Selena Goatmez

“A lot of the time, people just cock things up” – Ben Bradley MP

Simon Cowell has been trying his best to convey excitement at dropping his proposed X Factor: All Stars series at the last minute in favour of a new, totally fresh idea – X Factor: The Band.

The prevailing theory is that he’s rushing this format through specifically to spite Little Mix, who have their own ‘Find A Band’ talent show starting on the BBC next year. That may well be a factor, but Cowell isn’t exactly lying when he says he’s been mulling this idea over for a while.

He’s already tried pitching something along very similar lines to Netflix, who passed on it. It remains to be seen how much he’ll change the format for ITV, but one of the things he seemed keen to include was a Love Island-style element, where bands members could chop and change who they were ‘coupled up’ with throughout the show.

Sajid Javid may have found it “incredibly rude” that Hugh Grant refused to shake his hand at the premiere of The Irishman, but if you ask us Saj had a lucky escape.

When Hugh is stood at the urinal, he doesn’t just use a simple finger and thumb to point his pecker at the porcelain. According to those who have shared the space with him, Hugh likes to pop out his entire packet – balls and all – and cradle the lot in his hand while he wees.

Which newsreader has really been upping his profile on Instagram lately? As well as all the pictures of his workouts, his dog and his after-work brewskis, he’s being making better use of the platform’s private messaging function – sliding into the DMs of some of his favourite followers and striking up some very friendly chats…

Everyone has been giving Coleen Rooney plaudits for her excellent detective skills in the WAGatha Christie saga, but Rebekah Vardy really wasn’t so bad at being a secret agent. She got pretty deep undercover. Even her husband was blind to a lot of what she was getting up to.

Vardy was constantly coordinating her evenings with photo agencies to ensure that they had paps stationed at certain places at certain times to get the right shots – but Jamie was apparently none the wiser.

Staff at the Versace Hotel in Australia remember Rebekah having a giggle about how Jamie still hadn’t twigged that she was the one tipping off the paps whenever they were out on the town. He just figured he was popular enough for them to be stalking him 24/7.

Popbitch wasn’t the first to start peeking at celebrity penises. All we’ve been doing is carrying a flame that was passed down from our forebears, including the recently deceased Frank Giles: former editor of the Sunday Times and one of the UK’s trailblazing cockwatchers.

Among the celebrity schlongs he managed to spot in his career, Giles counts some of the greats. He got a glimpse of the Duke Of Windsor, Edward VIII, in the shower and noticed that he was sporting a full Hollywood (“[hairless] even in places where one would most expect it to be”).

And he once got chatting to Ernest Bevin at the urinal, who famously said to him, mid-flow “This is it, Giles. The socialist dream. The means of production, in the hands of the people.”

Beloved children’s author David Walliams was approached by a charity not too long ago to see if he would record a video message of congratulations for the 100 or so children who completed their literacy programme that year.

Walliams initially agreed, only to later say that he wouldn’t have the time to record a video message – but would send the kids a book instead.

True to his word, he did send those 100 kids a book.

Singular.

Alan Carr was on the BBC’s The One Show recently, taking part in a rather frantic, prop-heavy quiz segment they’d arranged about famous lines from movies. In all the commotion, Carr let slip that he’d never seen the film Grease before.

That would be the same Alan Carr who was hired by Channel 4 in 2016 to host “Alan Carr’s Grease Night”: a live, two-hour car-crash that was billed as an “entertainment extravaganza hopelessly devoted to all things Grease”, would it?

There’s been a lot of focus on the Tories, Labour and Lib Dems’ relative popularity in the early days of this election – but what about the smaller parties? How are the DUP faring with the voter on the street at the moment?

Arlene Foster and Nigel Dodds went out for a late lunch at a fancy restaurant-bar in East Belfast the other week, bringing a sizable entourage of heavies with them. The guards quickly commandeered the restaurant’s toilets, telling any diners who approached to either hold it in or use the toilets in the venue’s bar instead.

That was until one brave diner squared up to them, insisting to be let past and threatening to soil themselves if they wouldn’t move – getting someone to hover about with their camera phone primed.

Funnily enough, Foster and Dodds didn’t hang around much longer after that. They left their desserts behind and were treated to a long slow-clap out of the venue.

Olivier Meyrou’s documentary about Yves Saint Laurent, Célébration, has finally got a proper cinematic release more than 20 years after it was first shot.

The film originally premiered in 2007 but YSL’s partner, Pierre Bergé, got such cold feet after the first screening that he launched a legal action that had the film shelved for more than a decade – as he was terrified it would embarrass his business partner and former lover, and tarnish the company’s legacy.

Bergé finally relented and granted permission for the film’s release before he died in 2017.

It’s tremendously sweet to go to such extraordinary lengths to protect the reputation of someone so dear to you. It’s just a shame that the last ten minutes of the now-released film features some notable footage of a well-connected, Manhattanite bachelor swanning around a New York reception for Yves.

Jeffrey Epstein.

There’s been a recent trend in royal coverage for people to read very deeply into the tiniest fashion choices the Queen makes, convinced that she’s trying to throw subtle shade at Trump, Johnson or Brexit with her choice of brooch, crown or outfit.

We might be doing Liz a disservice here, but we’re not sure if that’s quite the way she operates. For example, one of Her Majesty’s horses came in first place in the 13:20 at Wetherby last Friday.

Its name? “No Trumps”.

Every Argos catalogue since 1974
[The Book Of Dreams]

The last McDonald’s meal that was sold in Iceland just turned ten years old. They keep it in a museum there and you can watch it on a live stream
[See it now]

Another week, another Lincolnshire based poo story
[Read on The Lincolnite]

Want to buy Michael Jackson’s crystal socks? Yours for just $2,000,000 (est.)
[Bidding opens Wednesday]

Popbitch’s favourite penis enlargement surgeon…
[Gary Horn!]

Korean Airlines K-Pop safety video
[Buckle up]

There’s been a lot of talk about Dead Cat Theory again this week; this is why most of it is largely horseshit
[Read on Popbitch]

Scorcese expanded his thoughts on the MCU
[Read on NYT]

Pat Sharp skirts
[The season’s hottest look]