Sign up here to get the email every Thursday • Email address:
Jewellery - to make you even more AWESOME. [link]

post new message

Reality TV Gonk

From TOWIE doesn't answer his phone at 3am. Is reported missing via a press release, then texts his Dad back at 7am, 'panic' over. Hmm what's missing here then, is there a demand for chubby whiny voiced males in the slave trade?

soapy_handerton 8:47, reply

nice t-shirt Kevin Hart

oh god...

fo_shizzle 10:37, reply

Liz Jones, explorer has written

probably her best xenophobic rant yet. She also implies that Ebola can be caught from aeroplane carpets if you stand barefoot on them. Apols for the DM link. tinyurl.com/Lizjoneswitch

Also, does the Paul Ross reveal mean there is any truth to the old rumour about him and the (married) Brit rocker who has many transvestite friends dating back to the 80s?

soapy_handerton 11:53, reply

"None of them speaks English"

This is like sitting down next a fetid, ranting tramp who turns out to be your mum.

bad_horsey 10:30, reply

The fat fuck can barely find his way to the end of a sentence

let alone the right airport.

rogermoore 10:04, reply

Is this you, RogerMoore poster?

plasticflamingo 8:59, reply

Deadpool update

Hope you have oxygen thieving bigot Joan Rivers on it. The end is nye for the botoxed bitch.

desperatehouseflies 17:14, reply

She already has a dual plot reserved for her at Forest Lawn

Alongside her career, laygennlemen.

bad_horsey 8:03, reply

I'm not sure she's biodegradable

spank_daley 14:23, reply

It's been heavily debated.

gordonsalive 10:18, reply

See also: practically all other celeb chefs

Apart from James Martin (mostly interested in classic cars and expensive watches) and Mary Berry (granny bling). There's a certain TV chef who allegedly has the wanderiest hands of all...

mount_st_nobody 15:31, reply

It is he.

cerealrapist 17:42, reply

But aren't all his shows on a different channel?

Why would they be warning BBC staff? Does he have very long arms?

deep_stoat 19:31, reply

"sniff my fingers"

spank_daley 12:10, reply

?

plasticflamingo 11:14, reply

majicman 12:23, reply

rogermoore 12:32, reply

Thank god for the guardian. At least that place is free from public school Oxbrige cunts.

Oh.

Martin Kettle / Leeds Modern School (Grammar) / Balliol College, Oxford.

George Monbiot / Stowe (fees per term Day UKP7500 / Boarding UKP10325) / father was a prominent Tory, mother was daughter of a Tory MP and a Tory councillor

/ Brasenose College, Oxford (Zoology)

Jonathan Freedland / University College Independent School, Hampstead (per term UKP5720) - Son of a former journalist / Wadham College, Oxford

Catherine Bennett / Lawnswood High School / Hertford College, Oxford.

Zoe Williams / Godolphin and Latymer Girls School (per term UKP5760) 

/ Lincoln College, Oxford (Modern History)

Tanya Gold / Kingston Grammar School (Independent - admission by exam and interview) / Merton College, Oxford

Marina Hyde / ? / Christ Church, Oxford (English)

Bidisha Bandyopadhyay / Haberdashers' Aske's Independent School for Girls (admission by exam and interview) / St Edmund Hall, Oxford (Old and Middle English, LSE (MSc in Moral and Political Philosophy and Economic History)

Emily Bell / ? / Christ Church College, Oxford (Jurisprudence)

Peter Bradshaw / The Haberdashers' Aske's Independent Boys' School (admission by exam and interview) / Pembroke College, Cambridge (English)

David Mitchell / Abingdon School Oxford est. 1100 (per term Day UKP5290 / Boarder UKP11180) / Peterhouse, Cambridge (History)

Riazat Butt / ? / /A. N. Other College, Oxford

David Shariatmadari / ? / King's College, Cambridge

Timothy Garton-Ash / Sherborne School est 1550 (per term Day UKP8545 / Boarder UKP10555) / St. Antony's College, Oxford (Modern History)

Simon Tisdall / Holland Park School (generally receives 1000 applicants for its 240 places a year) / Downing College, Cambridge (History, Politics and Philosophy)

Jane Martinson / ? / A. N. Other College, Cambridge (English)

John Hooper / St Benedict's Independent School, London (per tern UKP4450)

/ St Catharines College, Cambridge

Ian Black / ? / A.N. Other College, Cambridge

Sam Leith / Eton College (per term UKP11090) / son of journalist Penny Junor / Magdalen College, Oxford

