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“I wish I was still poor and unknown” – James Arthur
POPBITCH _ _ _ _
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|_| |_| 13.02.14 ISSUE 677
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* Morrissey’s slender hooves
* Vic Reeves’ shit jokes
* Charts: Zedd v Clean Bandit for no 1
>> Bad crop <<
Missing the bigger picture
It was nice of the Lambeth Weekender newspaper to run a piece on local-boy-done-good Chiwetel Ejiofor for his Oscar nominated performance in 12 Years A Slave. Slightly less nice of them to illustrate the piece with a picture of Ejiofor’s right sleeve though, and the face of co-star Dwight Henry.
http://bit.ly/1gyi37h
FYI: Ejiofor went to the same school as Nigel Farage.
Press Release of The Week: 3% of marriage proposals happen in a car. (Thanks to the AA for this crucial survey).
>> Twitty banter <<
Morons on the internet
It’s been quite a week for petty celeb squabbles on Twitter. First up, Frankie Cocozza decided to lose his last remaining fans by imprinting an indelibly awful image in everyone’s heads (“@JodieMarsh I never said I fucked you Jodie… I said that I fingered you. See I didn’t lie mate.”)
Then we were treated to some of James Arthur’s sexting after one woman got so tired of his gruesome advances she decided to publish. James handled the situation with all the grace of a tazered bear.
Even the editor of Channel 4 News failed to elevate the discourse. After hearing Sky’s Adam Boulton liken the show’s multi-presenter set-up to the Muppet Show, Ben de Pear took to Twitter with this eloquent riposte:
“IF Jon’s co hosts r Muppets (they’re not)u lot r Fraggle Rock. Don’t remember them? Exactly”.
Correction: SA writes re Kitchener’s ship being hit by a mine in 1916, “as the mine was tethered and the ship moving it was probably the other way round”.
>> Name checking <<
The Ms education of Lauryn Hill
Lauryn Hill is out of prison and lining up a summer of festival gigs.
Journalists who want to write about them are being advised of one very, very important detail.
Don’t call her Lauren Hill. Seriously.
It has to be Ms Lauryn Hill. And only Ms Lauryn Hill.
Laurie Penny turned down Celebrity Big Brother. Obviously a woman with much more sense than is initially apparent.
>> Big Questions <<
Who wants to know what?
Which party-loving Brit actor once looked so unkempt coming back into the UK that he was given a proper welcome by border staff… which ended up with him having a rubber-gloved hand up his arse?
Puerile Olympics:
Bronze: Our old friend, Andreas Wank;
Silver: Semen Pavlichenko,
Gold medal so far: Satoshi Sakashita.
>> Toilet humour <<
The smell of Reeves & Mortimer
Ever wonder where Vic Reeves gets his ideas? In the first episode his latest BBC2 series, House Of Fools, Vic made a joke about Matt Berry shitting in a kettle. It reminded us of this Big Question from popbitch issue 300:
“Which ex-lawyer comedian once disgraced himself in a hotel room by defecating in a kettle?”
Now, we’re not accusing Vic of nicking our ideas. Quite the contrary, in fact. We imagine he probably got it direct from the source… Bob Mortimer.
Liam Gallagher was spotted at Shoreditch House last weekend. It appeared to be just him and his bodyguard Observers said he looked sad.
>> Stock trade <<
It’s all gravy
Richard Hillgrove – the man known to most journalists as “that weird guy who persistently emailed about Nigella’s nosecandy and Charles Saatchi’s innocence” is now wading into another celebrity marriage scandal.
Who is he choosing to pester everyone about this time? Erm, Loose Woman and mum from the Oxo ads – Lynda Bellingham.
Fingers crossed he’ll be emailing everyone four times a week again to tell us all about it.
Rizzo off of Grease is 70 today!
>> Pwoper haughty <<
Dyer gets into highbrow haikus
Is there no limit to Danny Dyer’s talents? His readings of haikus will warm any heart:
http://bit.ly/1bP6fKC
Morrissey has surprisingly small feet for his height, “like slender hooves”.
>> Precious metal <<
Mini Girlschool from Japan
Metal is definitely having a moment. After finding Haddaway back and touring with Emergency Gate we’re now obsessing about Babymetal, a Japanese group of three schoolgirls.
Melding J Pop and heavy rock and kawaii styling, now even the nonces who don’t like pop music have something to listen to:
http://bit.ly/1fjpb59
FYI: If you missed the new version of Haddaway’s What Is Love:
http://bit.ly/1gP4mFh
Tommy Wiseau (The Room) was asked the Badger v Baboon question. He went badger. He didn’t give a reason.
>> Gift Aid <<
Charity commissioned
Journalists and fashionistas have been invited to the Mayfair Hotel tonight to attend an auction, hosted by Mary Portas, of designer, hand-painted scarves for Save The Children, and to meet Julien MacDonald and Joan Collins. So:
* A hotel where rooms start at 300 quid a night…
* A TV celebrity whose retail image, thanks to a series of business misfortunes, is in dire need of a makeover..
* Super-lux accessories…
* A fashion designer with a catwalk show to promote in two days’ time and…
* An actress best known for playing a billionaire capitalist bitch on 80s TV.
Who better to solve the plight of the world’s poorest kids!
Last weekend a rumour swept Eurovision fansites that the Honeyz were lined up for the UK entry…
>> Hmms <<
An oral history of Shirley Temple
Who the Government’s Coding for Kids campaign really benefits, plus one of the most car-crash Newsnight interviews of all time:
http://bit.ly/1gyj8vN
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Thanks to: Gerry, JE, posh_duckhunter, JE, NJ, abominablehoman, AP, ulysses, SD, ______ ,
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Old Jokes Home:
I feared my wife had Tourette’s, so I took her to see a psychiatrist.
The good news? She’s not got it.
The bad news? I am a cunt and she does want me to fuck off.
