RIPbitch 2019

“If another cunt calls me ‘The Firestarter’ I’ll stab him in the fucking throat” – Keith Flint (RIP)

As has become tradition, we’re going to see out the year by taking a moment to remember those we have lost this year. To pay tribute. Offer our respects. Cherish a few of the precious memories they have left us.

Or, failing that, make the very most of our libel laws by repeating some fun industry stories that we’ve heard over the years with minimal chance of getting sued…

See you in 2020!

During the filming of Star Wars Episode III: Revenge Of The Sith, crew members on set kept walking into the soundstage loos to find that someone had been laying huge, coiled turds on top of the closed toilet lids.

This mystery dumper kept no regular schedule and made their mark in both the gents and the ladies. Urgent memos went up on noticeboards around the set, appealing to the crapper’s sense of dignity to stop, but to no avail. The turds continued.

Execs were certain it was an inside job and the culprit they suspected most? A cast member. Practically the only one who returned to join the cast for the third film, and the third film alone.

Peter Mayhew, a.k.a. Chewbacca.

Which recently deceased media man was fastidious about his trouser presentation? Even in moments of frenzied passion, he would always make sure to carefully remove his trousers, fold them neatly and then place them properly on his trouser press before getting down to business.

Which TV host, who also died this year, could only be relied upon to turn up to a shoot away from home if he was promised a trip to the very best brothel in town after work?

The fashion world lost a titan early in the year as Karl Lagerfeld took his final nap.

Lagerfeld was notorious for snoozing in the middle of meetings. A hairdresser who was once called into Chanel to work on one of Karl’s shows remembers that they were midway through explaining their grand vision for the catwalk’s styling, when it became clear that Karl had quietly dozed off.

The hairdresser wasn’t sure whether they should continue for the benefit of everyone else or not, but the instruction came: “We wait.”

So everyone sat in silence for 40 minutes waiting for Karl to emerge from his slumber, whereupon he picked things back up exactly where they left off.

With all the kindly tributes that poured in for Rutger Hauer in July, it was clear that he made a lasting impression on all of the people he worked with.

Crew who worked with Rutger on the Métal Hurlant Chronicles series back in 2011/12 remembered that his phone was constantly abuzz with text messages. In particular there was one person who incessantly badgered him, extremely keen to nail down details so that they could arrange a boating holiday together.

Harrison Ford.

It was fitting that so many of the tributes to John McCririck were illustrated with pictures of him smoking a huge cigar and wearing ridiculous hats, as one of McCririck’s signature moves whenever he met a young lady that stirred his passions was to tickle the skin of her palm with one finger as he shook her hand.

Someone else who used to pull a very similar trick?

Jimmy Savile.

For many years, Peter Sissons was a voice of solemn authority, having read the news on ITV, Channel 4 and the BBC over the course of his career. However, the well-respected newsman had a mischievous side too.

Sissons had a secret on-air code whenever he was feeling frisky. If you ever saw him adjust the knot of his tie as the credits rolled after his bulletin, that was a secret sign to a very special viewer watching at home that she should prepare to get shagged.

Despite his many years of high profile work for some of the biggest names of the modern era, PR supremo Tim Bell’s obituary in the Times featured a pretty heavy focus on his 1977 criminal conviction for wanking at passing pedestrians.

Why would a high-minded paper like the Times include such tawdry and prurient details in their send-off to an industry behemoth?

Maybe because Bell’s PR company, Bell Pottinger, represented Rebekah Brooks during the phone hacking era – and were the ones who let it slip that Rebekah kept bursting into tears in her cross-examination practice whenever anybody said anything uncomplimentary about Rupert Murdoch.

Now Magazine printed its final edition in 2019. It may not have been able to cut through in the modern celebrity market, but it did have an impressively international reach.

One of the skippers who ran cruises around the Whitsunday Islands in Australia used to like telling any British tourists who boarded his ship about the time he once shagged an English girl who’d been over filming I’m A Celebrity, Get Me Out Of Here.

Sadly, he couldn’t remember her name (he could only remember that that she was “very down to earth” and that her favourite position was doggy). We might never have known who this mystery woman was had it not been for one passenger who brought a copy of Now Magazine on board with them. For as they were leafing through a story about Danniella Westbrook, the skipper recognised her picture and pointed her out to everyone as the one he’d been talking about.

Popbitch wasn’t the first to start peeking at celebrity penises. All we’ve been doing is carrying a flame that was passed down to us from our forebears, including the recently deceased Frank Giles – former editor of the Sunday Times and one of the UK’s trailblazing cockwatchers.

Among the celebrity schlongs he managed to spot in his career, Giles can count some of the greats. He got a glimpse of the Duke Of Windsor, Edward VIII, in the shower and noticed that he sported a full Hollywood (“[hairless] even in places where one would most expect it to be”).

And he once got chatting to Ernest Bevin at the urinal, who famously turned to him, mid-flow, to say: “This is it, Giles! The socialist dream! The means of production, in the hands of the people.”

Clive James and Jonathan Miller RIPx2
[We got it right this time]

RIP Carol Spinney, whose performance as Big Bird on Sesame Street was put to its best use in this recut version of Beastie Boys’ Sabotage
[See on YouTube]

Still Bored?
The Popbitch Popquiz is back at Smiths Of Smithfield in January, with our host Tom Webb. Come and join us for an evening of gossip, trivia and filthy arts and crafts challenges. Book your team in now…
[Tuesday 14th January]
[Tuesday 28th January]