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The Shortest Knight

 

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“I like to follow a recipe exactly; if it says cut the onions into 1.7mm slices, I will do that” – Stephen Kinnock
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* Getting sassy with Sorrell
* Leslie Grantham’s lit wank
* PLUS: Does Beckham shag elephants?
>> Dacre’s half-day <<
Going postal at the Mail
 

Soon-to-be-ex Daily Mail editor Paul Dacre took to the Spectator this week to warn his successor against reversing the paper’s support for Brexit.

Dacre had assumed he’d have a bit of a say in who was picked to follow in his footsteps, so was a little blindsided when it was announced that his Mail on Sunday Remoaner nemesis Geordie Grieg had got the gig.

Colleagues at the Mail say the most obvious sign of Dacre’s fury was that, on the day of the announcement last week, he stormed off home at 5pm. And he almost never leaves his desk before 9.30.

Nominative Determinism Of The Week: the lawyer prosecuting Jonathan King… Rosina Cottage QC.
>> Sexy safari <<
Not on your nelly
 

If you were anywhere near the internet last Friday, you’ll almost certainly have heard the big Beckham rumour that was all over social media.

It struck us as being pretty unlikely though as a very similar story did the rounds in early 2016, suggesting that Harper was having to change schools because David had had an affair with one of the teachers there and got them pregnant.

Of course, it’s possible that these two stories are one and the same. A two year pregnancy is perfectly plausible. If Harper had been taught by an African Bush Elephant. And David Beckham had shagged it.

Betting industry insiders say they hadn’t heard of any Beckham divorce markets existing before Friday, and had certainly never taken any money on them. So could it possibly be that the whole thing was exploited for an easy headline and some free publicity?
>> Big Questions <<
Who’s asking what this week?
 

Which Guardian columnist has more opinions on politics than she can manage to fit in her columns – so takes them to the bookies? She’s an unlikely regular with one high-street bookmaker, fluttering on the comings and goings of Westminster.

Someone who shook hands with Gordon Brown after his speech at QEH on Tuesday tells us he has “really soft hands” (“I mean REALLY soft”).
>> Knight shade <<
Getting sassy with Sorrell
 

As the rest of the world catches up with what we were telling you about Sir Martin Sorrell’s rather racy expense account last month, here’s something else you may not know about the veteran exec.

Sir Martin’s nickname in the world of advertising was “21st June”. Why? Because 21st June is the longest day.

And he’s the shortest knight.

Other calendar nicknames: MailOnline editor Martin Clarke was known as “9 And A Half Weeks” at the Mirror, as that’s how long he lasted there as news editor.
>> News scammed <<
Vice’s personal Maxim
 

If you read the New York Magazine profile on Vice this week, you’ll know that they’re alleging the entire brand is built on a bluff. This won’t come as a surprise to anyone who knows the company’s history though. They’ve always had smart scams to help boost their numbers.

Back when it was still trying to make a name for itself in New York, Vice created a print edition of the magazine with a normal front cover and designed the back to look like an upside-down front cover of Maxim.

The plan was to stock the issue on newsstands back-to-front and upside-down to dupe punters into buying it thinking it was Maxim (which was selling two million copies every month at the time), stealing up a slice of their sales and then shopping that month’s receipts round to advertisers to show how popular their mag was.

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[Buy at Thinking Slimmer]
>> Gruesome twosome? <<
It’d be love at first shite
 

If there’s a matchmaker working in the movie industry, maybe they’d like to set up Samantha Morton and Tom Hardy?

We mentioned a few months ago that Tom Hardy once got so deep into his role that he chose to soil himself mid-shoot rather than break character to go to the toilet.

Apparently he’s a man after Morton’s heart. On one set, she apparently didn’t like the outfit she was being made to wear. When wardrobe refused to change it, she forced their hand by responding “Well, now I’ve shat in it.”

