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“I actually do like Peppa Pig; I watch it a lot” – Quentin Tarantino |
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Email stories to us hello@popbitch.com
* The conga-line of succession
* Sienna Miller’s missing moustache
* PLUS: Hideous wine from Jerry Hall |
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>> Pablo dummies << |
Rockers, know thyself |
The Smile – a band whose line-up features Jonny Greenwood and Thom Yorke – are on tour in Europe at the minute. Each night, their tourbus driver runs a themed pub quiz, pitting the band against their crew.
One night the theme was “Radiohead”.
The crew won. |
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The committee of the Myatt’s Field Dog Show have wasted no time in firing up the WhatsApp group chat to rewrite the contest’s constitution – blocking soon-to-be neighbours, the Johnsons, from entering any future show. (Poor Dilyn.) |
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>> Big Answers << |
Always who you least expect |
A couple of weeks ago, we asked:
“Which Tory MP once lured a parliamentary intern back to his house for (what turned out to be) an unexpected seduction attempt – with the promise of ‘Din dins south of the river’?”
The answer? Man of the moment… Chris Pincher MP! |
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The ‘piglet’ that Piers Morgan was cradling in the intro for his show last night was an elderly micropig (and the poor thing apparently got very travel sick on its way to the studio). |
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>> Big Questions << |
Who’s asking what this week? |
Which Married At First Sight star has been giving her OnlyFans subscribers some truly dirty content recently? At the end of one ambitious video, things accidentally got a little bit 2 Girls, 1 Cup. Only without the cup. |
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[Play Pick My Postcode here] |
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>> Potent problems << |
Vas deferens = vast difference |
For decades, Boris Johnson has managed to barrel his way through scandals of every stripe. Where colleagues and contemporaries would fold under the weight of disgrace, he somehow managed to withstand it. Yet now he finds himself wiped out by the sort of scandal he once would have easily brushed off with an idle hand. So what happened?
There’s a rumour going around about that sinus operation he reportedly had under general anaesthetic. There was a fair bit of suspicion surrounding it at the time, seeing as ops like that generally require the patient to take a week or two off work to recuperate, but Boris was present at both Rupert Murdoch’s summer party and a Tory donor bash that same night.
The talk is that Boris wasn’t getting his sinuses seen to at all. He was getting the snip.
And if there’s any truth to that, then the timing of this recent run of bad luck is really going to prey on the mind of a Classics scholar like him… |
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MP Guy Opperman’s resignation letter very helpfully came with a portrait photo. Squares nicely with the local nickname he earned from constituents: Guy Photo Opp-erman. |
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>> Poll position << |
Calling off the Hunt |
Having gone all in on Boris Johnson last time around, even when it made them look absolutely fucking unhinged, who will NewsUK get behind in an upcoming Tory leadership contest?
The official line on it looks to be Anyone But Jeremy Hunt. Although Rebekah Brooks despises Keir Starmer her dislike for him is eclipsed by an even greater burning hatred for Hunt. Why so? Because Hunt was the one who pulled the plug on the Sky takeover way back when.
It would put the company in a pretty sticky spot re: who to back if the next election was called between Hunt and Starmer, but Bex is already on the case. The Times ran a “Who Should Be The Next Leader?” poll on their site yesterday, which saw Hunt polling at 30% for a while. He no longer appears as an option. |
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Tory leadership hopeful Grant Shapps is the cousin of Mick Jones from The Clash. |
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>> Ab Drab << |
Jerry Hall’s wine pairings |
We mentioned last week that the Murdoch-Hall divorce was down to Jerry neglecting to invite the kids Rupert had with Wendi Deng to a big family get-together. But maybe the snub wasn’t deliberate? By all accounts, Jerry is a terrible hostess.
Ade Edmondson tells a story about the time he was invited to dinner with Jerry and Mick Jagger. Jerry had been trying to court Jennifer Saunders as she was angling for the Patsy role in a proposed US remake of Absolutely Fabulous. Ade says it was clear when she opened the door that Jerry had dressed up as Patsy and was hoping to use the dinner as a kind of impromptu audition. But if she wanted to nail the character, she failed in one major respect.
