The Slut Countdown

“I would love to be the person who says you read this stuff and it doesn’t bother you. Every word bothers you. Every word.” – Gary Barlow

Sean(n) Walsh has had quite the week, hasn’t he? Splashed across the front pages for snogging his married Strictly partner while his girlfriend waited alone at home on her birthday. A love rat story this toxic is going to require a top-grade clean-up job.

Which is why Sean(n) quietly dropped his long-term PRs on Tuesday and signed up with industry big boys, Freuds, instead.

Matthew Freud, you may remember, is the man who once managed to cover up the story that he got another woman pregnant while married to the daughter of the world’s most powerful media mogul. So he’ll probably have a few helpful pointers.

Sean(n) Walsh is managed by infamous comedy agency, Off The Kerb. Along with Avalon, OTK have pretty much got the entire UK comedy industry all stitched up.

This is partly because OTK has a sister production company, Open Mike Productions, which makes shows like Live At The Apollo, Michael McIntyre’s Comedy Roadshow, The Last Leg, Alan Carr’s Chatty Man – shows that are then packed with Kerb’s own acts.

One of their better known tricks for promoting their lower-rung clients to other shows is to offer package deals. So if you want a big name like Jonathan Ross or Jack Dee or Michael McIntyre to appear on your show, you can get them – but only if you take a bunch of their other, lesser-known acts too.

This trick is known in the business as the ‘Shappi Clause’ – named for its major beneficiary.

Which MP’s enthusiasm for anal is the talk of Westminster at the moment? Stories of her shagging SPADs and politicos against her desk have been doing the rounds – including one eye-watering tale about her insistence on them “going in dry”.

To help the execs and Sun readers mingle at News UK’s team-building trip to a Scarborough holiday camp last weekend, there was an icebreaker activity on the first night. Teams had to work their way around the crowd to find the best celeb look-a-like among them.

One punter who was made to choose someone dragged out a big, fat, bald guy he’d found. When asked who his choice was supposed to resemble, he replied “Ross Kemp!”

The Sun troops loved it.

Rebekah Brooks (aka the former Mrs Kemp)? Not so much.

Someone working at BBC News Channel was busting for the loo and found themselves near the floor’s disabled toilet so decided to quickly pop in. About a minute in, they heard a knock on the door. Embarrassed that they – an able-bodied person – had been caught surreptitiously using the disabled toilet, they were about to finish up as swiftly as they could and apologise profusely.

That was until they heard the person on the other side of the door say “It’s Frank Gardiner [the BBC’s Security Correspondent]. Would you hurry up? I’m on air in five minutes and I really need a shit.”

So instead of owning up, the person inside took out their phone, set their stopwatch for 5’10 – and silently waited it out.

We’ve written some stories over the last few weeks that might have given you the impression that the radio industry is filled with tawdry, cavalier shaggers. In the interests of balance, we should point out that there are some responsible shaggers out there too.

Colin Murray was getting so much action when he was on Radio 1 in the mid-noughties that he became a little concerned it was maybe turning his cock green. Obviously, a sensible and considerate swordsman always wants to make sure that his piece is healthy and safe, so he immediately got it checked out.

By asking a group of broadcast assistants if they wouldn’t mind casting their eyes over it before he went on air…

There’s not much to find cute about Alex James from Blur these days now that he’s a middle-aged Chipping Norton cheese-shagger – but we did enjoy hearing that he’s still pulling his old coke trick.

Whenever he’s out and mingling with strangers who look like they might be able to lay on a few lines, Alex likes to pretend that he’s never done cocaine before, but would be quite interested in trying it. If anyone’s gullible enough to fall for it, they’ll be stuck with him all night as he miraculously develops a taste for it.

With the DUP threatening to vote down Theresa May’s forthcoming budget, there’s a lot of pressure on Chancellor Philip Hammond at the minute – but he’s already got plenty on his plate.

Hammond’s wife has been hassling civil servants at the Treasury, trying to get them to take care of her own personal admin. Email chains have started bouncing around the office, griping about her and her various demands.

Hammond found out about it and has had to plead with his staff to stop being quite so mean about her.

Love Island is the reality format of the moment, having been sold to a bunch of different countries including Germany, Denmark, Norway and Australia.

The inaugural season of Love Island Sweden has just finished, and Brits working in the media in Stockholm were somewhat surprised to get an email inviting them to the “Love Island Slutfest”. Local colleagues quickly stepped in to explain that “slut” simply means “final” in Swedish, so “slutfest” is their word for wrap party.

It’s probably a good job they didn’t get the earlier emails then, which were sent out to the cream of Stockholm’s models and DJs, inviting them to a “slutcasting”.

Having got such great results in getting Bez to stump up for a 30 year old petrol IOU, someone else has come to employ the services of the Popbitch Collection Agency. This case may be slightly more ambitious though.

In 2008, Prince William paid a visit to a Naval Air Station and was invited to join a few of the sailors at the on-site diner. Will’s choice of lunch (fittingly) was a coronation chicken baguette and chips. As he carries no cash, one of the sailors offered to buy the prince his meal on the proviso that he be remembered and get some sort of gong in exchange. “Nothing fancy,” they said, “just an MBE.”

Ten years on, and Wills still hasn’t come good on it.

“The Iron Sheik Brokers Peace Between Limp Bizkit And Insane Clown Posse”
[Read on Consequence of Sound]

Dildo or pipe bomb?
[Read on 98FM]

Bread stapled to trees. It’s a thing.
[See on Reddit]

One of the men accused of defrauding the NHS to the tune of £700,000? Mark Evill!
[Read on the BBC]

A young Michael Gove rooting through David Attenborough’s bins
[Watch on Twitter]

Make sure you have plans for Friday or you might end up here…
[Cliff Richard Live!]

Ever wanted to know what goes on behind the scenes at BBC’s News at Ten? Editor Paul Royall tells all on this week’s Media Masters podcast
[Listen at Media Masters]