Popbitch
  • Latest Email
  • Stories
  • Archive
  • Club Popbitch
  • Quizzes
  • About

Paw Weddings And A Funeral

 

Slip something into their stocking that they’ll really enjoy this year. With December discounts across their site, LELO’s gorgeous range of sex toys and accessories contains something for everybody – and every body. Whether it’s for a lover, a friend, or a little Xmas bonus for yourself, a LELO gift will keep giving. And giving. And giving.
[Find your new favourite toy at LELO]
“Putting on a fresh pair of underpants really boosts your mood” – AJ Pritchard
logo
Free newsletter every Thursday subscribe
Email stories to us hello@popbitch.com
* The Queen v Rihanna
* More of McDonald’s potty mouth
* PLUS: How to not get cancelled
>> Paw weddings… <<
Tying the knot, doggy style
 

You think you’ve seen it all in celebrity news, then something comes along that makes you wonder if you’ve even begun to scratch the surface. This week, it was learning that Jerry Seinfeld’s cat, Javier, is engaged to marry Barbara Bush’s cat, Eleanor: a union that would make POTUS 43 Javier’s grandfather-in-law in a fur-baby family tree.

If the Seinfeld-Bushes need any inspiration for the wedding, they should hit up Sigourney Weaver. When Sigourney wanted to breed her greyhound (Petals) with her neighbours’ very handsome greyhound (Jimmy), rather than just have them rut like any normie dog owner would, she threw them a full doggy wedding ceremony.

She bought Petals a very expensive wedding gown (as Jimmy was so much better looking, she didn’t want her dog feeling overshadowed). Other dogs attended, all dressed up. They served them dog champagne and the happy couple were married with the line, “Bark now or forever hold your peace”.

Adam Sandler’s best man was his bulldog, Meatball, who was dressed in matching tuxedo and yarmulke for the wedding.
>> …and a funeral <<
One hell of a wake, man
 

Sadly, it’s not all hearts and roses event-planning for pets. Celebrities are just as often required to arrange funerals for our furry friends.

Rick Wakeman from Yes once held a successful memorial golf tournament at a course near the village of Diss in Norfolk. The event was attended by 150 people, with a speech afterwards by the man himself and a performance from a puppeteer.

The deceased, of whom this was in honour? A cat that his daughter had seen being run over near their home.

Whoopi Goldberg’s daughter’s dog, Filmore, got a full doggy wedding too. The mutts’ first dance was to At Last by Etta James.
>> Big Questions <<
Who’s asking what this week?
Which politician’s son has been posing for photos in nightclubs, then telling people to delete them because he “can’t be seen showing [his] Dad up”?
Male grooming can be tricky. Use the wrong gear and you can end up with a pair of knackers that look like the Mitchell Brothers after a pub brawl. But with a MANSCAPED Performance Package, containing their easy-to-use Lawn Mower 4.0 trimmer and range of special skincare products, your nads will be as handsome as a pair of Jason Stathams. Popbitch readers get 20% off with this link.
[Get yourself MANSCAPED]
>> Big Answers <<
Trick or treat gets no retweets
 

Back in October, we asked: “Which media pundit is actively trying to get himself ‘cancelled’ by pushing a weird social media campaign […] because he’s making a documentary about cancel culture and is hoping to bait the press into flaming him?”

The resultant documentary airs tonight: Cancelled on C4 with Richard Bacon. The campaign he was trying to push was called Sweets Aren’t Treats and looked to “#canceltrickortreat” by encouraging people to hand out apple segments on Halloween to curb childhood obesity.

Maybe Richard’s been living in LA too long, but it never seemed like Halloween was enough of a cultural touchstone here in the UK for anyone to get riled up enough to properly try to cancel him for it.

That said, the content-hungry piggies at MailOnline and the Telegraph ran a few short, predictable pieces on it. But as the campaign only amassed about 25 retweets in total over a month, and the website set up for it has since been taken offline, it seems unlikely it will have made the final cut for tonight.

More on Sir Trevor McDonald’s foul mouth – AR writes: “I’ve no idea who it was, but Facebook tells me that 11 years ago I met someone who had been called a cunt by Trevor McDonald. I very likely picked up the information in a hotel bar in Abu Dhabi.”
>> Fingerbanning <<
Fun in the Sun
 

With illicit Xmas office parties leading the agenda today, we were amused to see The Sun’s primary contribution to the discussion has been: “Grinch bosses BANNING kissing under their mistletoe at office Christmas parties over Covid fears”.

There’ll be no such fears at NewsUK. Last year, at the same time The Sun was busy dressing down Kay Burley and Rita Ora for attending parties in breach of Covid rules, the paper hosted its own secret rule-breaking Xmas bash – at which one of their senior execs was seen in his glass-fronted office flouting social distancing orders fingers-first with one of the company’s PAs.

Things will be different in 2021 though. Now that his divorce has gone through, this exec is apparently hoping to bring the same woman to this year’s party as his official girlfriend. Bless. Just one request from colleagues. If you’re going to do such graphic hand-stuff again, maybe take it to the toilets like civilized people?

Cardi B is entering the celebrity branded alcohol market. Her new product: vodka-infused squirty cream.
>> Strategic retreat <<
Kidnapped by hippies?
 

Now that he’s stepped down as Twitter CEO, Jack Dorsey will have a bit more time to relax and turn his mind to spiritual matters. A big fan of meditation, Jack enjoyed a Vipassana retreat in South Africa a few years ago.

It was slightly less relaxing for the other people there on account of the ex-Navy Seals and drones that Jack had brought along to stake out the hills around the centre in case anyone tried to kidnap him.

It was almost entirely unnecessary too as the people there barely even knew what Twitter was, let alone the bearded American weirdo who ran it.