Peter Preston / Loughborough Grammar School est 1495 (per term Day UKP3575 / Boarder UKP7705) / John's College, Oxford

Andrew Rawnsley / Lawrence Sheriff School (selective boy's grammar) / Sidney Sussex College, Cambridge (History)

Simon Jenkins / Mill Hill School est 1807 (per term Day UKP5948 Boarder UKP9398) / St John's College, Oxford (PPE)

Alexander Chancellor / Eton College (per term UKP11090) / Trinity Hall, Cambridge

Alan Rusbridger / Cranleigh Independent Boarding School (per term UKP10610) / Magdalene College, Cambridge (Eng Lit)

Richard Norton-Taylor / Kings School, Canterbury (per term Day UKP8090 Boarder UKP10745) / Hertford College, Oxford

Clare Armitstead / boarding school / St Hilda's College, Oxford (English)

Janine Gibson / Walthamstow Hall Independent School for Girls (per term UKP5470) / St John's College, Oxford (Eng Lit)

Martin Wainwright / Shrewsbury School Independent School est 1552 (per term Day UKP7100 Boarder UKP10140) / Merton College, Oxford

Victoria Coren / She attended various girls' independent schools from the ages of 5 to 18 / St. John's College, Oxford (English)

Nick Cohen / Altrincham Grammar School for Boys est 1912 (admission by exam and interview) / Hertford College, Oxford (PPE)

Ben Goldacre / ? / Magdalen College, Oxford (Medicine)

Seumas Milne / Winchester College Independent School of Boys est 1382 (per term Boarder UKP11250) / Balliol College, Oxford (PPE)

Rowenna Davis / Hampstead School (Comp) est 1862 / Balliol College, Oxford (PPE)

Hadley Freeman / She attended a boarding school in Cambridge / St Anne's College, Oxford (Eng Lit)

Paul Lewis / ? / King's College, Cambridge

John Harris / Wilmslow High School formally Wilmslow County Grammar School / Queen's College, Oxford (PPE)

Madeleine Bunting / ? / Corpus Christi College, Cambridge (History)

Jackie Ashley / Rosebery Grammar School for Girls / St Anne's College, Oxford (PPE)

Polly Toynbee / Badminton Independent School for Girls est 1858 (per term Day UKP5640 Boarder UKP9950) then Holland Park School / St Anne's College, Oxford (with one A level, dropped out) (History)

Geoffrey Wheatcroft / University College Independent School, Hampstead ((per term UKP5720) / New College, Oxford (Modern History)

Bryony Worthington, Baroness Worthington / ? / Queens' College, Cambridge (Eng Lit)

Hon. Tristram Hunt / University College Independent School, Hampstead ((per term UKP5720) / Trinity College, Cambridge (Hist, Latin, Eng Lit)

Michael Billington / Warwick Independent School est 914 (this is not a typo) (per term Boarding UKP12402) / St Catherine's College, Oxford

Tom Clarke / ? / A. N. Other College, Oxford

Amelia Gentleman / St. Paul's Independent Day Girls School (?) (per term UKP7056) / Oxbridge (?)

deep_stoat 10:45, reply

Well, that was money well spent...

...By the Toynbee household. Given that you splash the cash so your otherwise average sprog can be hothoused (look at Dave Cameron, the Princes etc.), it seems La Toynbee was seriously thick as two short planks. Naturally, she got into Oxford after 'writing' an essay that demonstrated that she really wasn't a thicko at all (oh no), but these hidden talents seemed to have deserted her, leading to Toynbee's being rusticated. (As in, told to fuck off.)

BTW, there is also at least one Grauniad sub editor whose full-time duty is translating Toynbee's drivel into semi-legible copy. Again, money well spent.

changeroftheways 21:33, reply

Don't forget new boys

Owen Jones (University College, Oxford) and Archie Bland (Winchester and Emmanuel College, Cambridge)

damon_love 13:14, reply

And of course virtual staff member (she might as well be the amount of cunting articles they get her to write) Joise Long

Newstead Wood School for Girls and LMH, Oxford (English).

deep_stoat 13:28, reply

In my experience, Archie Bland gets very touchy when you point out his education.

plasticflamingo 13:30, reply

Not after all that time cutting up the half time oranges.

plasticflamingo 16:40, reply

Camil*a Wr*ght,

Plymouth High School for Girls (DHSG?), grammar school. Oriel College, Oxford. (PPE).

hack_daniels 12:17, reply

Ooommf

gordonsalive 13:46, reply

Is that a chip I see

on your shoulder?

pink_oboe 11:12, reply

No

It's a haddock for twatting pricks like you around the head.

gordonsalive 11:23, reply

Laura Haddock?

majicman 12:32, reply

Rosamund Pike?

rogermoore 12:58, reply

Darius Guppy?

deep_stoat 13:05, reply

Michael...er...Fish?

plasticflamingo 13:29, reply

Pfft. Newbie.

