Cocaine Teabag

The Dyson Report gives both barrels to Martin Bashir over his duplicity and deceit in trying to secure an interview with Princess Diana, and if anyone cares to go digging as to how he came to secure his equally infamous Michael Jackson interview they’ll probably find more of the same there too.

Bashir spent weeks badgering Uri Geller to try to help swing the Jacko interview for him, pleading with Uri, almost to the point of tears, and offering to let him see a previously unseen, allegedly very revealing, letter from Princess Diana.

When Uri got in touch with someone at the BBC to complain about the endless harassment, one of the questions they asked was “Has he burst into tears and offered you the Di letter yet?”

There’s a very star-studded street in Brighton where all manner of celebrities live. Known locally as Millionaire’s Row, at various times its residents have included Adele, Paul McCartney, Zoe Ball, Fatboy Slim, Nick Berry and David Walliams – but there’s no telling who you might meet if you’re ever invited there.

One lucky 19 year old who had the pleasure of bumping into Walliams at the local Crazy Golf was invited, by Instagram DM, to pay a visit to his house one evening. She had got the impression that it was going to be a cosy night a deux, so you can imagine her surprise when she turned up to find two small children there too.

“Don’t mind them,” said Walliams, ushering her in. “I’m just babysitting.”

They were Elton John’s kids.

Which notorious industry sex pest was once let go by his agent after he mistakenly sent them an email he’d intended to send his girlfriend? The confusion was quickly cleared up, but the email was so menacing in tone that even a showbiz agent felt it was a bit much…

Which? Recommended four years in a row

Saturday night sees the highlight of Europe’s cultural calendar: the Eurovision Song Contest – and, after a year of lockdown delirium, we’re glad to say the competition is as bonkers as ever.

We’ve put together a free, full-colour 60 page guide to the show, ensuring you don’t miss a single mad moment of it, including:

* Church-censured devil worship!
* Angels with Tourette’s!
* Icelandic 8-bit indie disco!
* The dancing ghost of Michael Jackson!
…and much, much more.

Now fully updated for the Grand Final, and formatted to fit your phone, it’s like having Popbitch by your side for the show.

[Get the guide here]

San Marino have pulled off the coup of the contest by getting Flo Rida to make a guest appearance on stage. Eurovision hasn’t seen a celebrity cameo this big since Dita Von Teese silently waggled about a bit during Germany’s piss-poor entry in 2009 – but how the hell did small-fry, two-time qualifiers San Marino manage to land such a huge star?

It’s certainly not Flo’s love for the contest. Organisers were still busy explaining what Eurovision was to his entourage while he was on stage for the second rehearsal (he’d missed the first because he’d been booked to judge a bikini contest in Miami).

Obviously it’s a money thing, but who’d stump up the cash needed to fly an A-List rapper to Europe in the middle of a pandemic just to help hoof San Marino into the Top Ten?

Weirdly, the word is that it’s… Panini. The sticker people.

If you didn’t catch the semi-finals, then you’ve sadly missed some of the more notable acts of the year who failed to qualify for Saturday’s show.

* Poland – who sent Rafał Brzozowski: a former host of their version of Wheel Of Fortune – which, in Poland, has a house band who let Rafał do terrible karaoke at the top of various episodes. Songs like Blue (Da Ba Dee), Gangnam Style and Hall & Oates’ Out Of Touch.

* Georgia – who sent Tornike Kipiani: the inaugural winner of X Factor Georgia, who made his name on the show by performing a heavy metal harmonica version of Kylie’s Can’t Get You Out Of My Head.

* Denmark – who genuinely might have been time-travellers from Eurovision 1987.

Luckily for all of us though, most of the batshit spectacles made it through…

* MALTA: The bookies’ favourite for months, Destiny’s odds have been drifting out – and she’s been drawn to go 6th out of 26, long before everyone at home is properly juiced up. She’s got an uphill fight.

* ICELAND: Robbed of an obvious win last year; now Covid has scuppered them again. One of the band tested positive for coronavirus, so they’re having to enter footage from their rehearsal instead of performing. Might make for a cute Covid underdog story, but more likely has sealed their fate.

* UKRAINE: Utterly bonkers folk-rave thing that sounds like Enya double-dropping. Totally inexplicable, completely unhummable, absolutely unforgettable.

* FRANCE: Classic melancholy chanson that will make you want to cry, smoke and chuck red wine down your throat by the carafe.

* FINLAND: A welcome blast of early-00s nu-metal in the proceedings; a raucous call to do shots, throw up and stick your middle finger in the air

* ITALY: Part androgynous glam rock; part Terrorvision, they’re the favourites as we approach the home stretch. Can Italian rock-rapping seal the deal?

* SAN MARINO: After opening semi final two, the star power of Flo Rida has clinched San Marino a prime spot – closing the whole show. Could it net them an unexpected win?

[Get the full overview with our free guide here]

This year’s Heritage Act comes courtesy of Belgium, who have sent late-90s trip-hop darlings Hooverphonic to represent them. The resemblance between singer Geike and EastEnders star Michelle Collins caught our eye – and it reminded us of a curious little story we heard last year that we still haven’t got to the bottom of.

DJ writes:
“About 15 years ago, my girlfriend was an ambitious young person trying to make her way in the competitive world of TV. She ended up on a night out with the star of the show she was working on, Michelle Collins. The two of them were the last ones standing at the end of the night and Michelle gave her a piece of context-free advice as she left in a taxi:

“‘Never trust Graham Norton'”

Anyone know what caused that unlikely showbiz rift? Know any better ones? hello@popbitch.com

More from our Excellent Equestrian Excuses desk: it’s just been confirmed that a Canadian showjumping team has had their ban at the upcoming Tokyo Olympics upheld after an unsuccessful appeal. The rider in question insists that she never takes illicit substances and had instead had unknowingly made a cup of tea with a hotel teabag that contained cocaine.

As for last week’s stablehand who supposedly took cough syrup for his Covid, then pissed on a horse’s hay bale: we hear from a horse trainer that hay bales in US stables are generally hung from the ceiling, so horses have to look up, rather than down, to eat – which makes that pissing all the more impressive…

Last August, just before we sent our 1000th issue, we mentioned that a new study had found that human sperm have a similar swimming style to otters. As otters and sperm represent two of our readership’s keenest interests, we figured you’d want to know.

Sadly, we have just learned that the study was retracted earlier this month in academic disgrace – and there is, in fact, no conclusive evidence to suggest that sperm swim like otters, or vice versa.

We cannot tell you how sorry we are for the error.

AI turns the Spice Girls into Nine Inch Nails
[Listen on YouTube]

Users on Douyin (Chinese TikTok) are finding alpaca content is getting censored – and there might be a weird, semi-NSFW reason for it
[Read on The Register]

The Royal Tenenbaums house is up for rent
[$20,000 a month]

A history of Rowans in Finsbury Park
[Read on TimeOut]

The Scrappy Doo Wikipedia Mystery
[Why is it so long?]

How big are Korean boyband BTS? Their new tune Butter is out and fans are watching it in such huge numbers, that thousands of other people are just watching a live stream of the view count going up.
[Watch live view counter]

Chromeo have remixed Iceland’s Eurovision entry
[Listen here]

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