Royal Bounty Hunting

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* Jade Jagger: celebrity concierge

* Cursed out by Dame Julie

* PLUS: Westwood’s clumsy 69

>> Readers’ lives <<

Plucked from the PB mailbag

August is always the month when the regular news goes a little bit Popbitch (this year: obsessing over alpacas, calling Prince Andrew a nonce) which leaves us free to take a short summer break.
So this week we thought we’d give the mailout over to readers’ stories of their run-ins with the stars. There’s no particular rhyme or reason to the selection; it’s just a collection of anecdotes from over the years that always make us smile.
If you have any celebrity stories you’ve yet to spill, email us: hello@popbitch.com.
Otherwise, we’ll be back in a couple of weeks…

Yes, it looks bad that Prince Andrew has reportedly approached Harvey Weinstein’s old lawyer for advice – but there’s more to Blair Berk than her Weinstein connection. She also helped Mel Gibson out with that infamous DUI outburst too.

>> Mayall delays <<

Wedding night re-runs

JB writes:

“When I got married in 2011, my other half and I thought it’d be funny to write to celebs for good wishes on our big day and have the best man read them out. Loads of people responded. Peter Andre even responded within two days of us posting. However, the best one came from someone who forgot to respond in time.
“In March 2012, we got a letter from Rik Mayall, who had written over the top of our original letter:
“‘OH SHIT! Alan, I just found this letter on my desk and realized I forgot the bloody wedding. Hope you had a great day, and please give Julie a TITANIC shag from me.'”

Americans are four times more likely than Brits to believe they could beat a gorilla, unarmed.

>> Bounty hunter <<

The Queen’s broken sweets

RM writes:

“I went to a school in Windsor Great Park that often had royal visits on very special occasions (100th anniversary of the school, that kind of thing). There was also a special day at Ascot racecourse where, just before Christmas, the Queen would stand in a sleigh and hand out chocolates for the children from a big sack.
“My sister got to the front and asked Her Majesty for a specific chocolate, but every time the Queen found one she’d exclaim that it was broken, put it back and look for another.
“This continued for ages while my sister stood, paralysed with nerves, too scared to explain to the Queen of England that a Bounty is actually two small bars in one wrapper.”

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>> Awakenings <<

Sleeping with the stars

JP writes:

“I was working on a film in the early 90s starring Robert de Niro. de Niro had it written into his contract that he was allowed to view all the rushes from the scenes he featured in and could give notes to the director on which takes he preferred of his own performance.
“I had to sit in one screening to take his notes. There was no entourage, just me and him in an empty theatre. I was sat there with my notepad scribbling down his thoughts on each take when, about 20 minutes into the 90 minutes of material we were viewing, I noticed he had gone quiet.
“I turned to the seat next to me and he had completely fallen asleep. I sat there wondering whether I should get the projectionist to stop or wake him up, but did neither. He dozed through a good 20-25 minutes of material until he finally woke himself up with a snort and immediately looked up at the screen and said ‘That was a good take. I like that one, make sure they use that one.'”

FD writes: “I was a guest on set of a 90s movie and was invited to lunch with some of the cast, including Rupert Everett. Mr Everett ate a full three course meal with just a dessert spoon. Couldn’t work out if he was in character or if it was just how he liked to eat. Lovely chap regardless.”

>> Pimp my passport <<

Westwood’s clumsy ’69

JM writes:

“I used to work at a music industry organisation. In order to join, musicians would have to supply a copy of a passport or driving license. Tim Westwood sent a copy of his passport where he had clearly (and tragically) doctored his birth year from 1957 to 1969 on the copy.”

deep_moat writes: “I was a student on work experience at The Spectator in 2005 when Boris Johnson was editor. On my first morning, he sent me out to get him a latte and added: ‘And get one for yourself.’ The coins he gave me neither covered the latte he ordered, nor a cuppa for myself.”

>> Ice Queen <<

Don’t deny her stardom

M writes:

“I was assisting the Marketing Director of the Young Vic when Helen Mirren was appearing in a bad farce called ‘Sex Please, We’re Italian’ many years ago.
“After a gruelling day of ferrying her around in a taxi to various press interviews for a play that had been universally panned, I thanked her for her patience. ‘Thank you, Helen,’ I said. ‘You’ve been a real trouper.’
“With a slow turn and the iciest stare designed to put me firmly in my place, she replied: ‘I’m not a trouper, dear. I’m a star.'”

