The Second Serve // Two Scoops

We’re sure your capacity for Prince Harry stories is getting dangerously close to the limit, but seeing as we’ve been telling these sorts of insider tales for decades – and the Palace is going to be too busy firefighting on every other front to bother with us – we figured now’s the time to add what we can to the wealth of muckraking, backstabbing and shit-slinging.

So here’s a few little bits and bobs that bear revisiting in light of the recent Royal revelations.

The UK papers got a little headstart on breaking all the best Prince Harry scooplets ahead of tomorrow’s publication date thanks to copies of the Spanish translation hitting shelves in Spain early.

It seems that there aren’t many journalists at Reach PLC who know how to speak Spanish though. Which is why the newsdesks there roped in their Spanish-speaking cleaners to help them translate their copy of the manuscript so they could rush some stories out.

In Issue 922 we asked:
“Which 3rd generation royal has an initially funny (but gradually grating) habit of unrolling friends’ banknotes when doing coke to say ‘Hello Granny!’ to the Queen’s portrait, before re-rolling it and hoofing their line?”

The answer? Prince Harry!

The “Hello Granny!” story wasn’t the only allusion we’ve made over the years to Harry’s (now-admitted) cocaine usage. Readers who’ve been with us from Issue 241 will know we’ve been nudging at this for quite a while – so we’re enjoying hearing it discussed openly.

Any suggestion that Harry only dabbled a couple of times is pure horseshit though. There was a time when it was so commonplace that Harry would use his palace security convoy to keep him secure when he went to pick up his gear.

Even on his dry-out (/”character building”) trip to Australia we had reports from bar staff down under that Harry’s trick for not getting caught chopping out lines while out on the town was to get the venue’s cloakroom staff to rack them out for him.

okayeoiny writes:
“Prince Harry was once complemented by a rugby team for being an able drinker. Unfortunately, his poor brother Wills dosen’t share this gift.

“A cousin of mine went to college with Will in Scotland. The young prince turned up (avec bodyguards) for a few scoops at a houseparty at my cousin’s and unfortunately had to be carried back out about two hours (and two beers) later. Perhaps why they were so strict on the “no photos” policy.”

One of the juicier headlines to emerge from early readings of Spare was Harry’s confession that he lost his virginity in a field behind a pub (thought to be the aptly named “Rattlebone Inn”) to a horse-loving lady who spanked his arse like a steed.

Harry is obviously well-placed to give a definitive version of these events, but his old schoolmates remember a slightly different story. According to their recollections, Harry did indeed lose his V-plates to an older lady – but they recall him saying he first got his rocks off at 13, to a 16 year old called Rachel.

Now that Harry has gone full scorched earth with the press and the palace, it’s likely that some of the deals previously struck to protect the younger prince from unflattering media coverage will be torched too.

So maybe now we’ll get to see those fabled pictures which have long been the subject of tabloid tittle-tattle. The set of snaps which appear to show Prince Harry demonstrating his oral sex skills on a doll.

Such has been the clamour for clicks with Prince Harry stories this weekend that the Independent rushed to publish a story based on an obvious joke tweet claiming that Harry got through his ‘darkest times’ by listening to a lot of (Jamaican dancehall artist) Shenseea.

The editorial team obviously missed all the cry-laughing emojis and memes under the original tweet, signalling that it was a joke – and have since pulled the story after getting roasted for falling for it.

For future reference, Prince Harry’s personal music tastes tend towards metal. During his time in the army he got into Anthrax, Slayer and Megadeth.

Last week saw quizzes on the topics of scandalous songs, big Number 2s and famous remixes. This week, we’ve got another five lined up, each made up of scraps from ten different songs. You just have to sift through to decide what the songs are and who performs them.

Give yourself a point for each title you get right and a point for every artist too. Ten songs; twenty points. Couldn’t be easier.

Monday’s theme: Bad Covers

[Play it here]