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Eurovision betting – Denmark is now odds-on. Safe way to make money or a chance to back an outsider? You choose, and claim a free matched bet with William Hill: http://bit.ly/12D54Km
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“The people who voted for me understood good music. I’m wicked” – Steve Brookstein
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|_| |_| 16.05.13 ISSUE 642
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* The circles of celebrity hell
* Will.i.am’s perfect date
* Charts: Daft Punk still number one
>> On Craig’s list <<
My name is Banned, James banned
Trolly dolly gossip says Daniel Craig has zoomed to the top of the Virgin Atlantic unpopularity stakes. Staff has been told not to ask celebs for autographs or photos after La Craig complained he was harassed.
So what happened to make him so cross? According to the flight attendants it was either when they asked if he wanted another drink. Or if he’d like his bed made up. Or if he needed a landing card.
Nathan Barley star Nicholas Burns was in a Brixton noodle bar discussing the twist in the new Star Trek movie so loudly he ruined the film for the other diners. Boo.
>> Willy Smith <<
Sexual gymnastics with Louis
No longer are footballers the target of choice for the kiss’n’tellers of this world. Not since Olympic fever took hold last year.
Someone is currently trying to shop around a story of dancing gymnast and mothers’ favourite Louis Smith. She claims that he started flirting with her over Instagram and has since progressed to sending her videos of himself wanking.
She wanted a couple of grand to her troubles, but the tabloid didn’t bite. Because of Leveson? Because he’s an unmarried 24 year old sports star who’s free to share his mucky pictures with whoever he wants? Or was it because the journos didn’t really believe she would be Louis’ type?
The Malay word for ‘vagina’ is ‘faraj’. Pronounced ‘farage’.
>> Big Questions <<
What people are asking this week
Which Apprentice contestant caused a bit of a flap as a younger lad when a pigeon flew into his school classroom one day? He kicked it round the room until it was an ex-pigeon. Still at least he gave it 110%.
(Clue: It was Myles)
Lewis Hamilton has a bulldog called Roscoe. He has a F1 paddock pass.
>> Terry’s Maul Gold <<
The circles of celebrity hell
BAD: Getting bitten in the face by a Rottweiler.
WORSE: Being hospitalised by said bite to the face, only to find your manager gleefully leaping on this as a chance to get you in the papers.
WORST: Recovering in hospital from a Rottweiler attack to the face, with your unsympathetic manager for company, to then be told that you are now “no longer famous enough” to be written about in the tabloids.
Poor Terry Coldwell from East 17.
Terry once wrote a song in East 17. A ballad, about being stuck in a painful place called “Burger Tree”. No-one could convince him he meant “purgatory”.
>> Blue eyed peas <<
Pop stars love them baby wipes
Remember that interview Will.i.am gave where he said he’s never date anyone who used toilet roll rather than wet wipes? (“Get some chocolate, wipe it on a wooden floor, and then try to get it up with some dry towels. You’re going to get chocolate in the cracks. That’s why you gotta get them baby wipes” etc.)
We think we have the perfect date for him. The lovely Duncan from Blue. On a photo shoot recently the intern on set was sent out to get baby wipes as the toilet paper in the studio was of insufficient quality.
How much does it pay to play Little Dec on Saturday Night Takeaway? Three grand for the series, we’re told.
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>> State of the Union <<
(The European Broadcast Union)
We’re always told that no-one current in the UK music industry would take part in Eurovision. Even Bonnie Tyler says she wouldn’t have chosen this song to enter if it had been her choice.
Well, why not ask the bloke who co-wrote Olympics staple, Read All About It, and Little Mix’s Wings? Songwriter Iain James said this week, “It makes me scratch my head why we put in bog standard songs with questionable acts”. And his opinion is worth something, he co-wrote Azerbaijan’s 2011 winner, Running Scared. He’s also written Belgium’s Love Kills this year which, our spies say, scored unexpectedly well in the semi.
FYI: Iain is pop royalty too – he’s married to Kelly from Liberty X and was himself in a boyband, Triple 8. Remember 2003’s top 10, Knockout?
http://bit.ly/16BogxB
Attendees of the UK’s Eurovision party at the British Embassy in Copenhagen said the Ambassador’s DVD shelves contained nothing but Scandi noir and Borgen box sets.
>> Tonight, tonight <<
What to look for in SF2?
* Armenia – written by Tony Iomma. Sadly that’s not a recommendation.
* Azerbaijan – great staging. And Farid’s latest fitness video is pretty special.
http://youtu.be/4q6w_QV612o
* Bulgaria – remember those mental drummers who came 5th in 2007? They’re back. Sadly, again, not a recommendation.
* Greece – yay! party ska with a nice chorus “Alcohol is Free”.
* Hungary – Portland-esque fey pop
* Israel – if the celeb weeklies were commenting, this singer would definitely be flaunting her curves.
* Malta – Jason Mraz wannabe. Whether that’s good or hellish is up to you. (The latter, we assume.)
* Norway – very cool Europop. We like.
* Romania – VOTE CEZAR. Oddest entry.
BETTING: Norway is short odds to win, but Azerbaijan could be a good bet, they usually score well:
http://bit.ly/13yBt76
FYI 1: We’ll update you on the Final when the running order is announced.
Skyscanner claimed flight searches from Ireland to Malmo were up 183%. UK? 33%.
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>> Barfta update <<
Danny – not the worst script
Remember Street Dance, the woeful Brit copy of Channing Tatum’s Step Up movies? Well, the people behind it are said to be trying to do a Mamma Mia style musical rom-com starring Kylie next. Someone who has read the script says it’s the worst thing she has ever read in her life.
And if this helps you make the decision to eschew the cinema to stick with TV – don’t get cocky. Chelsea’s been so successful they’re now making Made In Brixton.
Kym Marsh has got a new tattoo to honour her stillborn child Archie.
>> Tweets of the week <<
Why punctuation is important
@MissKatiePrice, 10:02am
“Wooo doing news week tonight bbc 1 xxx”
@MissKatiePrice, 10:02am
“confused with newsnight im on ‘this week’ tonight on bbc1, thats this week tonight not newsnight but tonight this week on this night tonight”
Glad she cleared that up…
The glossies this week suggest that Jen Aniston delayed her wedding so as not to clash with Brad’n’Ang’s. Yeah. Because planning a wedding has been the thing uppermost in their minds.
>> Free willy <<
Mr Humphries lives!
What with all the horrible stories of sexual assault emerging from the Yewtree investigation, it’s nice to see that the lighter side of indecent sexual misconduct hasn’t disappeared entirely.
A man was arrested last week for doing nude impressions of John Inman in a shop in Chicester. He strolled down South Street totally naked before going into a shop, yelling “I’m free!” and then hugging a member of staff and trying to touch his face.
Clint Dempsey’s favourite book is The Hobbit.
>> Hmms <<
Glitterdicks, gak, Blackburn
Presumably they haven’t read this out loud:
http://bit.ly/10yTsW1
Tony Blackburn’s autobiography rather nicely compressed:
http://bit.ly/12bNlt8
Secret arrests, free speech, Yewtree etc. Don’t be put off ‘cos it’s written by Littlejohn:
http://bit.ly/15NrLla
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Thanks to: Toaster in the Bath, AW, J, billy bowie, monstris, SG, roger_mycock, deep_stoat, woof, SG, littlepuppy, RD, hornbag, fluffy, DY, bigdog
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Old Jokes Home:
Q/ How do you drown a hipster?
A/ In the mainstream.
Still Bored?
Our office Furby reviews the new Daft Punk album:
http://bit.ly/16k003B
