The Bezos Pecker Problem

There’s been some uproar at the studio building where they film Good Morning Britain – and Piers Morgan’s arsehole is right at the centre of it.

There’s apparently a big discrepancy between the quality of toilet paper on offer to staff there. Most of the workers at Television Centre are having to make do with cheap TP that’s causing some people terrible trouble with their haemorrhoids. Meanwhile they’ve discovered that Piers Morgan is treated to a nice supply of fancy paper and even has access to “special wipes”.

Remember that fetid, greasy mass of shit and rotten waste that keeps clogging everything up and just won’t die? Well, it turns out he’s contributing to the fatberg.

As the National Enquirer’s head honchos David Pecker and Dylan Howard were instrumental in sending Donald Trump’s lawyer Michael Cohen to the Big House (bagging themselves immunity from prosecution in the process) it was thought their longstanding efforts to aid President Trump would be over.

Yet it was the Enquirer who dropped the recent slam-dunk scoop on the sexts and subsequent divorce proceedings of Jeff Bezos – the proprietor of Trump bête noir, the Washington Post.

The story has really set tongues wagging in media and political circles, but what enquiring minds really want to know is: how the hell did the Enquirer get hold of Jeff’s actual texts? Insiders suggest it might be worth looking to Hollywood talent agent Michael Sanchez. Michael is well-known as being the brother of Lauren Sanchez, the woman lucky enough to receive the Bezos dick pics.

And rather less well-known as a close friend of Dylan Howard, editor of the National Enquirer.

Which veteran star of TV detective shows has the secret nickname “Scatman” on some TV sets? And not because of his skibby dibby doobie, scoobie oobie melodies…

(He likes to shit on his companions in bed.)

It’s been a while since we’ve heard anything from Paul McMullan – the breakout star of the phone-hacking scandal who insisted that “privacy is for paedos”.

So what’s he up to? He’s trying to get people to crowdfund his big exposé on Rebekah Brooks, explaining “what it was really like to work for one of the UK’s most powerful and successful female bosses”.

Huh. Wonder if he’ll include any of the love poetry that he used to write to her when he’d been on the sauce? We’ll maybe chip in if he does.

We knew Louise Redknapp was going through a bit of a rough spot at the minute, but we didn’t realise things had got quite so bad.

We knew she’d suffered a serious injury. We knew she’d been forced to pull out of her opening performance in the 9 To 5 musical. But what on earth could have happened that has compelled her to sign up with Simon Jones PR – the man who represents such professional disaster magnets as Ant McPartlin, Cheryl Cole, Tess Daly and Tulisa?

Louise, you’re scaring us. Call. Please.

It’s not often that David Sneddon off of Fame Academy crops up in a story of serious international significance – but that might be about to change.

The Russian billionaire pop star at the centre of the Mueller investigation, Emin Agalarov, has got a gig next week. In New York. Which means that, for the first time since he was implicated in setting up a meeting between Don Jr and a Russian lobbyist (and potentially inspiring the piss tape rumour too), Emin is going to be setting foot on US soil.

Is the shit about to hit the fan? Will Emin be called in for questioning at arrivals? And how is David Sneddon involved in all of this? We’ll try to get you up to speed on the whole weird story…

[Read ‘The Ballad Of Emin Agalarov’]

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Someone who worked across the many Blockbuster branches of south-west London in the mid-90s remembers Richard Blackwood coming in with a different honey on his arm every week. He would always focus on the Haagen Dazs, but was strictly a single-rental skinflint.

On the occasions that they had to call up about late returns, they discovered Richard had listed his dad’s number on his account. However, his dad would always answer any questions they had and was always very nice to deal with.

Media Twitter was ablaze this week with a debate about which publications ‘principled’ journalists can and can’t write for. The same argument happens every couple of months, but it may be of interest to learn that one former journalist-turned-author is currently having to eat huge gobfuls of humble pie because of this very thing.

It seems their most recent book hasn’t sold quite as well as expected, so they’re now feverishly trying to pitch chapter excerpts and other related pieces to the Daily Mail to drum up some interest.

They’re not having much luck though. Possibly because the Mail doesn’t feel hugely sympathetic towards the hack in question. Not after the many years he spent publicly attacking them, anyhow.

Chris Evans starts his new radio show on Monday and the big concern is that listeners aren’t going to follow him over. Virgin is doing everything it can to make the transition as seamless as possible – including dropping their usual advertising for the show so as not to put off his old audience.

One of the more peculiar deals they struck with the Beeb though was allowing Evans to take all his old jingles and production materials over to Virgin so that he can continue playing the same sound cues on his new show too.

Whether he’s actually had his producers go to the trouble of trimming out mentions of “BBC Radio 2” and splice in new mentions of “Virgin Radio” instead, we guess we’ll find out on Monday.

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Nick Cave Watch: Nick Cave saves baby Jesus!
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When pop music goes political – terrific story about CantoPop legend Denise Ho
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The title of the new Chris Morris film has been announced as The Day Shall Come…
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…which we told you back in November
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White cats can’t jump
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Wanksy’s back at it again
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Old Gawker vs New Gawker is some good media beef
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