The Daily Tonic: Slime Of The Times

There’s not much to find cute about Alex James from Blur these days now that he’s a middle-aged Chipping Norton cheese-shagger – but we did enjoy hearing that he was still pulling his old coke trick as late as 2018.

Whenever he’s out and mingling with strangers who look like they might be able to lay on a few lines, Alex likes to pretend that he’s never done cocaine before, but would be interested to try it. Anyone gullible enough to fall for this will then be stuck with him all night as he miraculously develops a taste for it.

Robbie Williams played a big outdoor gig at a winery in the Yarra Valley in 2018, telling the audience “I fucking love you, Australia.” This is the story he used to illustrate why.

Williams told the crowd that on a previous tour he met a girl in a club and took her home. They got down to business and about 10 minutes in she turned round to him and said “Have you slimed yet, Terry?”

When he pointed out his name was actually Robbie, her response was: “Whatever…”

While filming a package for Children In Need, England goalkeeper Joe Hart was invited to a community centre to surprise some young carers and go in goal for a charity penalty shootout.

However, when one of the kids (a nine year old) started getting a bit mouthy, taunting Joe about the fact he’d been dropped by Man City and had ended up playing for a shit team instead, the keeper’s temper flared up and he booted the kid’s ball over the community centre and out of the grounds.

Then he didn’t let in a single goal for the rest of the day.

We knew that Redfoo from LMFAO likes to request his own songs at clubs when he’s out on the town, but it seems this policy also extends to the bedroom.

According to one lucky lady who met him one night, Redfoo took over the stereo to put on one of his own songs (I’m In Miami, Bitch) and sang along while he got down to work.

But changed the lyrics to “I’m in your pussy, bitch.”

“Marlon Brando was the most charming motherfucker you ever met. He’d fuck anything. Anything. He’d fuck a mailbox” – Quincy Jones

“Journalists say I’ve bullied them. Well, if they behave like cunts they get told to fuck off” – Sir Philip Green

“Millennials are very sweet to me but I’ve read they’re all virgins” – Jilly Cooper

“I would love to be the person who says you read this stuff and it doesn’t bother you. Every word bothers you. Every word.” – Gary Barlow

As we creep closer to the present day, here are ten more songs, taken from the top end of the 2018 UK charts and chopped up into one three minute mix.

You get a point for every song title you can correctly name, and a point for every lead artist you identify.

Ten songs, twenty points in total.

[Play it here]

If you want more Quincy Jones quotes, he gave some corking interviews in 2018
[One for GQ]
[One for Vulture]

Paintings of cats with pancakes on their heads
[Exactly what it says]

Sandstorm by Darude, arranged for potato
[Watch on YouTube]