P writes: “I once had a perfectly pleasant phone conversation with Dame Julie Walters, during which she suddenly screamed: ‘YOU’RE A CUNT!’ Turns out she was driving and got cut up. In her best Brum accent she then said, ‘Sorry about that! You won’t think I’m a lady anymore…'”

>> U remind me <<

A funny little singer

LP writes:

“A few years ago I lived in LA and managed to get into Soho House there on my old membership. Like any true Brit in the sun, I got pretty drunk and was having a lot of fun when a guy about four or five tables away heard my British accent, came over and asked if he could hang out with me and my friend.
“After a lot of joking around, story-telling and drinks, he said he had to get back to his friend but that we should all hang out again so I gave him my number. As he left I introduced myself and asked his name. He responded ‘Usher’. I said that must be really unfortunate as there is a funny little singer with the same name.
“As you can guess, it was Usher. I only realised when I saw him leave with Lady Gaga.”

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>> Model behaviour <<

Jade is a gem

maxharrisproject writes:

“I attended Kate Moss’s wedding party on the Saturday night. Around 7am Sunday morning, as I was trying to get my shit together for a flight that afternoon, I collared a maid and asked her to please sort me a cab, etc.
“This was done instantly and as I was led out to my car, I thanked her for being so prompt and efficient. As I got in, I asked her name so I could thank her properly. ‘It’s Jade’ she said.
“It was many hours later that I realised I’d been expertly dealt with by… Jade Jagger”

Nominative Determinism Of The Week: The director of marketing at booze brand Hope Family Wines is called… Whitney Hrdlicka!

>> Toilet / Paper <<

There’s no rushing Xander

KM writes:

“About 10 years ago I was invited to a party at Guy Chambers’ house in Belsize Park. I didn’t know anyone and planned to show my face, have a drink and leave.
“I popped to the loo before I left. It was unlocked and sitting there was Alexander Armstrong, trousers around ankles, reading a paper. He said ‘Sorry darling, just having a shit. Would you come back in 10 minutes?’
“So I did!”

Historic Nominative Determinism: The journalist who wrote about the Profumo affair for the New Yorker in 1963 was called… Mollie Panter-Downes!

>> Nick of time <<

On your marks, get set, smoke

Finally, it wouldn’t be a Popbitch compilation without at least one mention of Nick Cave – so here’s a summer sports day classic…
T writes:
“About 25 years ago, we were parents at a West London prep school where Nick Cave also sent his kids. Sports day came around and there was, naturally, a fathers’ race. Many fathers came prepared, turning up in their old spikes, etc.
“The dads lined up on the start line. Nick, dressed in an immaculate black suit and suede Gucci loafers, strolled down to join them, fag on. The starting gun went off, the lycra clad horde charged off while Nick took a final drag, dropped his butt, slowly ground it out and strolled to the finish. A glorious last place, to much yummy mummy swooning.”

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>> Hmmms <<

Slides, spades, space invaders

Welcome To The Jungle, but The Smiths

[Watch on YouTube]
More Nominative Determinism: A mesmeric baseball slide from… Trea Turner!

[Watch on Twitter]
Ace Of Spades, arranged for church bells

[Heavy Metal on heavy metal]
Interesting piece on the pop stars kept in limbo by major labels

[Read on Guardian]
Play Space Invaders with recently declassified UFOs

[Simple little browser game]
Post-Covid nudism is going to be a thing

[Read on Inside Hook]
Appeal Of The Week: The guitarist from Mark Sharp & The Bicycle Thieves has just, erm… had his bike stolen

[Read on Daily Record]

Thanks to: JB, RM, JP, MF, FD, JF, JM, deep_moat, ML, LP, P, maxharrisproject, KM, T, albert_o_balsam, poshduckhunter

Old Jokes Home

A German walks into a bar and asks for a martini.

“Dry?” the bartender asks.

“Nein,” says the German. “Just one.”
 
Still Bored?

There’s an interesting pro-otter candidate in the California gubernatorial race…

[Point XVII gets our vote]

Fancy Another?