The Second Serve // Llama Drama

An interesting document has been brought into evidence in Ghislaine Maxwell’s trial: the employee handbook handed out to staff at Jeffrey Epstein’s Florida estate.

For the most part, the 58 pages are filled with mundane property maintenance tasks (how full Epstein’s toothpaste tube should be at any given time; what temperature the pool should be kept at, etc.) but the page that’s drawn the most interest is early on.

Page 4 tells staff how they should dress, how they should make Jeff’s guests feel welcome, and states quite clearly: “Remember that you see nothing, hear nothing, say nothing”.

The unfortunate title of that page? “Grooming And Guest Relations”.

Thursday’s story that Jerry Seinfeld’s cat is engaged to be married to Barbara Bush’s cat was definitely weird, but we’ve since been informed of a much weirder celebrity/animal family tree.

In his off-hours, Alexander Armstrong is a llama farmer. In his herd is a llama named Darren, who he inherited from a friend after Darren had sex with his own mother and got her pregnant.

The resultant inbred baby llama was carried to term and named Craig. Craig was castrated so as not to cause any further complications in the gene pool and ended up living a sedate, sexless existence with another llama named Vera. On Matthew Parris’s farm.

As Martin Clarke sends shockwaves through the media world with his unexpected departure from the Mail, here’s an interetsing little memory from a quarter of a century ago…

slushpopcorn writes:

“When I was a graphic artist at a Scottish newspaper back in 1997, I sat in on an editorial conference where the subject of the new-fangled internet came up. The news editor told us of a report that predicted everyone would be consuming their news and entertainment through this medium in the near future. The editor considered this to be nonsense, and made his opinion crystal clear through the use of some strong Anglo-Saxon epithets.

“The editor in question? Martin Clarke, who went on to become editor of the MailOnline, the world’s most popular news website.”

Lauren Harries is currently selling a bunch of her old tat on eBay to make a few quid – telling her Twitter followers that a portion of the money she raises will go to the homeless and a helpline for gender depression anxiety.

It doesn’t look like they’re the only causes that will benefit though, because Lauren’s mum Kate also appears to be using the same eBay account to sell things too – and she seems less interested in Lauren’s causes. She’s been telling her followers that the money raised will go towards setting up a recruitment agency for vaccine sceptics instead.

C writes:
“Am thoroughly enjoying the tales of Sir Trevor McDonald’s foul mouth. Reminded me of a time when I was due to appear on the BBC News and was brought into the make-up studio beforehand to get de-shined.

“Two minutes after I arrived Huw Edwards sat down in the chair next to me and started chatting with his make-up artist. I couldn’t catch much of their conversation until Huw suddenly shouted with great enthusiasm, ‘He must have been on fucking drugs!’

“Huw was an utter gent. I’ve always felt very warm towards him after that.”

After mentioning the tampon-in-a-teacup food photography trick in Thursday’s newsletter, we’ve been tipped off to some of the other sneaky shortcuts used by the fancier supermarkets in their festive food shoots.

Instead of cooking a turkey for 4+ hours, the bird is cooked just long enough that so the meat doesn’t look raw when sliced – then the outside is smeared in Marmite and oil to make it look bronzed and glistening.

Soufflés are notoriously time-sensitive, so rather than trying to capture them in the precious few moments before they deflate, their tops are cut off, the ramekins are stuffed with newspaper and then the tops are replaced.

And so that prosecco and champagne looks extra fizzy and lively for the camera – they add a teaspoon of sugar to it.

Once again, we’ve sliced up another fifty songs and stitched them together in a set of strange orders for you to identify. This week’s themes are:

Mon/ Prince William’s Playlist

Tue/ ft. Sia

Wed/ Nine-Eleven

Thu/ Germany

Fri/ Politicians’ Desert Island Discs II

Now these quizzes have their own designated section of the site. Simply go to popbitch.com/latest-audio-quiz and the most recent quiz will automatically load for you.

[Play the latest audio quiz here]

On the Popbitch stereo today: Failed English by AVIV
[Listen here]

Fascinatingly intense Jeremy Strong (Kendall from Succession) profile
[Read on New Yorker]

Lizzo’s bum painting technique
[a.k.a. Lizzy Picasso]

Late contender for Headline Of The Year: “Woman Caught Breastfeeding Her Hairless Cat On A Delta Flight”
[Read on NYPost]