The correct next stage is, of course, Rebecca De Mornay

rogermoore 13:50, reply

Jean Shrimpton?

majicman 14:17, reply

MONKFISH

gordonsalive 14:11, reply

Ethal Merman.

Win.

deep_stoat 14:20, reply

Oi! Put your knickers on Ethel and...

...make me a cup of tea!

majicman 14:18, reply

Good work Goldie Lookin' Chain getting on Radio 4 this morning

Thought I was still asleep when I heard GLC on the Today programme (no I didn't really, I was driving, but you know what I mean). Wasn't that "Newport State Of Mind" they played before they interviewed Eggsie from the GLC though, which is not by the GLC, even though "everyone" thinks it is?

I only turned on part way through so maybe I missed something.

UPDATE:I missed something Eggsy says.

pauly 8:43, reply

Newport State of Mind was written and directed by M.J. Delaney, who is from London rather than wales

and of course went to cunting Oxford, and has managed to work one half funny comedy skit into a career. She was doing a TED talk about a month after the video came out, was always in the cunting guardian, and then went on to make a feature film. Given that people who've worked with her say she's a complete bitch I can only assume she has some very good dirt on someone powerful. Or her best friend from college now runs the BFI.

deep_stoat 10:51, reply

GLC Released a parody of the parody, called You're Not From Newport

EDIT the url link didn't work, you need to do youtube links. Now go and sit at the back of the class.

plasticflamingo 10:00, reply

I think this is better...

7zark7 21:13, reply

"Well, Kate Bush has let herself go" Camilla Long (@camillalong) August 26, 2014

rogermoore 9:39, reply

Camilla is a brave crusading journalist

recently recounting in ST Style that she attended a spin class, led "by a camp fatty" Next week at the Bloomsbury Nuffield centre, a spin instructor asked one blonde woman, "Are you Camilla Long?" She was. "Did you write that I was a camp fatty?" Er, no, stammered Long. "Yes, you did", replied CF, and cranked the music up for an extra painful session.

celtiagirl 14:35, reply

Frosty reception.

Camilla certainly has form.

www.thegua ... an-rushdie

rockit99 10:28, reply

She worked hard under Witherow

When he left the Sunday for the daily he traded her in.

damon_love 13:20, reply

She also seems to have rubbed Gary Lineker up the wrong

way at some stage. Twitter back-and-forth suggests he thinks she made racist comments about his wife, or something.

hack_daniels 15:26, reply

I'm not sure who you are thinking of

but Gary is a happily married family man.

thebestnameshavegone 22:34, reply

I think that's the point. They're all happily married.

That's nice for the neighbours, Paul!

dawnsyndrome 8:45, reply

?

EDIT; needs "sausaging"

rogermoore 17:42, reply

spank_daley 9:33, reply

I wonder if she makes 'truffling' type noises when she gets excited.

plasticflamingo 9:51, reply

She is married to David Long

Lovely fellow. She also has a terrific pair of norks. David started his career at Forum magazine and has worked his way upwards.

powermaster 11:48, reply

She has a florid complexion.

And those huge udders that many Englishwomen possess.

dawnsyndrome 21:04, reply

It says on her Wikipedia page that she is a 'scion of the aristocratic Clinton family'. Is this in the same way that half of the population of New York is Irish?

plasticflamingo 22:16, reply

Whatevs.

She looks like a young Martin Clunes.

dawnsyndrome 8:40, reply

arf.

It's so true.

deep_stoat 10:41, reply

DL is essentially a successful version of Ed Reardon

(celebrity cats, cars, Armando Ianucci's Carpathian Walks...) and is indeed a likeable man. A colleague was at Oxford with Camilla and reveals that she was well-liked and a good laugh. So no news there. Can someone go round and have a look at their exterior woodwork?

john_lewis_partnership 14:01, reply

I can report that it looks like she's had her back door kicked in.

