The Second Serve // Walker’s Quips

The financial pages have been filled with news about Primark keeping its head above water over the tail-end of 2023, while online rival BooHoo saw a huge slump in sales.

The line of clothing Primark created with Rita Ora is cited as one of the reasons they’ve done so much better – but that might not be the only factor at play.

The topbods at BooHoo clearly didn’t pay much attention to the Post Office scandal, as they’ve named their big IT and tech transformation project… Project Horizon.

Of all the rumours flying around SW1 at the minute, one we haven’t seen reported anywhere is the one concerning Michael Gove’s future plans.

If the Westminster rumour mill is to be believed, Gove intends to take a leaf out of Nadine Dorries’ book – resigning before the election to avoid any electoral embarrassment and rebrand himself as a literary figure.

Just what the bestsellers chart needs.

Kyle Walker’s second-family saga continues with yet more clinically stage-managed soundbites.

Kyle says: “I am a private man but I accept that I am a public figure and I need to address what I’ve done. It hasn’t helped that it has been played out in the media. But I’ve chosen to speak now in the hope that I can at least explain myself and enable my wife and children to have the privacy they so desperately need and deserve.”

The perfect overture to a tell-all interview that runs across pages 1, 2, 3, 4 and 5 of the Sun today. But our favourite quote is the one explaining why he’d decided to sleep with Lauryn Goodman.

“A lot was going on. It’s not an excuse. I’d ruptured my groin, I had a World Cup to get fighting fit for.”

In last week’s Club issue, we told you about former Chelsea player-manager Ruud Gullit failing to respond to a joke in a lift on the way to a testimonial dinner at Stamford Bridge. He can be forgiven for not being in the mood for laughs though, given the way his services had been dispensed with.

Back in the 90s, Chelsea somehow had the wrong number for the Press Association. Consequently they always sent their press releases to the fax machine on the racing desk, meaning one of the racing journalists would have to walk it over to the correct desk whenever such announcements came their way.

Chelsea sacking their manager was obviously dynamite – and the journo who couriered it across to the right desk on Chelsea’s behalf got a real thrill out of watching everyone erupt in excitement as some poor football sub hurriedly made sure the news made it to Teletext.

The Teletext page where Ruud himself found out he’d been shitcanned…

CM writes:
“In the early Eighties, I was the manager at the Coffee Shop in the Cumberland Hotel at Marble Arch. Miss [Eartha] Kitt was staying at the hotel for a few days whilst she was performing at the Hippodrome. We were informed she would be joining us for ‘breakfast’.

“She appeared alone at noon in a beaded cocktail dress, huge heels and full slap.

“‘Miss Kitt, it’s an honour to have you here. The staff would be extremely grateful if you would sign a menu for them,’ I said.

“‘Daaaahlink, I’ll sign anything for you if you bring me a beer,’ she growled.

“And that was her ‘breakfast’ for three days. Precisely at noon, she would arrive alone in a slinky, fabulous dress and ‘breakfast’ was two bottles of Carlsberg and a long, fine cigar.”

A few weeks back we promised to start a new feature in Club Popbitch – a “This Week In Gossip” style thing – where we’d look  in the archive at the corresponding issue of regular Popbitch to see what was happening roughly 22 years ago.

We did it once and then promptly forgot about it – but we should pick it back up as this is Issue #107 of Club Popbitch and Issue #107 of Popbitch was the one where we first reported on the practice of phone-hacking.

From PB107 (13/03/02):
Which newspaper showbiz desk has a trick for getting stories out of celebs’ mobile phones? (Two hacks simultaneously call a celeb’s mobile. One gets the answerphone, and types in 9, followed by 3333. If the hapless celeb hasn’t changed the default access code, the hack gets their messages, and can even delete them afterwards to cover their tracks).

Last week, we set you quizzes on the themes of Breakfast, Yellowjackets, Drag Race Lip Syncs, Ivor Novello Winners and more. This week sees another five to test the breadth of your pop nonsense knowledge.

You know the drill by now. You get a point for every song you correctly guess, a point for every artist too. Ten songs; twenty points.

Monday’s Theme: Masked Singers. Not contestants on the show, but actual masked singers…

[Play it here]

Interesting piece on music business lay-offs
[Read on Billboard]

An interview with Trump’s court room sketch artist
[Read on The Handbasket]

The weirdest penises in nature
[Read on Smithsonian]