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Toilet-Bowling For Columbine

 

 Michael Moore’s ten minute call, Bieber’s megachurch and Despacito is No 1 again
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* Michael Moore’s ten minute call
* Justin Bieber’s megachurch
* Despacito headed back to No.1

>> Board to death <<
It’s the end of an era
For many of you, this weekly mailout is Popbitch, but when we kicked things off back in the early 2000s there was another important aspect of our work. The Popbitch messageboard: a place where journalists, celebrities and pop culture obsessives came to face off.

Madonna used to post here. Queen’s John Deacon turned up to support the board’s first fundraiser. Much of Fleet St, half the UK music industry, even well-known MPs-turned-nutjob-conspiracy-theorists. Everyone cut their teeth here. It led to Popbitch weddings, babies, divorces – and worse.

Keeping us all entertained year after year was the Reverend Goatboy, an ex-roadie with a raft of tall tales. It’s hard to believe that this weekend will mark 10 years since he died, but this anniversary seems to be the right moment for us to take the step to shutter the board.

We don’t need to tell you how much the internet’s moved on this last decade, and we know so many of you personally now that there are other ways to fill the pages of this newsletter each week (which, to be clear, is going to continue for as long as you’ll have us).

So, old PB posters: you’ve got ’til 31st July to say your farewells, pretend you think everyone’s a cunt, and (if you’re lucky) cop off with someone for old times’ sake.

Thanks to everyone who ever posted or lurked. It’s been a privilege, and we look forward to hanging out with you for many more years (including a celebratory party – details coming soon.)

If you want to jump in for one last bout of p and b, do it now.

Rumours are swirling that Portugal are sounding out Nelly Furtado as a potential host for Eurovision next year.
>> Dirty work <<
Toilet-bowling for Columbine
Michael Moore’s new solo show about Donald Trump starts previews on Broadway tomorrow.A quick word of reassurance to theatre staff. If you can’t find Michael once you’ve given him his ten minute call, he’s likely to be in the toilet. He uses that time to go for a big, invigorating dump.

He’ll only ever go after the ten minute call though, even if he knows deep down that it’s going to be a 15 minute job. So make sure you have a few spare songs on the playlist lined up. He might be a little late to the stage.

Remember the ponytailed Montenegrin who sang that amazing gay space banger at Eurovision in May? He’s the featured artist on the first X Factor trailer. Slavko for Bootcamp!
>> Big Questions <<
Who’s asking what this week?
Which London DJ threw an incredible hissy fit while being wined and dined before a show in Italy? He sent the carpaccio he ordered back to the kitchen because it was just “raw meat”.
Linda Barker has a dog called Stanley. Stanley only has one ball.
>> Peccing order <<
Tit-jobs for the boys
There’s been a noticeable uptick in the number of reality TV stars visiting private clinics in caps and dark specs at the moment – all going to get their chests inspected by surgeons.It’s not women though. It’s the boys. It seems those who have dabbled with enhancements over the last few years are being recalled to have scans of their secret pec implants because of a safety scare.
Idyllic Country House For Sale – price reduced just this morning. A number one songwriter is selling up, close to Gatwick and easy access to London and Brighton. And the biggest plus? Peter Andre lives just up the road! Recording studio and duck pond (with wild ducks) on site.

[See the details on RightMove]

>> Cruisin’ for a bruisin’ <<
Paying the ultimate price
Someone who met Justin Bieber in Australia on tour earlier this year said he was just like he always is. Miming, phoning it in, partying: normal as ever. But when they met up with him again a few weeks ago, when he was in Sydney for the Hillsong church convention, he seemed like a totally different person.

What is Hillsong? It’s a megachurch, founded in the 80s in Australia by Brian Houston. Like any religious institution worth its salt, Hillsong offers its members eternal salvation, has close links to paedophilia (Houston’s father, a pastor himself, was a massive paedo) and is great at making money. So great, in fact, that it has developed a special payment app for its churchgoers to use and has recently set itself up to take contactless payments.

Now, with its Tom Cruise style link-up with Justin Bieber, could it be aiming for a takeover of the ailing celebrity Scientology market?

On an unrelated note, Justin Bieber has a net worth of $225 million.

DJ Khaled’s Wild Thoughts is the first number one not to top either the sales chart or the streaming table, yet – combined – got enough to push it to number one.
>> Depeche code <<
A dodgy midnight snack?
Depeche Mode had to cancel a couple of gigs at the last minute this past fortnight as Dave Gahan was taken ill with a “stomach bug”.Let’s hope touring isn’t causing any difficult issues for Gahan, once known by crew as “The Cat” for the many brushes with death he survived.

