.
>> Tight at the top <<
The stories in the news about Tory MP Oliver Letwin over the holiday season made it look as if he was particularly indifferent to the plight of certain parts of British society. One reader wanted us to know that’s not quite true.
At a CBI gala dinner a few years ago, guests were invited to pop a donation and a business card into a hat to be entered into a raffle to win a prize.
Letwin was there as a CBI guest. He duly popped his business card into the hat as it came round, but no donation.
The cause he blanked? Cancer research. They’d chosen it in memory of a young CBI employee who had recently died from the disease. In case that wasn’t reason enough for Letwin to get his wallet out, he was also the son of a Tory MP.
So at least we can report that Letwin is scrupulously fair in how he applies his lack of compassion.
Geoff the Otter absconded from a Jersey wildlife sanctuary. He lasted five weeks. He seems to have got caught when he realised there were no wild otters there for him to shag.
>> RIP Lemmy <<
A late memorial
“I met Lemmy about 15 years ago while working as a lapdancer. He came in alone and none of the other girls knew who he was and didn’t want to speak to him.
“I had a lovely long chat with him about his white, custom-made cowboy boots.
“Eventually I plucked up the courage to ask if he’d like a lapdance. His answer? ‘I’m really sorry but I prefer a dusky skinned sister’.”
RIP Lemmy. He did a Q&A with PB messageboard many moons ago. The thing you really wanted to know?
Q/ Tits or face?
>> Hmmms <<
Squirrel, tortoise, Cameron
Fancy having your own smash hit single? We broke down a bunch of superproducer Max Martin’s hits to see if we could figure out his formula:
A David Cameron lookalike is set to join Fresh Meat:
An interesting compare-and-contrast on the four main Republican candidates:
Why do Radiohead start a new company for every album?
Westlife’s Nicky Byrne is going to represent Ireland at Eurovision. Not sure this sounds like a winner:
Thanks to: MT, AM, FastEddie71, jonath, NZ, danceswithmustelids, SG, posh_duckhunter, DM, CM, DH, basking_trout, trellis, buzzinfly, dollymixture, monstris, R, PK, AB, thebestnameshavegone
Old Jokes Home:
Q/ What’s the difference between a nun entering a convent and a nun coming out of the bath?
A/ One has hope in her soul.
RIP Bowie. Here’s Bananarama covering Changes: