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|_| |_| 11.10.12 ISSUE 614
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* Getting kinky with the Kooks
* The poor horses of Lancashire
* Charts: Swedish House Mafia are no. 1
>> Starrs and the moon <<
Hamster eater Freddie uncovered
Last Friday, 24 hours after losing his bid for an injunction to stop allegations linking him to Jimmy Savile and dressing room groping, Freddie Starr was booked to play Wolverhampton’s Wulfrun Hall, as part of his current UK tour.
And how is the tour billed?
“…Trouser droppin’ madness guaranteed.”
The Knot’s PR disaster continues… Now the director’s mother has taken to the Guardian site to berate Philip French’s review in the comments section.
>> In the shallow end <<
Reality TV formats get wetter
Thought that maybe TV execs would be running out of reality formats into which you can shoehorn celebrities? Think again.
Coming soon? Celebrity Splash. Like Strictly Come Dancing. But in a diving pool.
FYI: Dappy from N-Dubz wants to do a TV fishing show. He wants to call it “Keep Fishing Reel”.
The sound guy working on the current Will Young/Michelle Ryan revival of Cabaret is called David Beckham.
>> Big Questions <<
What people are asking this week
Which radio star and musician went into a toilet cubicle of a London members’ club together? The radio star asked his mate how much he had on him. The loud reply? “I’ve got six grams”.
Is Rylan from the X Factor a top or a bottom? (Answer: A top.)
The press contact for the Ministry of Justice’s criminal cases review commission is called Justin Hawkins.
>> Interested public <<
Public fame, private shame
In the last 18 months, we’ve been instructed time and again by the great and the good about how entirely wrong it is to look into the private lives of celebrities. That it’s never in the public interest.
And yet with these Jimmy Savile revelations we see just how much a man’s public fame, power and status can cover up private wrongdoing.
Celebrities who swarmed in on the back of the phone hacking scandal got a good hearing about their problems with press intrusion. Now that Savile has shown us the other side of their argument, hopefully the debate around press freedom can proceed with a bit more balance.
Is Ryanair really so stingy that even the pilots have to buy their own bottle of water to take on the plane? Apparently so.
>> Starring role <<
Freddie’s end of the pier show
Rotten Stall writes:
“Back in 1988 I acted as a decoy for Freddie Starr to help him avoid a baying gaggle of groupies. I was working on a pier where he was the headline act. With my blond streaked hair and red jacket (that matched the one he wore on all the posters), it was hard to tell the difference at 100 metres on a badly lit pier. I slowly walked to the front gates while he escaped through a side exit. However, those groupies were all at least 50 years old and high on Asti Spumante and HRT patches. It was quite a scary moment as their disappointment turned to anger and I was quite relieved that a couple of the doormen happened to be leaving at the same time.”
Harry Styles seems to have brought the 17 year old out in Natalie Imbruglia. Most amusing new rumour from the Corden wedding hints at a handjob in the bogs.
>> Jim bits <<
Still waiting for the morgue story
Rumours about Savile’s groping and feeling-up hospital patients have been confirmed. So just the gangland connections and trips to the morgue to come out and our Rev Goatboy would have a full set!
In the meantime, here are some more:
* Jerry Sadowitz, back in late 80s; “That’s why he does all the charity work. To gain public sympathy for when his case comes up.” Psychic and brilliant. Listen:
http://bit.ly/PpPsIe
* Is Butlins selling Jimmy Savile dolls?
http://bit.ly/VUdlJB
* People at Russell Howard’s Good News show have been grumbling about the BBC cutting out their Jimmy Savile jokes.
FYI: One of the best things told to us last year by someone at Leeds General – “One of the radiographers had a withered hand with small stumps instead of fingers. Savile loved to hold her hand and stroke them.”
FYI 2: Usually the first person to pop up when women are accusing celebrities of sex acts is Max Clifford. Seems wrong he’s not got a look in yet this time.
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Now Jingle Jangle Jimmy Savile’s headstone has gone, knighthood to follow, what would you have on yours? Tell us for a chance to win exclusive prizes from dark comedy Up There:
http://www.uptherethegame.co.uk/
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>> Feeling horse <<
Why the long face?
While Scarborough and Leeds steady themselves for more Savile-related allegations, the men of Lancashire appear to have an eye for a different type of filly this Autumn.