In order to make their product look extra hot and steamy in adverts, Pukka Tea put tampons in the mugs they shoot as it gives off more dramatic and longer-lasting steam.
>> How do voo-doo? <<
The Queen v Rihanna
 

Obviously we all know the Royal Family is composed of ten-foot reptilian shape-shifters who drink blood, feast on children and worship Satan. That’s why everyone was so delighted for Barbados this week when they cut themselves loose from the British monarchy and declared Rihanna their national hero instead.

But such celebrations might be premature. For years, someone has been emailing Popbitch regular dispatches exposing the ‘truth’ about Rihanna – and the stories they relay make the Queen sound like Shirley Temple in comparison. Sure, Liz might have bumped off Diana but, according to this whistleblower, Rihanna:

* Has taken out hits on five music industry execs over the years, each murdered by a paid assassin for various slights

* Cultivated close ties with the police, who refuse to investigate any accusations made of her because she pays them off (and possibly has sex with them)

* Was, for a significant period, possessed by the Devil

* Threatened to kill a nurse who recognised her in ER

* Dabbles in voodoo to smite her enemies and once lost a nipple in a voodoo counter-attack

Tired of not sleeping? Try the REST 5.5% | 500mg CBD Oil from Grass & Co. before bed to help prepare mind and body for a satisfying sleep. Each drop blends the highest quality CBD with great-tasting botanicals Bergamot, Lavender, Hops and Vitamin B5 to reduce tiredness and fatigue. Get 25% OFF their award-winning REST, CALM & EASE ranges with code BESTREST25. For a better night and day.
[Meet REST here]
>> Members’ interests <<
The real cancel culture
 

The Spectator’s short-lived WokeyLeaks column never really bounced back from the minor media brouhaha it caused this summer when it came close to running a story on Marcus Rashford that transpired to be a hoax. The column has since been quietly dropped, but its writer – Heydon Prowse – is now back on the beat, giving interviews about the incident and what it tells us about the culture wars.

Off-mic, he’s also been telling people that the idea for an anonymous column came about because he really wanted to write a scathing piece about Soho House Tel Aviv, skewering the celebrity hangout by asking if they’d accept Gazans as members.

But he didn’t want to put his byline on it as he didn’t want them cancelling his own membership.

Tom Newton Dunn’s column for the Evening Standard yesterday called for tech companies to end anonymity on social media. To be fair, Tom’s commitment to online transparency is admiral. Unlike other journalists, he doesn’t even use a pseudonym when making edits to his own Wikipedia page.
>> Judge and (per)jury <<
The lie of the land
 

Despite the recent revelations that Meghan Markle had been telling porkies to the judge in her privacy case against the Mail on Sunday, the court of appeal has today ruled in her favour and there will be no trial.

The Sussexes will likely spin this as some great David v Goliath success, while the tabloids will cry about an Establishment cover-up – but, really, the legal case was pretty open and shut. Meghan held the copyright to that letter (not her dad, who only owned the paper it was written on) and while the MoS could have had a public interest case in revealing certain aspects of it, they chose to publish way more than was legally necessary.

But to take a step back from the particulars of Meghan v The Mail, the ramifications of this verdict may have a worryingly long tail.

The thing that helped to bring about an end to the notorious celebrity ‘superinjunction’ era was the principle that a claimant should have clean hands and be truthful. Failing to play straight with the courts is what did for cases like John Terry and Lord Browne.

Today’s result waters this principle down and shows there can still be rewards for a celebrity misleading a court. Champagne corks will be popping at Schillings as we speak.

Interestingly, the legal principle Meghan benefitted from is the one that stopped James Hewitt from making millions out of Princess Di’s private love-letters: Wills and Harry owned the copyright; James just owned the hard copies.
>> Popbitch Popquiz <<
Christmas is coming early
 

Good news! The annual Play-At-Home Popbitch Xmas Quiz will be ready early next week: ideal if you haven’t got an invitation for Downing Street drinks this December and are in need of something to do.

We’ll send out the details of how you can get your copy soon, but if you want to get a warm-up game in ahead of time, we have a November quiz on sale right now – with eight new rounds of gossip, trivia, music, a Tory sleaze mix’n’match, Plastic Surgeon or TV Doctor? and much more besides.

[Get it here]

Want a little extra Popbitch in your life? We’ve just launched a brand new supporter/subscription service: Club Popbitch – where not only do members get these monthly quizzes for free, they get an extra weekly mailout, daily music rounds and full access to the entire Popbitch site for as little as £4/month.
[Join the club…]
>> Hmmms <<
Thrillers, tickles, fugitive goats
 

Kendall Roy’s 40th Birthday Playlist
[Listen on Spotify]

Mix’n’match emojis
[EmojiMix]

International Local News: Steve The Goat gets loose
[An incredible picture]

How Justin Timberlake Came Undone
[Read on Slate]

Toward A Theory Of The 90s Dad Thriller
[Some incredible infographics]

Christopher Parker who played Spencer Moon in Eastenders is now a lawyer specialising in media industries
[Ignition Law]

Tickle Me Elmo and the Unabomber case
[A strange story on MEL]

Thanks to: CC, riz, TP, DL, MT, HD, Z, PK, AR, JW, HS, SB, ST, wienerbalcony
Old Jokes Home
Uranus is so big that the whole of the Earth could fit into it 63 times.
64 if you really relax.

Still Bored?
Dave Grohl’s disco covers continue
[This time: Copacabana]

Fancy Another?

  • Down The Juicer With Daubney
  • A Pocketful Of Yoghurt
  • A Dogging Oasis
  • A Proper CB
  • “…But I’m Lisa Scott-Lee?”

  • Privacy
  • FAQ
  • GDPR Statement