Shake It Like A Hand

Suki Waterhouse seems very happy these days, doesn’t she? What on earth could be putting such a smile on her face? We can’t know for sure, of course, but we can make an educated guess.

For example, we know that Kristen Stewart would often complain that she found Robert Pattinson’s knob to be uncomfortably large for her own personal tastes (personal tastes we now know err on the ‘no knob at all’ end of the spectrum).

We also know that a former flame of Suki’s is well-known in A-List circles for his habit of wanting to chuck all manner of dry, rough and unlubricated items up his partners’ flues.

So as the prospect of a relatively normal shag with a well-hung hunk is a surprisingly rare occurrence in Hollywood, it’s probably that.

One of the reasons that celebrity kids get so screwed up is because nannies essentially raise them alone while their parents are away on set/on tour/in the studio. The second the child is old enough for the parents to not need to pay a nanny anymore, they are let go – separating the teenage child from the only care-giver they’ve ever really known, leaving them alone in a house with two adults they’ve barely even met.

Suffering this type of traumatic upheaval at such an impressionable age, is it any wonder so many of them turn to drink and drugs?

There’ll be no fear of that happening with the Clooneys though. George and Amal have thought ahead, by hiring seven different nannies who work for them around the clock – so the lucky twins are unlikely to get the chance to form a meaningful relationship with any one of them either.

Which reality TV narrator had quite the pick-up line in his pre-fame days? At parties, he’d pull his pecker out, show it to a girl and say “Why don’t you shake it like a hand?”

First we heard about subs at the Sun deliberately misspelling ex-showbiz editor Dan Wootton’s name, timing how long it would take for him to hit the roof/sack someone.

Last week we saw a story that Dominic Raab’s former staff used to have a running contest between them to see how many a’s they could slip into his surname on official documents.

But our favourite is still Dannii Minogue. People on her team used to enjoy hiding increasingly mangled spellings of her first name in various information packs and handouts whenever she was brought in for meetings.

Without fail, as soon as she spotted one of these ‘typos’, she would halt the meeting, grab up everybody’s papers, handwrite a correction onto each and every copy, then redistribute them before letting anyone continue.

Just when you think American politics couldn’t get any weirder, someone goes and busts out the Bigfoot erotica.

As you may have heard, a Virginian Republican candidate for Congress, Denver Riggleman, has been uncovered as the chief artist behind some rather detailed (and technically accomplished) Bigfoot dickpics.

Naturally, this has prompted all sorts of questions. But, so far, no-one seems to have answered the one that immediately sprang to our minds. Which was: how big is Bigfoot’s erection?

So we figured it out for ourselves.

[Read The Biggest Question on Popbitch]

As TalkSport and TalkRadio prepare to relocate to NewsUK’s Baby Shard offices, execs there are trying to clear house before the move, so that they don’t bring anything unnecessary with them to the new digs.

A lot of what they seem to be shedding is sponsors, as Ford has pulled out of Alan Brazil’s breakfast show and Sky has stopped sponsoring live football on the station. But one of the big presenters potentially on the chopping block is Eamonn Holmes, who hosts TalkRadio’s drive time slot.

In the running to take over from him? Matthew Wright.

FYI: If you haven’t read the intro copy for Eamonn Holmes’ production company, and how it creates content that works “dead hard”, try it. You might enjoy it.

[Visit Studio Sixty Billion]

N writes:
“Your stories about Seal bunking the queue at the American Embassy in London and Rebel Wilson politely waiting her turn made me think people should follow Wayne Rooney’s lead. He flew to Belfast at the start of June to get his visa sorted more quickly in order to clinch the deal to play for DC United in Washington.

“He was charm personified with my eight year old daughter on the flight back to London and gladly posed for a photo with her – even though she loudly exclaimed she hadn’t a clue who he was… much to his agent’s amusement.”

What’s coming up on the David Cameron agenda? Well, we’ve just found out that he’s headed to the White House for Christmas.

Not the one in Washington, obviously. The holiday villa in Costa Rica. The good news for Dave is that it looks absolutely lovely. A paradise on the coast. The perfect place for a idyllic festive getaway.

The bad news? We know who’s renting it immediately before you.

So be sure to sniff your towels…

While hundreds of people asked questions of the London Underground’s Central Line last week (mainly variations on the theme of “WHY ARE YOUR TRAINS SO FUCKING HOT?”) one Popbitch reader asked the most burning question of all.

It appears there’s some disagreement on the Central Line as to who would win in a fight between a baboon and a badger. Chris Taggart, Head of Operations, says the baboon would, while Steve Lammin, Head of Fleet, reckons the badger would.

Fancy staging a late night underground grudge match so we can put it to bed once and for all, fellas?

Best headline of the week: “Ivanka Trump’s Ex-boyfriend Bingo Gubelmann Is Arrested Alongside Maroon 5 Bassist in Manhattan Cocaine Bust”
[Congrats to MailOnline]

Mad long read on how the McDonald’s Monopoly promotion got rigged by an ex-cop who stole millions
[Enjoy on The Daily Beast]

A hellish Wannabe remix, where the vocals gradually fall out of key and time
[Listen on YouTube]

Interesting breakdown of the story behind a tabloid gaming panic
[Read on EuroGamer]

Like the sound of that Gangsters’ Wives film we featured last week? You’ll love it even more when you see who they want to cast in it
[Check out Gangsters Wives]

Eurovision. First Wales go it alone, now Scotland follows…
[Read on Sunday Herald]

Congratulations to Popbitch Racing Club’s trainer George Baker on his 125-1 winner at Glorious Goodwood. We look forward to our new horse Barritus repeating this feat soon.
[See more on George’s blog]

There’s still time to get your name on the Popbitch Donors’ Board.
[More info on Popbitch]

Still Bored?
Aged 18-35? Need expert help in managing your personal finances? Five pairs of FREE tickets available to a masterclass with Laura Whateley, who writes the Times’ Troubleshooter column, 12th Sept, London W1. First come, first served. Use code POPBITCH.
[Book at How To Academy]