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“It’s incredible to be working with Mr Armani… I feel an affinity to the brand ethos” – Calvin Harris, the new face of Emporio Armani
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|_| |_|18.12.14 ISSUE 719b
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* Xmas/End Of Year Special pt.2
* More madness from 2014
* X Factor/Uptown Funk 4 Xmas No 1
>> New direction? <<
Longpigs road to freedom
For anyone betting on which is the first One Directioner to go solo… well, we don’t know for sure who it will be. But we do know that Liam is doing some solo tracks produced by Crispin from the Longpigs.
Rumours linking Aaron Paul with Batman v Superman seem to be true.
>> Male on Sunday <<
A gay time out in Soho
Much excitement in the Mail on Sunday as breakfast TV star Susanna Reid was spotted out “getting cosy” with a mystery man – her first since her relationship break-up, the paper excitedly gushed.
Friends of the “mystery man” were equally excited to see the Mail suggest that he was cuddling up to the TV star. But, they agreed, it wasn’t a surprise that she chose him to show her around the best nightspots of Covent Garden and Soho as he is something of a regular in the area. The Village, The Yard, Rupert Street, Comptons… you name it.
OLD JOKES OF THE YEAR, NO. 5: I popped into Tesco today and nicked all the baguettes. It was a French stick-up.
>> Big Questions <<
Who is asking what at Xmas?
Which celebrity has caused a rift between Rihanna and Rita Ora? Both ladies are vying for the star’s attention.
And that celebrity? Might not even be a boy…
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Don’t miss the sensational La Soirée while it’s in town! Best available tickets 25GBP on select performances (26-27 Dec & 1-3 Jan). Use promo code POPBEST to book http://bit.ly/16th7Sy
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>> Down under threat <<
Same old, same old hoax
We were only reminiscing this summer about the old skool terrorist bomb hoaxes going around London: “FoF in post office… helped Arab-looking man find wallet… his tip was ‘stay out of London’…” etc.
It’s surfaced again in Sydney. Police are warning people not to fall for it. This is the version down under, including grammatical and spelling mistakes.
“My brother in law found a wallet on the ground about 1-2months ago. He told me that he called the number the could find inside the wallet and the person who came to collect looked like one of the isis members. When he collected his wallet he told him here is a tip don’t go to sydney in new years eve or maybe Christmas”.
OLD JOKES OF THE YEAR, NO. 4: I feared my wife had Tourette’s, so I took her to a psychiatrist. The good news? She’s not got it. The bad news? I am a cunt and she does want me to fuck off.
>> Popbits <<
Unlikely pop stars of 2014
1. Daniel Sturridge. Asked DJs like Duke Dumont to do a house track for the Sturridge Dance for the World Cup. He ended up with this abomination by JMC:
https://soundcloud.com/jmcvault
2. Lauren Harries. She made no secret of the fact she was considering Eurovision in 2015 but it seems she couldn’t wait to be a popstar.
http://youtu.be/gMu_Z4j-4xs
3. Lewis Hamilton. Now this is an album we can’t wait to hear. In 2012, NME reported Lewis has made a secret R&B album. In 2013 he was writing with singer, Angel, who said: “He’s got rap — ‘dirty south’ kind of tunes, some massive pop records and soul records.” In 2014 he was citing Prince, Jacko and Jay Z as his big influences. So where is it?
Maybe if we get Fleur East to sing one of the tracks off it, we can get it a speedy release?
OLD JOKES OF THE YEAR, NO. 3: I went out with a cardboard cut-out once. She dumped me though, because I stood her up.
>> Asp from elbow <<
Jolie going for a Burton?
One element of the Sony hacks that caused much amusement for film folk was the news of the collapse of Angelina Jolie’s Cleopatra vanity project – not least because the gradual morphing of Jolie into Elizabeth Taylor hasn’t gone unnoticed.
Jolie has just finished By The Sea, which she wrote and directed. It’s about a couple (Brangelina) who go on holiday to the Med in a last ditch attempt to save their marriage. Sound at all familiar? Well, Elizabeth Taylor and Richard Burton made a poorly received 1968 film (Boom) about a couple with problems, on a secluded island.
When she’s in the mood for it, Jolie can strike fear into the heart of any lackey just as well as Liz ever could. If she has to choose anything – whether it’s flowers for a dressing room or her lunch – she has to be presented with multiple varieties. She has been known to walk into a room and say “I hate them all”, dismissing hours of work in less than a pouty-lipped second.