Crew members report that Gahan was looking surprisingly refreshed on the day this stomach bug first struck – and note that his hotel room has often had a security guard outside it…

Talk about getting typecast. The woman playing Theresa May in Television X’s new porn parody “Hard Brexxxit” also played Margaret Thatcher in “The Iron Lady Garden”.
>> Bum wrap <<
Finley’s arrested development
Dave Gahan isn’t the only person to postpone a show because they suddenly felt a little peculiar before taking to the stage.

Worried that he was going to get busted for marijuana possession, Finley Quaye made the decision to hide his stash up his backside. As it soon became clear that the risk had passed, he noticed that he was becoming more and more fucked, so attempted to remove it. From his own anus. With a teaspoon.

He was found in his dressing room, passed out, pants down and a teaspoon… in position.

POPBITCH POPQUIZ! Our August quiz has already sold out, but if you want to book in early for September’s back-to-school special, we’ll be back at Smiths Of Smithfield with all the usual smut and silliness on September 5th. £5 per person; max team-size is six but we can sit larger groups together.
[Find out more and reserve your table]
>> PR review <<
Friends in high places
The Sunday Mirror has just signed up a rather interesting new TV columnist: Melanie Blake.There’s no denying that Melanie knows plenty about TV. She has to in order to be able to run her company, Urban Associates – a management and PR agency which represents a number of presenters, actors and Loose Women pundits.

Two of her clients already have columns in the Trinity Mirror papers but, now that Blake has her own TV column, a couple of series in particular can expect glowing reviews in the next few months too.

Urban Associates’ client Saira Khan has signed up to appear on Dancing On Ice, and Urban Associates’ client Helen Lederer will be a housemate in Celebrity Big Brother.

It’s all kicking off at Walkabout Colchester this weekend. Love Island’s Kem will pop in on Friday and Geordie Shore star Gaz Beadle will meet and greet on Saturday.
>> Picture perfect <<
Fiona’s framing achievement
Some people choose to put up their degrees or diplomas. Others put up pictures of their idols or loved ones. Theresa May’s former advisor Fiona Hill, though – she used the space on the wall above her desk to display something much more special.When she was at the Home Office, Ms Hill kept a framed work tribunal judgement above her desk.

One which stated that she was not guilty of bullying. (Just in case any poor civil servant could’ve been mistaken…)

Fiona Hill got her start on the features desk of The Scotsman under the editorship of MailOnline supremo Martin Clarke.
>> Twisted sister <<
Playboys of summer
As talk about Neymar leaving Barcelona for PSG gets louder so the number of slightly disparaging stories about him in the Spanish sports pages increases. It’s starting to look like there’s a concerted briefing campaign to paint the Brazilian as a problem playboy, so fans don’t blame the club too much if he leaves.

But the strangest thing is that the main angle they’re taking is that he’s missed the Barcelona match closest to his sister’s birthday for the last four years (the sister, you may remember, whose face he’s had tattooed all over his arm.)

So which is it? Is he a problem playboy? Or is he a dedicated family man?

Unless they’re trying to suggest…?

This week’s Media Masters Podcast: journalist, podcaster and director Dolly Alderton, on scriptwriting for reality TV, oversharing online and having 13 good ideas before breakfast [Listen/Download on Media Focus]
>> Hmmms <<
Veg, smut, enormous hamsters
Danny Dyer being pwoper nawty
[View on Twitter]If you haven’t seen the annual veg sculptures of the Lambeth Country Show, you should.
[View on Facebook]A Chrome extension that automatically gives Liam Fox his full and correct title “Disgraced Former Defence Secretary Liam Fox”
[Get on Chrome]Lifting the lid on DJ Culture? The Secret DJ book, is out in 2018
[Pre-order on Amazon]If you only like horrible stories about Chris Martin this is not for you:
[Read on Reddit]Local News of the Week
[Read on This Is Local London]

Person dressed as panda, playing with baby pandas
[Watch on Twitter]

What a charming sounding destination!
[View on UNESCO]

Thanks to: Wally, P, RDS, A, monstris, drunken_boht, SW, el_presidente, deep_stoat, JG, PL, RS, LJ, DJ, DL, posh_duckhunter, SW, badpussy, JB, CA, intheissynoho
Old Jokes Home:
Did you hear about the sceptical wanker?
He couldn’t believe he pulled it off.Still Bored?
Ten hours of relaxing mountain sounds from Planet Earth II
[Listen on YouTube]

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