“I shag on telly and piss myself, why should I be here?” – Charlotte Crosby
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|_| |_| 29.08.13 ISSUE 655
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* Goodbye to the greats
* Panto season’s looking good
* Charts: Ellie Goulding is still no 1
>> Syrias misconduct <<
Taking candy from a baddy
Al Jazeera correspondents have been reminiscing about hanging out with Bashar al Assad, in a hotel suite in 2008. In the end he refused to give them an interview. So they stole all the Toblerones out of his mini bar.
No wonder he got cranky.
Mick Deane’s funeral yesterday kicked off with a Carlos Santana riff and ended with Steely Dan’s “Reeling in the Years”.
>> Puppetmaster <<
Real-life muppet show
David Arquette told Howard Stern recently that he’d fallen off the wagon again. Staying sober must be hard when you’re a nightclub impresario. Still, it seems to be working for him as his LA club is doing well.
Back in his sober days Arquette approached a famous LA hotel to turn their bar into a hot new nightspot. They thought it was a brilliant idea – sure to bring in Hollywood heavyweights (he was married to Courtney Cox in those days after all). Then David outlined his big idea – a nightly puppet show.
For some sad, and stupid, reason, they didn’t go with it.
Steve Ignorant of Crass now works on a lifeboat.
>> Goldmime <<
Panto season’s looking good
Obviously the big news this year is Paul Danan’s return to panto (after Preston failed to make any motherfucking noise in 2007) but there are plenty of other good options:
* Bradford
A favourite of Nick Cave, Chico, is at the Alhambra this year.
* Hayes
Joe McElderry and Shane Richie Jnr will be in Cinderella together. So to speak.
* Nottingham
Once more David Hasselhoff will don the hook-hand he complained was too heavy (and suggested he should perform Act 2 without) as Captain Hook in Peter Pan. His Tinkerbell this time? Su Pollard.
PLUS:
Barking = Michelle Gayle
Sevenoaks = Lolly
Leeds = Same Difference
Catford = Richard Blackwood
Dunstable = Leslie Grantham
Most of the Mickey Mouses at Disney World are Chinese ladies – because they are the right size (small) for the costumes.
>> Big Questions <<
What are people asking this week?
The list of peers who had gay sex at Eton is probably longer than the list of those who didn’t – but who had so much of the stuff that he was hauled before the headmaster and threatened with expulsion?
(His successful counter was that the school really would not want him to go public with the name of every Eton school master he’d had sex with.)
Sarm Studios, where Stairway to Heaven and Do They Know It’s Christmas? were recorded, is being closed down and turned into flats.
>> Easy riders <<
Goodbye to the greats
It’s always a sad day when pop’s most legendary boozers decide to let their livers dry out. It’s probably for the best, but both Duran Duran and Diana Ross have made it official: they’ve struck alcohol from recent riders.
Le Bon and le boys are asking for all alcohol to be removed from their minibars and replaced with spring water. Diana Ross is asking for hot water, lemons and a very specific honey that comes in a bear-shaped squeezy bottle.
Her request for a large Haagen Dazs butter pecan ice-cream and spoon is still there though. We all need a little vice, after all.
Nominative Determinism Of The Week: The information security officer at Talk Talk is called… Mike Rabbitt.
>> Selfie awareness <<
Costner’s photo collection
Antonio Banderas has been making friends in Deadwood, South Dakota, while shooting an advert at Kevin Costner’s casino, the Midnight Star. Banderas was charm personified, chatting away to everyone and entertaining all involved by playing blues and Spanish music on the piano in between takes.
But what most people noticed on set wasn’t just Banderas’s niceness. It was the staggering amount of photos that Kevin Costner has plastered all over the walls of his casino. Photos, almost exclusively, from Kevin Costner films.
UK consumers bought 1.4m fewer newspapers per day on average in July 2013 than in July 2012.
>> Grand designs <<
Finger-licking good
MP writes
“I spotted style guru Katie Grand in J Sheekey on Saturday night, with a loudly braying female companion and a man whose “giving the finger” t-shirt might have been more acceptable at Selhurst Park than in a West End restaurant. So much for style…”
Badger v Baboon: Bryan Talbot, 2000AD artist, answers “The badger, obviously.” (FULL DISCLOSURE: He has written a series of comics starring a violent badger.)
>> Hmmms <<
Baboons, boners, bush trimmers
Guessing house prices on Google Maps is surprisingly addictive:
http://bit.ly/153aTku
Baby monitors are old hat. Now you can electronically tag your little bundle of joy…
http://tcrn.ch/19MUzZB
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Thanks to: mount_st_nobody, deep_stoat, AM, MT, mrsix, TA, SG, CH, RW, monstris, MD, danceswithmustelids, NW, MP
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Old Jokes Home:
Q/ What do you call an Australian who can handle a bat?
A/ A vet.