Frequently.

rogermoore 14:57, reply

Dickie Died. Oh.

plasticflamingo 13:23, reply

BREAKING NEWS

Jayne Middlemass currently hogging 3 (three) chairs in Starbucks by dumping her bags on them and pretending to anyone who asks that they're taken. The absolute fucking cow.

deep_stoat 15:33, reply

You should have sat in the spare seat

and just stared at her.

whats_the_beef_chief 20:42, reply

In her defence...

... those bags are probably her entire belongings, and she's quite possibly homeless having not worked more than 5 days a year since 2003.

7zark7 20:27, reply

She's always had it in for you, hasn't she?

Cow.

plasticflamingo 16:07, reply

have

mr_e_mann 17:06, reply

You sure you don't mean this one?

deep_stoat 17:35, reply

I wouldn't know her if I fell on top of her

fayekorgazm 16:03, reply

She inspired me to a few hardback newspapers

back in her tit model days

spank_daley 16:07, reply

She had a cracking pair, that's for sure

deep_stoat 16:18, reply

You don't get too many of those to the pound, eh? [buffs cortina]...

plasticflamingo 16:57, reply

I was very much touched by Dickie's Ghandi.

dawnsyndrome 10:35, reply

MOBY DICK SHOEHORN: I hear tell that Kate Bush will be providing her own whale song tonight.

And will perform from a floatation tank so nobody can see her body. I'll let y'all know *waves tickets in face*.

dawnsyndrome 12:06, reply

She did. She was packing, but totally ROCKED THE FUCK OUT

She really didn't disappoint. She did the Painter's Link with Bertie as Rolf! ROFL!!

dawnsyndrome 9:49, reply

I'm going next Friday

So I expect her to get stage fright and cancel the rest of the shows next Thursday.

deep_stoat 11:34, reply

i was going tonight, i think

but i broke up with the woman who had my ticket, my GBP130 ticket. so now i'm not going, at all. but i'm cheered by the reviews - it sounds REALLY boring. four songs i could hum, with a gun at my head.

__________ 16:34, reply

Don't be bitter

It's most unbecoming

dawnsyndrome 20:56, reply

I am really sorry to write this ___________________

but you are a complete loser.

powermaster 16:43, reply

not at all, powermasterrrrrrrr

i've saved on train tickets, venue booze and a kate bush baseball cap. i'm probably actually up on the deal, overall.

__________ 17:01, reply

pst.......

you forgot the price of a pot noodle and tissues

powermaster 12:21, reply

Woohoo - I'm off to Kate Bush tonight as well now.

Wasn't expecting it at all, but I shagged this bird last night and it turns out she had a spare ticket as she'd just split up with her boyfriend. She said the reason was he had a tiny penis, and was probably gay. And a paedo.

deep_stoat 20:02, reply

Did you wear your red velvet dress?

dawnsyndrome 8:47, reply

Hah!

car_snow_gin 22:42, reply

And I thought that was a pair of foxes behind the wheelie bins.

plasticflamingo 22:10, reply

WOW

dawnsyndrome 12:36, reply

She needs to sort out her wooden gates

Outside her Reading home. They are rotten. All it takes is some brushing in wood preserver. Rolf could do that. OH. EDIT : can't spell for toffee.

fayekorgazm 14:02, reply

She uses that home as an ashtray.

She scuttles around this one now...

dawnsyndrome 8:44, reply

Whereas Christine McVie's privet is immaculate

Jan Leeming's got the builders in, btw

agnetha 17:36, reply

Sarah Raven's window frames are similarly a disgrace

The place looks derelict

john_lewis_partnership 14:31, reply

Jimmy White's gates are always kept in excellent order.

Proper celeb.

deep_stoat 16:46, reply

Gud luk wiv da English exam, bruv!

plasticflamingo 14:20, reply

In the making of Shadowlands they filmed the scene with Anthony Hopkins at the bedside of the dying Debra Winger. A tense and moving scene, the set had a stripped down crew and a reverential hush as Hopkins delivered his lines. As they finished filming the exasperated sound man cursed and complained that there was an odd background noise ruining the take. The actors and crew turned to find Dickie trying and failing to stifle tears and weeping

rogermoore 13:37, reply

i hope they gave him a kicking

filming's a long and arduous enough process, without some old ham sobbing up the soundtrack.

