The Urinal Catwalk

Kate Moss first met Philip Green when he bought a gift that she had donated to a charity auction – a kiss. Sir Phil chivalrously paid £60k for it, before donating it on to the person he outbid (Jemima Khan).

It was not long after this that Kate suggested the TopShop collaboration that would go on to make them both millions.

With his post-BHS business fortunes decidedly mixed, Green seems to have turned back to this tried-and-tested business formula. This summer he apparently offered another young lady up to “half the year’s profits” in return for a kiss.

We’ll know if it worked if we see a new clothes range in TopShop by Kate’s teenage daughter before the year is out…

Here’s a story that’ll make you wish that GDPR rules had automatically unsubscribed us:

Journalists who have had the misfortune of using the toilets at the same time as Michael Gove say that he is so proud of his own dick that he unzips it an unnervingly long way away from the urinal, taking something of a catwalk up to the trough with it out; then takes a disproportionately long time to tuck it all back in while making his way over to the sinks.

After taking considerable advantage of the free booze at the GQ Awards last night, which media lovely fancied a little something xtra, and ended the night sloshing her way round the room asking all and sundry where she could get some drugs? Bless. Hope she doesn’t catch too much… fallout.

From Issue 813:
“Which beloved sci-fi actress has a rather odd daily routine which involves manually wanking off her dog to stop it from becoming too aggressive – seven days a week?”

RIP Servalan.

When we said last week that Tesla billionaire and vigilante paedophile hunter Elon Musk told people that Talulah Riley had died when they broke up, we should have specified that we were talking about their second divorce.

What happened after their first one was slightly different. That time, Musk was very keen to win her back – which he eventually did with the line “I will be the first man on Mars for you.”

Given that Musk has happily told reporters that there’s a “good chance” the first passengers to Mars will die, unreturned to Earth, you can see why the offer might have held some appeal for Ms Riley.

Yesterday we received a rather stern-sounding missive from Parisian law firm, Lacoste Associes, informing us that there are “photographs and tapes” of one of Princess Stéphanie of Monaco’s adult daughters circulating around various newsdesks which depict her “in the context of her private life”.

They wanted to make it clear to us, in both English and French, that under no circumstance were we to publish any such material as it would “seriously undermine” her privacy.

Weird that the French are suddenly such hard-liners when it comes to publishing intimate pictures of other people’s royal families – but we’re sure Kate Middleton will be thrilled to hear it.

Burt Bacharach headlined at last weekend’s North Sea Jazz Festival in Curaçao. During a hits-heavy set, he stopped to introduce a lesser-known track to the audience, My Little Red Book.

The song, he explained, had been written for Manfred Mann but had bombed. “A failure, a total flop,” he said – but that these things happen. Sometimes there’s just no explaining it. “Take Kevin Spacey’s last film, for example,” he went on. “It came out last week and only took a total of $725 at the box office.”

Burt stopped and looked up at the audience. “And why did I just tell you that story? Oh yeah… it’s ‘cos I just can’t stand the guy.”

We first ran the Popbitch Bulletin Board back in 2009, in an attempt to get Channel 4 newsreader Jon Snow to return a lawnmower he’d borrowed from his neighbours. Our forays into celebrity/consumer-rights journalism since then haven’t been hugely successful – but this week we finally got a second closed case on the books.

After last week’s story about Bez writing an IOU at a Q8 petrol station in Didsbury back in 1991 to pay for £5 worth of fuel, Bez’s people got in touch with us. Although he didn’t remember the incident specifically (and given that it happened nearly 30 years ago, at the height of Happy Mondays’ fame, fair enough…) he wanted to do good by our reader. He’s offered to settle his bill.

We have since put the two of them in touch, and look forward to a speedy mediation.

FYI: Have unfinished business with another celeb? hello@popbitch.com

While we had Bez’s ear, we wanted to run something else by him. At this weekend’s Cool Britannia festival at Knebworth, we heard that Black Box arrived at their dressing room on Saturday to find it had been plundered and all the booze had been nicked from their rider.

Fingers were, not irrationally, pointed at the Happy Mondays – who had the dressing room next door and something of a reputation for hedonism. But Bez insists they’re innocent. In fact, he says he had enough booze left over from the Mondays’ own rider that he ended up taking some home.

We know him to be an honourable man. So who was stealing acts’ booze, hoping that the Mondays would take the fall for it?

Feeder? Toploader? Dodgy? Come on, boys. Someone needs to ‘fess up.

As people seem to be seriously talking about Hardeep Singh Kohli winning this current series of Celebrity Big Brother, yet another reminder:

Someone who was summoned to attend a meeting at Hardeep’s home a few years ago says that, while they were in the kitchen, he leaned over and licked her face. When pulled up on it, he seemed to not understand that it was perhaps a touch unprofessional.

“I have unbelievable pipes!” Cher is such a treasure
[Interview in the NYT]

Want to hear Paul Danan talking about the blowjob he got in the bogs at Love Island? Of course you do…
[Listen on Acast]

Great Jacqueline Pearce anecdote from Russell T Davies
[See on Instagram]

Imagine developing and perfecting state-of-the-art virtual reality technology just to use it to cover a Jamiroquai song…
[Watch on YouTube]

Two honey badgers take on a pride of lions
[See on Reddit]

A timeline of the Elon Musk/Grimes/Azalea Banks beef
[Follow on High Snobiety]

Keith Allen’s diner has been attacked by a very apologetic vandal
[Read on Stroud News]

We’ve written a lot on film industry tax evasion in the past; here’s a little update on the current state of things
[Read on i]

Still Bored?
Roy Moore is suing Sacha Baron Cohen for his paedophile detector stunt
[Read the court filing]