Mick noticed there was no wine on the table, so Jerry went to go and fetch some for their guests. She came back with the only bottle they had in the house, a half-open one that had a wisp of cling film wrapped around its neck, asking them “Does wine, like… kinda… go off?”
It does. And it had. But the pair choked it back anyway to be polite. |
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Ade Edmondson once walked into a pub, saw Nick Cave and immediately walked straight back out again because he didn’t want to see Nick do anything that would ruin his love for him. |
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>> Charles/Dance << |
The conga-line of succession |
No.10 isn’t the only place that will be seeing a change in management before too long. With the Queen winding down duties, Buckingham Palace will swap hands soon enough. One former high-ranking serviceman, who spent some time working for the Royal household and had nothing but praise for Liz herself, recently offered up a frank assessment of the next generation.
While he didn’t have much good to say about Andrew (“a lazy disgrace”), surprisingly it was Charles who came in for the most vicious tongue-lashing. His opinion?
“An utter cunt, who doesn’t deserve to lead a conga.” |
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What is real pleasure to you? A warm summer evening? A free weekend? Or a whacking great orgasm? If it’s the latter, you’re in luck as the Knude Society is giving Popbitch readers 15% off all purchases right now – including their bestselling vibrators, Lennon and Gwen. With 10 speed settings and vibe patterns, all whisper-quiet for discretion, show yourself some love and reclaim real pleasure. [Use code POPBITCH15 here] |
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>> No way, sis << |
Don’t you Noel who I am? |
One of the hardest places to get into at Glastonbury is the NYC Downlow – a tribute to the New York queer disco scene. People queue for hours for a prized stick-on moustache, the ticket to entry. Without one you’re simply not getting in.
On the Sunday night, just before Roisin Murphy took to the stage, there was a bit of commotion at the door. A couple of punters were being turned away for not having the correct face furniture – one of whom was Sienna Miller.
The bouncers weren’t having any of her “Don’t you know who I am?” type pleading. And she protested even harder on behalf of her companion – saying very loudly, to no effect whatsoever – “but it’s Noel fucking Gallagher!” |
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Sinitta, in an interview with the Sun this week, says she hasn’t spoken to Brad Pitt in years but “we do have a lot in common. We both have adopted children and our children speak French.” |
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>> Piss’n’tell << |
George Osborne rides again |
Now that he isn’t juggling a million and one jobs, George Osborne is cropping up in the strangest places.
He was at Glastonbury this year where the first thing he did upon getting his Range Rover through the VIP vehicle gate was to jump out and take a piss on the side of the path (clearly not up to speed with Glastonbury’s well-publicised “don’t pee on the land” campaign).
It sounds like he has been keeping his hand in with a bit of freelance consulting for some old pals though. We hear he was one of the people who helped Sajid Javid punch his resignation speech into shape. |
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Finally, a positive celebrity sink update: Jimmy Fallon spotted coming out of a toilet cubicle at the Connaught in London – a certified handwasher. |
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>> EastEnded << |
Memories of Mona |
HS writes:
“A few years ago I was on an easyJet flight to Spain and was sat next to Mona Hammond (RIP), who played Blossom in EastEnders. Once airborne she went into her bag and produced the dice game ‘Pass the Pig’, and asked if I wanted to join her in a game. She took it quite seriously, keeping the scores on a little notepad she had, and she was absolutely lovely. She beat me quite comfortably and then had a little nap.” |
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If you saw the story about Noel Gallagher and Rita Ora gatecrashing the disabled access platform at Glastonbury at the weekend, we ran that in the previous Monday’s Club Popbitch members-only newsletter. If you want that mailout – plus a whole host of other goodies – consider singing up.
[From as little as £4/mo] |
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Thanks to: RJ, monstris, DB, JMR, ED, the_narwhal, RP, A, TD, RDS, DM, anon, GS, HS, VA, bobbi_fleckmann, ME |
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Old Jokes Home
Made some fish tacos the other night.
Turns out they do not like Mexican food.
Still Bored?
Write your own MP resignation letter
[Join in the fun!] |
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