Boarding School Beef

How did Boris Johnson spend Tuesday, ahead of his appearance in front of the Partygate Privileges Committee? He was spotted holed up in his lawyers’ offices on Fetter Lane.

The firm in which Boris has placed his trust (and a nice wedge of taxpayers’ cash) is Peters & Peters. And who might they be?

According to an established industry registry, they’re listed as one of London’s Tier One firms for “Fraud: White-Collar Crime (Advice To Individuals)”.

As we warned you last month, perpetual horndog Rupert Murdoch is getting married again.

Whenever Rupert’s love life is in the news, we usually get a bit of mileage out of running the old story about his kids learning the ins and outs of Daddy’s sex life because they’d synced their FitBits for a family fitness challenge – and so were informed every time he engaged in some after-hours “activity” with his latest girlfriend.

What with him getting divorced and married so often these days though, the story is losing its novelty.

Still, some good news for the randy old bugger: his next wife seems up for a little role-play. She and her former husband, Chester Smith, once released a country album called “Captured By Love”. On the cover, she’s dressed up in a combination vicar-police officer outfit, apprehending her man – who appears to be dressed as… Prince?

Sexy!

Which septuagenarian TV producer has been combatting the effects of old age by getting himself a nice pair of pec implants? (He’s so impressed with the results, he tells everyone all about them.)

There’s been a swell of stories about increasing bad behaviour in theatres on Broadway and in the West End recently. It started in February with an article in Playbill that was hastily deleted because the editor was scared it would put New Yorkers off visiting the theatre.

Fleet Street saw it and upped the ante by running a bunch of stories about how drunken audiences were the bane of West End productions too: getting hammered, starting fights and – as one woman did – hoiking up her skirt to flash her minge at the cast.

New York has taken a while to respond, but a story broke this week that someone took a shit in the aisle of the Schubert Theatre during a production of Some Like It Hot, near to where Hillary and Chelsea Clinton were sat. Theatre staff say it is the fourth incident of its type in recent months.

Can London reclaim the crown? We’ve heard a story about a couple getting ejected from a box for shagging to Thriller Live! The Michael Jackson Musical, and a few about poor ushers having to pick up pint glasses filled with puke after shows – but we can’t let the Yanks win this one. We have an international reputation for carnage to uphold.

West End Wendies! Send us your horror stories hello@popbitch.com

The Harry Kane Foundation got itself a nice little bit of press this week, getting shortlisted for one of the Smiley Charity Film Awards.

It was nominated in the “Charity With A Turnover Between £100K-350K” category.

Or, as Harry would know it: a week’s wages.

Rumours were bound to start spreading the second Zac Goldsmith and his wife announced they were separating, but the rumour we’re currently most interested in is one we heard recently about his expulsion from Eton.

The official line on it was that cannabis was found in his room. Zac has always disputed this, saying on that particular occasion he actually had no cannabis – but concedes Eton was right to kick him out nevertheless.

Weirdly magnanimous of him to fall on his sword over a false claim like that with no fuss, but maybe the cannabis story provides him some useful cover. Because there’s a story from around the same time at Eton that involves some drunken posh-boy japes that got out of hand one night – and resulted in the untimely death of a cow.

The recent Stock Aitken Waterman documentary on Channel 5 was filled with excellent insights and interviews from most of the stable’s stars – from Kylie Minogue, to Jason Donovan, to Rick Astley. Not everyone got a go in the spotlight though.

Strangely, there was no mention whatsoever of Mandy Smith. Could it be that someone in production got cold feet about revisiting her story? The bit where she signed for PWL at the tender age of 16 perhaps?

Explaining the fact that she was best known at the time for having dated Rolling Stone Bill Wyman for three years was probably quite dicey too. Or maybe they were worried a post-Yewtree audience wouldn’t find it so funny that the songs Stock, Aitken and Waterman gave her for her debut album all had titles like I Just Can’t Wait, If It Makes You Feel Good and Victim Of Pleasure.

FYI: One of Mandy Smith’s tracks – Stay With Me Tonight – was credited to “Dick Spatsley”. Which was the pseudonym of Rick Astley.

Manhattan media WhatsApp groups have been creaking back into life in anticipation of the new series of Succession. It’s become something of a sport for various figures who know the Murdochs to watch the series together, texting each other about whether or not they think Rupert would handle himself the way Logan Roy does each week.

Here’s a little something for them to chew on in advance of Sunday’s season premiere. At the real life Fox News/News Corp HQ in New York, a mysterious new wireless network has started appearing on devices.

One named “Shiv Newsstand”.

91 year old football dinosaur Ken Bates is back in the news this week, on new podcast The Blueprint which charts the history of Chelsea FC since Bates sold it. The tale of Roman Abramovich’s purchase has been everywhere this week but Bates’ comments on Matthew Harding ought to get a bigger airing.

Chelsea director Matthew Harding was a fan favourite but famously fell out with Bates, who had brought him in to invest in the club, before dying in a helicopter crash in 1996 on the way back from a game at Bolton Wanderers.

Time has not reduced the animosity. On being asked if he regretted naming a stand at Stamford Bridge after Harding, Bates’ answer is “Everyone makes mistakes”.

Bates goes on to lay the blame for the crash squarely at Harding’s feet. Not only did he choose a pilot that had been used the week before by Tony Blair (heretical in the eyes of Bates, an arch Thatcherite) but he goes on to accuse Harding of being a skinflint, choosing a low cost helicopter and pilot because “Matthew always looked for something on the cheap”.

Last week, we were giggling about the unintended dual messaging on Self Esteem’s FREE GARY T-shirt: worn in support of Gary Lineker; unfortunately timed with the reincarceration of Gary Glitter.

There’s a third reading of that slogan though. “Gary” is a Northern colloquialism for “pill”, after Liverpool and Everton defender Gary Ablett (= “tablet”). So hopefully she didn’t disappoint too many people if she wore it last night for her gig in Manchester.

Lemurs eating flowers
[Spring is here!]

Sofia Coppola’s daughter’s short-lived TikTok career
[Nepo babies are good now]

A live puppy cam for National Puppy Day
[A dose of cute]

Why cars, coffee shops, cities and everything all look the same these days
[The Age Of Average]

What kind of house do you get for being Coldplay’s manager?
[This one]

Why are all action heroes called Jack, John, James or Jason?
[Slate investigates]

Meet the Secret Society of People Who Piss in the Sink
[Read on Rolling Stone]

Feel-Good Story Of The Week: Icelandic Town Goes All Out To Save Baby Puffins
[Read on Smithsonian]

There’s a new Bobby Fingers diorama out
[Michael Jackson’s Pepsi advert]

Still Bored?
Nevermind by Nirvana recreated using the Super Mario 64 sound bank
[Listen on YouTube]