OLD JOKES OF THE YEAR, NO. 2:
Q/ Why is Peter Pan always flying?
A/ Because he neverlands.
>> That was 2014 <<
Eight things we loved
1. The Guardian serves quinoa vodka at its drinks parties.
2. Ed Miliband donated a signed Rubik’s cube to the auction at his kids’ school summer fair.
3. Evan Davies has been seen out and about wearing double demin.
4. Dave Berry made a big thing of turning down Strictly, to the amazement of the show producers who said he’d never been asked.
5. There’s a secret celebrity smoking terrace at the Chiltern Firehouse, accessible through a hidden door behind the long mirror in the ladies toilet.
6. The “Banter Governor” Jimmy Bullard’s company manages sport parody Twitter accounts.
7. Bellend should never be spelled bell-end. The Sunday Sport said so.
8/ And just in under the wire for best celebrity spot of 2014: Lembit Öpik setting off the alarms twice while try to leave John Lewis on Oxford St.
OLD JOKES OF THE YEAR, NO. 1:
f(x)=2x+1 walks into a bar. The barman says “I’m sorry, we don’t cater for functions.”
>> Hot Carol Action! <<
Glad tidings we bring
Issue 13 of Popbitch Magazine, our final issue of the year – and a Christmas special – is out now. It includes:
* THE SCIENCE OF XMAS NO.1s!
We get dweeby about statistics and music theory
* HOT CAROL ACTION!
Carol Vorderman appears to have a sexy Swedish sideline
* SEASONAL SPOOKINESS!
A Christmas ghost story from Private Eye journalist, Adam Macqueen
PLUS: Bleak Christmas mags, the maddest movies of the year, a great story about Michael Portillo at the opera AND MORE
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We have a special festive offer on subscriptions to Popbitch Magazine at the moment. Buy an annual sub for you, or a friend, and we’ll give three of your friends a FREE three-month gift subscription. PLUS You’ll get a free copy of Popbitch: At Length for yourself.
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>> Haenow, Haenow… <<
…don’t dream it’s over
Poor old Ben X Factor. Voting stats reveal he was the most popular contestant for weeks but he didn’t even make the front of the papers next day, thanks to the Mel B drama. His single is struggling to beat Mark Ronson/Bruno Mars for Xmas number one, and now it seems his mentor, Simon Cowell, couldn’t quite be bothered to stay to see the single through and is already on his Christmas holidays in Barbados. You used to at least get a couple of weeks of good times from X Factor…
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Last-minute gifts for coffee lovers. Print-at-home gift certificates for Pact’s gift subscriptions. FIVE pounds cashback on ‘crafty’, ‘scientific’, ‘social’, and ‘iconic’ bundles. Buy before 25 Dec & email ahoy@pactcoffee.com with subject line ‘popbitch offer’ to claim: http://bit.ly/1Ac4uWM
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>> Hmmms <<
Kilroy was here
Buy Christmas dinner for someone homeless. It will only take five pounds and less than five minutes of your time:
http://bit.ly/1AjpHMm
Video Of The Year: All the intros from Kilroy
http://bit.ly/1uITywx
The only Xmas music mix you’ll need, featuring Yingle Bells, Backdoor Santa and Trim Your Tree (“I’ll sprinkle my snow up on your tree/ and hang my mistletoe on your wall”)
http://bit.ly/1A4EaO7
Subscribe to Popbitch App and get gift subscriptions for three friends too!
http://bit.ly/popbitchxmas
Concept Album Of The Year: Larry David grindcore
http://bit.ly/1wBDKOc
Infographic Of The Year: Movie attacks on America
http://bit.ly/1gKkzt8
Good Advice Of The Year: How to avoid Piers Morgan in movies
http://bit.ly/1dSAeYt
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LAST ORDERS: There’s still time to get 10% off your Christmas spirits or last minute boozy gifts from our friends DrinksOrder.com. Checkout using the discount code PBXMAS any time before 22/12:
http://bit.ly/1Izj6TO
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Thanks: SL, MJ, JT, AM, ulysses, AD, theabominablehoman, H, domkaos, ulysses, everyone who sent in stories this year!
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Extra Old Jokes Home:
I bought some lovely German Christmas cake yesterday, but it was stollen this morning.
Still Bored?
Possibly the best local news story of the year:
http://bit.ly/16tkjO3