Mags from A-Ha says that when he played corporate gigs he used to divide how much he was paid by the length of set they played. Reckoned the most he ever got was £2,000 per note of Take On Me.
>> Val-iant effort <<
Snipping it in the bud
 

Back in the 90s, Val Kilmer landed an audition to play a cyberpunk psycho villain in a movie. He really wanted to look the part for it, so he called to book in an appointment with a well-regarded LA hairstylist. The pair talked through the part and the stylist had a few ideas, telling Val he could easily make him look like a cyberpunk psycho (“As if you’d cut your hair yourself, with a knife.”)

The appointment was booked for Thursday at 8am, two hours before the audition.

Maybe he was nervous about cutting things a little fine but, on Wednesday afternoon, the salon’s phone rang again. It was Val, begging for help. He had tried to get the ball rolling ahead of their appointment to help the stylist out, but had made a horrible mistake – by cutting his hair himself. With a knife.

Needless to say, he didn’t get the part.

Remember Mustafa Koc, from Koc Holding? His younger brother Ali Koc has just become president of Turkish football team Fenerbace.
>> Lit wank <<
Actor, author, autoeroticist
 

We’re often accused of speaking ill of the dead whenever a famous person dies (even though most of what we say in the aftermath is really just repeating something we said when they were alive).

After hearing reports that he is currently in pretty bad shape in hospital, we didn’t want to be accused of doing that with Britain’s favourite panto star/murderer Leslie Grantham. So we thought the only scrupulous thing to do was to direct your attention to this now.

We reviewed his book of children’s fiction, which is filled with so many Freudian slips about wanking it’s hard to believe it wasn’t intentional.

[Read ‘Lit Wank’ on Popbitch]

For this week’s US Open Tiger Woods is staying on his $20m yacht in the Hamptons. It’s called Privacy.
>> Eager Beavers <<
What’s in a name?
 

Usually the format for our nominative determinism bit is that we tell you their very specific job title, then reveal the weirdly apt name. This week though, we were told all about Bonnie Beaver – so we thought we’d let you guess what someone called Bonnie Beaver might do for a living.

If you guessed that she was the Executive Director and a founding member of the American College of Veterinary Behaviorists, then… congratulations! You’re right!
[See on GoodNewsForPets]

And if you’re one of the muckier types, and thought she might be a gynaecologist practicing in West Hills, California… congratulations! You’re right as well!
[See on USnews]

If you’re in need of a gynaecologist in Boise, Idaho, we’re happy to recommend Dr Lisa Minge on her name alone.
>> Moneybags <<
How to stash your cash
 

What does one do with the money you get from writing a book about the sitting prime minister shagging a dead pig’s mouth? We can’t speak for Lord Ashcroft, but word around Fleet Street is that Isabel Oakeshott put a bit of her pigfucking funds towards a particular cosmetic operation.

“So what?” you might think. “It’s her money, it’s her body, it’s her choice.” We completely agree.

We only mention it to say: if she hasn’t called her new tits Pinky and Perky, she’s really missed a trick.

Did you open an account at Eurovision with our friends at Star Sports? Take a look at their World Cup specials. The tournament top goalscorer market looks particularly open to us…
[See at Star Sports]
>> Hmmms <<
Otters, Nietzche, Monae
 

A pizza box designed for eating pizza in bed
[See at Boston Pizza]

Spotted at the Stapleford Miniature Railway open weekend? Duff McKagan from Guns’n’Roses
[Read on Leicester Mercury]

Songs remixed to only have every second beat
[Hear on Spud Islander]

Is Vice really a giant bluff?
[Read on NYMag]

Name Dubai’s new baby otters
[Enter at Dubai Aquarium]

Fredrick Nietzche or Janelle Monae?
[Play on McSweeneys]

Brisbane local news of the week
[Not wholly SFW]

Who picks the films we get to see? Men, usually…
[Read on ScreenDaily]

Thanks to: SJ, JD, JT, G, CD, JM, kunani, SG, JE, J, party b, B, beaver-haver, RL
Old Jokes Home
Q/ When does a bad joke become a dad joke?
A/ When the punchline becomes apparent

 

Still Bored?
The musical theory that makes us love Three Lions
[Read on ShortList]

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