When 3 Become 1

We’d heard that Jon from S Club 7 was telling the guys he hooks up with these days that he was a farmer, but we always figured that it was just a cover story so he didn’t have to tell people he was Jon from S Club 7.

We were wrong though. Jon actually has been working at a farm in Surrey, although he recently made the decision to hand in his notice – not long after his favourite llama had to be put down.

Ahead of his support slot for Take That at the O2 this week, Rick Astley booked a hairdresser’s appointment in Greenwich to get his quiff looking just so.

He clearly didn’t book under his own name though, as when he sat down the first thing his stylist asked him was if anyone had ever told him that he looked like Rick Astley.

FYI: Rick was later overheard explaining to the stylist that his hair wasn’t dyed, it really was that colour.

Which serious journalist has an equally serious kink: pissing in their pants, peeling them off, then popping them into their mouth before getting shagged?

There aren’t many playwrights working today that the public would recognise. Phoebe Waller-Bridge is one of them. Martin McDonagh? Not quite…

The pair of them were on a flight together recently when a stranger who recognised PWB popped over to say how much they loved her, before clocking McDonagh and saying “Oh, wait. You’re famous too, aren’t you?”

McDonagh told them that he sort of was, yeah, before the stranger started gushing over him too, saying “I can’t believe it’s you! Are you two a couple? Oh my god!”

However, it quickly became clear that the stranger had mistaken him for someone else. To his credit, McDonagh played along rather than correct them and ended things by telling them “I’m glad you like my music so much.”

Turns out they thought he was Sting.

If Geri’s people are still reading Popbitch, could you set up some sort of conference calling software on her phone? Because she’s been having a devil of a time trying to figure out how to properly connect with the other Spice Girls.

Ahead of their reunion tour, Geri’s been spotted trying to set up three-way conversations with two of her bandmates, but has been unable to figure out how to get them both on the line at the same time. Her workaround? To FaceTime them each on a different phone, then hold those two phones up with their screens facing so that they could all talk together.

Fouling up the scene at Soho Farmhouse this bank holiday weekend? David Cameron, who was spotted whooping it up on the dancefloor there.

One fellow guest made her way up to him, her hand outstretched, offering him a great big “Thank you…” until she got his attention.

Then she switched gears and shouted “…FOR BREXIT, YOU WANKER. HOW FUCKIN’ DARE YOU TURN UP HERE!”

Notes from a celebrity washing machine technician:
– Alastair Campbell’s an arse
– Tessa Jowell was really nice
– David Ginola’s packing some extra timber these days
– Everyone who enters Kate Moss’s house has to sign an NDA

Done any work in a celebrity house? hello@popbitch.com

George Osborne has a nickname around the Evening Standard office: “Workie”.

Is it because he’s such a dedicated grafter, always ready to roll up his sleeves and get down to business? A gentle ribbing, perhaps, at the fact he splits his time between so many other jobs, fellowships and advisory positions?

Erm, no. It’s because staff there think he’s about as useful as the average posho work experience kid they get in.

It’s no real surprise that Ricky Gervais became such a virtuosic self-searcher on Twitter. He was honing his skills in the real world long before social media was ever a thing.

Writers for a showbiz news service remember vividly taking calls from Gervais’s people every time they ran a story on him. Not because they were diligently interested in their client’s profile, but because Ricky would make them, standing in on the calls and telling them what to say while they were on the line – occasionally grabbing the phone and having a go at the writers himself.

Rehearsals are underway for this year’s Eurovision and it’s looking to be as reliably bonkers as ever. There’s wobbling Aussie opera ghosts. There’s on-stage laser heart surgery. And, of course, Iceland’s growling electro pervs Hatari are in fine voice.

We’re currently putting the finishing touches on our annual Eurovision guide and will send it out on Tuesday in plenty of time for the evening’s first semi-final.

In the meantime, here’s a video of this year’s German entrant in her early days as a child star, singing a child-friendly reworking of Alcazar’s Crying At The Discotheque…

[Hear ‘Ich Will In Die Disco Gehen’]

The Petr Cech/Roger Taylor single we told you about last week?
[Here you go…]

Hear us on this episode of We Need To Talk About… discussing the state of the modern celebrity industry
[Listen on Spotfy]

A coffee cup designed to conceal your can of booze, cc: Diane Abbott
[See the Trinken Lid]

Woman tries to eat an octopus; octopus tries to eat her back
[The stuff of genuine nightmares!]

Local Human News Of The Week
[Read on York Press]

Local Animal News Of The Week
[Read on Somerset County Gazette]

The most unholy musical instrument every brought into existence: the bird box recorder
[See on YouTube]

Still Bored?
There’s a couple of tables left for the Popbitch Popquiz next Tuesday (May 14th). Bar tabs, theatre tickets and more to be won! Smiths Of Smithfield, Farringdon. 7:30pm.
[Get your tickets now]