1. A Polish man in Oswaldtwistle was put on the sex offender list after nobbing a horse. The horse’s owner was annoyed he didn’t get a stronger sentence, but perhaps the judge took into account eyewitness reports that said the man was seen feeding horses and “rubbing them in an affectionate manner” before starting intercourse. Like a perfect gentleman.
2. A Blackburn man was caught behaving in what was described as “an overly familar manner” towards a foal. He claimed he didn’t feel anything sexual towards horses but just liked their company.
3. A Burnley man was caught with an extreme pornographic image on his computer involving horses. Oh, and 50 photos of child porn. And we’re sort of back to Savile.
A musical version of King Kong is being staged in Melbourne next summer, with music created by Justice, The Avalanches and Massive Attack.
>> Kinks and Kooks <<
Not all stars prefer teenagers
LM Writes:
“My 21 year old niece is visiting from the US. Last month she met her idol strolling through Soho. She has been a huge fan of the Kooks for years, so ran after him and asked for a photo. He obliged, was very charming and took her out to different bars. They ended back at his flat and thats where he got his way with her.
“She waited two weeks for him to call, like he promised, but instead she received a text from him saying ‘I want to get naughty… want to dress you up in a school uniform’. She declined as she is ‘not that type of girl’.”
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>> Purple prose <<
The drugs do work
The USA Anti-Doping Agency’s release of papers relating to Lance Armstrong’s doping career make for
extraordinary reading:
“David Zabriskie, a five-time national time-trial champion, recalled serenading Johan Bruyneel, the longtime team manager, with a song about EPO, to the tune of Jimi Hendrix’s Purple Haze.
“‘EPO all in my veins ; Lately things just don’t seem the same; Actin’ funny, but I don’t know why; ‘Scuse me while I pass this guy’.”
Sadie Frost will live a healthy lifestyle if she stays with James Gooding. He likes to make sure his girlfriends get at least five portions of fruit and veg inside them.
>> Animal Round-Up <<
Our furry friends this month
1. Brooklyn residents have called a Raccoon Summit next Wednesday to try to stop the little critters making part of the neighbourhood no good areas. One resident claimed her Maltese terrier, Snowball, was too terrified to go outside any more. Snowball – you’re a big jessie.
2. Four lemurs were detained at Gatwick Airport, stopped from boarding a flight to Necker Island. Naughty lemurs!
3. Move over Cheetah, the otters are coming! Anang And Zoosh, who live at Great Lakes Aquarium, Minnesota, have started painting. Anang, the girl otter, apparently has some talent. Zoosh just makes pawprints. You can buy otter art from $5:
http://abcn.ws/Rz9BIq
4. So what was Obama’s problem last week at the debate? Two words: no llama. Bring back the 2008 Obama llama.
Lord Ashcroft was refused entry to the Sky party at Conservative Party Conference. (To his credit he created no fuss. The door girl apologised and he just wandered off.)
>> Greylord gold <<
Oldies always the goodies
Most unexpected names found in this week’s mailbag. Who/what next?
5/ Bobby Ball
4/ Mike Read
3/ Pete Murray
2/ Noel Edmonds
1/ Rolf Harris
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Don’t you just love the smell of a freshly groomed badger? Of course you do sausage chops! Brainbox Candy have got some lovely new shizzle here just for you Barbara, Mungo, Derek or whatever you name might be http://www.brainboxcandygallery.com
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>> Hmmms <<
Colony, horse, NFL
Watching people watching their horses lose is never not funny:
http://bit.ly/RhJB6Z
Governor Rick Scott means to promote a meningitis helpline, instead reads out the number for a phone sex line:
http://bit.ly/ULex2S
Sophie Parkin’s new book on the Colony Room is sounding pretty good:
http://bit.ly/QeWVqB
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Thanks to: SW, LB, JD, thegingerprince, SDW, DGC, SG, GF, Boggerboy, bobbifleckmann, rev_goatboy, B, H
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Old Jokes Home:
Apparently the Newcastle Utd squad are upset about the new Wonga shirt sponsorship. But Alan Pardew told them it’s not important, as long as they just get out on the pitch and give 4,175 percent.
Still Bored:
“Bee pollen extracted by Transylvanian monks… distilled stones, lichen and clay” – stupidest/funniest bar review of the year:
http://bit.ly/ULgV9z