The Bedsheet Sniff Inspection

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* Finding a balance with Foxy

* Shuffling around at the Baby Shard

* PLUS: A trip back to PB2000

>> Parisian delights <<

Cooking with cocaine

Paris Hilton debuted a new cooking show on YouTube in which she shows people how she likes to make lasagna (slowly; forgetting essential ingredients; having not washed her hands after holding her dog).
It’s not wildly gripping viewing, but we’ll probably stick with it – if only to see if she includes her most legendary recipe: Strawberry Cocaine.
Regular cocaine, cut with strawberry flavoured Nesquik.

In an interview with the Independent this week, Meghan Trainor let slip she’s recorded an entire reggae album. Luckily, her label nixed it.

>> Switch up, look sharp <<

All change at Baby Shard?

It was announced last night that Emma Tucker is to become editor of the Sunday Times – and so starts another game of media musical chairs at NewsUK.
As it stands, the current reshuffle is thought to look a little like this:
– Emma Tucker to become editor of ST, displacing
– Martin Ivens, who is leaving the company
– Tony Gallagher will depart the Sun to take up Tucker’s departed deputy seat at the Times
– Victoria Newton drafted from the Sun on Sunday to replace Gallagher as editor of the Sun
If implemented, those changes would mean at least two of NewsUK’s four papers will soon be edited by women, which is a great stride for equality.
The male editor who remains in situ though is the one who – as we’ve reported before – has treated more than one female colleague to his infamous chat-up line “You have no idea how much I want to shove my cock into you.”
So a slightly mixed bag.

All of which leaves the Sun on Sunday editorship free for Dan Wootton – aka Poundland Piers. (Excited to see which hoaxed photos cost him his job in years to come.)

>> Big Questions <<

Who’s asking what this week?

Which MP tells a hugely graphic story about a drunken night of shagging they once had which resulted in them having to conduct a full sniff-inspection of their bedsheets shortly afterwards because they couldn’t readily account for the unusually large wet patch they’d created?

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>> Pwoper noughties <<

A look back at years gone by

What with our 20th anniversary in sight and everyone talking about Brad Pitt and Jennifer Aniston getting back together, this week seemed as good a time as any to start a new mini-series where we revisit a few golden oldies from the Popbitch archive over the years.
This week, we return to 2000: the year of Nasty Nick’s scheming, Madonna’s English accent, Kylie’s golden hotpants, Danniella’s missing septum and Bjork getting her own personal island for “services to Iceland”.
[Enjoy these stories, facts and jokes from PB2000]

Tony Hadley spent some time in a covers band in 2000 singing Spandau Ballet songs at corporate events. The group was called SAS and also featured Stevie Lange – better known as the voice of the Bodyform sanitary towel adverts.

>> Where there’s a Will <<

Britney: the original Markle

Oh, how the Royal Family saga could have been so different. Meghan Markle might have had an easier time adjusting to life in the Palace had William done the honourable thing and tried to make an honest woman out of Britney back in 2000.
Britney and Wills really did swap emails and arrange to meet. It was only because William got in trouble over fox-hunting that their date was cancelled.
Teenage Britney may have ended up overplaying her hand from afar though. Word is that she sent so many CDs, signed notes and autographed photos to the young prince that Buckingham Palace had to ask her management to make her stop.

Tony Mortimer from East 17 was a pallbearer at Reggie Kray’s funeral. The pair met in 1998 after Kray said he liked Mortimer’s music.

>> Textual misconduct <<

Hold for Ms Paltrow, please

Gwyneth Paltrow has carved out a whole second career out of dishng out weird advice to women in her Goop newsletter – like plopping jade eggs up your fanny, or blowing hot steam up your fanny, or buying candles that smell like your fanny.
But her advice for women in 2000 was much simpler and much, much cooler.
Gwynnie used to carry a different mobile phone for every man she was dating, and kept a separate handset for other friends and family so she knew in advance if/which one of her boyfriends was calling.
At one point in 2000 she had dedicated phones for Ben Affleck, Guy Oseary and (despite his engagement to Jennifer Aniston) Brad Pitt.