__________ 14:59, reply

She dies?

deep_stoat 14:37, reply

Speaking of being dead (to us)

Perennial Popbitch pinata Rafe has had another prediction come true: Mariah and her husband have split up. If you recall, she said it wouldn't last as Mariah was too demanding. Ironically in the couple of years that this has taken to happen, Rafe's husband has dumped her.

soapy_handerton 17:10, reply

Rafe is Mariah?

Of course, now it makes sense...

deep_stoat 17:11, reply

I for one refuse to believe that Mariah is too demanding!

malicious gossip

powermaster 17:37, reply

Mariah the hod carrier

Mariah has her own lighting people for promos & interviews. Without good lighting the fact that she has the shoulders of a busy hod carrier is obvious

lennie 8:52, reply

Sod Mariah,

the last time we heard about Rafe, she had been exposed as an obsessive internet stalker.

plasticflamingo 14:25, reply

... who is currently embroiled in a court case

May be worth editing that post

rogermoore 15:20, reply

My absolute fave Rafe rant...

www.bitter ... ares/54874

(including)...

You are a bunch of crass morons. I was privately educated at one of the finest ladies colleges, I have a degree and many famous friends including Geri Halliwell, who are you to criticize me?

powermaster 5:49, reply

I refuse to believe that's genuine

thebestnameshavegone 0:26, reply

That. Is. Fantastic.

deep_stoat 10:58, reply

Arr

Someone post the link to that one where she claimed to have attended The Sorbonne, but called it 'The Sorebom in Paris'

soapy_handerton 17:08, reply

Nah, it'll be alright

thebestnameshavegone 22:35, reply

"Allegedly"

stan2a10shun 19:12, reply

And Canadians are fucking morons

deep_stoat 13:34, reply

curlywurly 8:20, reply

the redneck hillbillies.

they clearly have no concept of what a 'selfie' is

car_snow_gin 14:19, reply

It's Doctor Who tomorrow,

with lizard-on-girl kissing. The reliably shit Lizo Mzimba has already managed to piss off Peter Capaldi with an interview where he harped on about the decision to go with such an "elderly" new Doctor, and constantly mispronounced Capaldi's name. When Mzimba tried to grab Capaldi a few days later for a red carpet chat, Capaldi signed autographs throughout and refused to look at Mzimba. Och, it's small beer but LM is developing a rep for needlessly cocking up his very easy gig as BBC Entertainment corr. They put him on News24 to obit Rik Mayall, where he repeatedly said Mayall had his quad accident in the 80s. Obviously that wasn't the case - and so easy to fact-check. Especially since Mzimba must remember the 80s from the first time. Born in 1968, he's a "middle-aged" 45.

celtiagirl 11:31, reply

Mzzzzzzzzzimba

I was at University with him at the start of the 90s. He was editor of the student paper at the time and had changed his course (of study) many times in order to prolong his time at Uni. Much like Van Wilder party liaison. Just without the sex. But maybe not the dog spunk

chestrockwell 14:00, reply

I remember when U2 played Glastonbury, and their tax avoidance was all over the news...

... LM had an interview with them, and of course didn't ask about the tax issue at all. Probably because the press officer told him not to. First class journalist.

7zark7 15:58, reply

Doctor W.H.O.

The time-honoured 'fist bump' greeting is rapidly on the decline; instead, middle-class kids from Brentwood who have watched Attack The Block too many times (ie once) yout('h) who subscribe to the gangsta way of life are instead adopting the 'Kinshasa Handshake', a mode of greeting that originated during the first outbreaks of Ebola in Zaire. This involves bumping elbows to allow minimum body contact. Expect rapid adoption of this by hipster types at this year's carnival who, despite displaying many of the symptoms following ingestion of a four-times-rewarmed goat curry, are sadly unlikely to die of a filovirus. Unless they spend their gap year in Africa (or, indeed, County Donegal.

bad_horsey 14:10, reply

Is there a new doctor who on?

The BBC certainly failed to mention it.

car_snow_gin 19:30, reply

They even commissioned a Brett Domino Dr Who song

Paying Rob more for the 'exclusive rights' to the one song than he received for his BBC comedy pilot. Played it once on Blue Peter and that was it; his pilot featured on the iPlayer for a year.

soapy_handerton 21:52, reply

Maybe you'll be in luck...

... and there'll be an ISIS stage at carnival this year.

7zark7 16:00, reply

Heads would roll

bad_horsey 9:19, reply

I like these two posts

thebestnameshavegone 13:31, reply

Today's threads