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>> What the Fox? <<

Striving for balance

Ever since his Question Time appearance last Thursday, you’ve barely been able to switch on a telly without seeing Laurence Fox plastered all over it. Just be thankful this didn’t happened sooner.
A few years back, Laurence was lined up to host a pilot episode of a TV entertainment show – but the shoot did not go well. After seeming alright for the day leading up to filming, Lozza suddenly became very weird on camera. Bleary-eyed, erratic, no-one could figure out what had gotten into him. They later discovered it was a massive amount of cocaine – which he’d apparently tried to counterbalance with a touch of ketamine.
Needless to say, he didn’t get a call back.

Keith Vaz has been elected chairman of his local constituency Labour Party in Leicester East thanks to support from his ever-loyal friend… John Thomas.

>> Job Hunt <<

An explosive farewell

If Jay Hunt really is the frontrunner for the BBC Director-General job, then we look forward to seeing the leaving do she gets thrown by a company as loaded as Apple.
When Jay left Channel 4, they got Blue to perform for the occasion who sang her a personalised version of All Rise to see her off. The boys were extremely giddy to be there. So giddy in fact that when a confetti cannon went off during the climax of their set, one of them appeared to mistake the bang for a terrorist attack and dived off the stage without warning.
Leaving the rest of the group, and the crowd, looking slightly bewildered as confetti rained down.

Is there no end to American political operatives interfering in Ukrainian business? On the longlist for Ukraine’s 2020 Eurovision selection is… David Axelrod.

>> A correction <<

Please, no more emails…

Last week we mistakenly said that Chris Martin had played hockey for King’s College London when in fact he played for University College London.
The mistake annoyed a huge number of people from UCL (who felt we had robbed them of their famous alumnus) as well as an equally huge number of people from KCL (who were even more annoyed that we’d associated them with Coldplay).
Our sincere apologies to all. To clarify: Chris Martin played for UCL and his nickname on the team was Pooch, on account of his long curly that he tied up in a tight ponytail on top of his head which made him look “like a poodle”.

This week’s Media Masters is a chat with ITV’s entertainment correspondent, Ross King. Since his relocation to LA in 2000, King has been a familiar face on the red carpet interviewing Hollywood’s biggest stars. Here he talks about the “light and shade” of celebrity gossip and reveal his favourite star encounters over the years.

[Listen/Download on Media Masters]

>> Hmmms <<

Crisps, quizzes, baby rock

Tons of new Popbitch Popquizzes to attend. Join us this coming Tuesday at Smiths Of Smithfield for another seven rounds of gossip, pop and scandal – or try one of our February dates

[Tuesday 28th January]

[Tuesday 11th February]

[Tuesday 25th February]
Christian erotica, anyone?

[Enjoy on Marriage Heat]
Negative harmony versions of songs are our new jam

[Try Sound Of Silence]
AC/DC’s Thunderstruck, arranged for mewling baby

[Listen on YouTube]
Local News Of The Week: A ‘Huge Crisp’ classic

[Read on Liverpool Echo]
Is this a case for the Popbitch Celebrity Debt Collection Agency?

[Winston Churchill is a cheapskate]
Replenishing the wine stocks after Christmas/NY? Naked Wines can help. Popbitch readers get six wines, one prosecco and two wine glasses for just £34.99 (inc delivery)

[Place your order here]
What the hell happened to the Queen’s passenger between these two photos?

[One minute she’s young…]

[…the next, she’s not]

Thanks to: vinnyt72, JF, Jampot, A, P, N, AJ, TTC, TP, EJ, monstris, deep_stoat, JB, anyone and everyone who sent us a story in 2000 that we may have included – and the entirety of UCL and KCL for the Chris Martin corrections.

Old Jokes Home

To the person who stole my copy of Microsoft Office, I will find you. You have my word.
 
Still Bored?

Rage Against The Machine x Vanessa Carlton

[Listen on YouTube]

Fancy Another?