“Don’t. Don’t Clean Them.”

Realistically, what are the chances of Phillip Schofield appearing on ITV again? If you read Saturday afternoon’s statements, you might have thought they were slim-to-middling. If you caught Monday’s bloodless “tribute” to him on This Morning, you probably dialled them down another notch.

Behind the scenes, the odds are looking longer still.

Word is that Holly Willoughby didn’t go to This Morning editor Martin Frizell to get Phillip axed. She didn’t go to the channel’s Managing Director Kevin Lygo either. Taking no chances, Holly went over both of their heads and brought her complaint to ITV’s Chief Exec Carolyn McCall instead.

So if the order to kill Phil came right from the top, it’s hard to see how he makes it back from here.

Did you know that Gok Wan’s full name is “Gok Wan From The Television”?

That’s how he’s been heard introducing himself to people recently, at least.

Which guest got lucky with Lottie Moss at Jamie and Sophie’s Made In Chelsea wedding at the weekend – and is now about to get a whole lot less lucky with their other half?

As Chris Eubank Jr postpones his rematch with Liam Smith for a second time, boxing fans will be disappointed at the wait – but this is typical behaviour from the Eubanks.

One TV crew who went round to the Eubanks’ house to interview Chris Sr remembers being left in their garden for seven hours as they waited for him to arrive. The cause of the delay? He was having his trousers couriered from Brighton to Essex to be dry-cleaned and then returned to him so that he could look pristine for the cameras.

We’ve been keeping subscribers to our Club Popbitch Monday mailouts up to date on the weird stake-out situation that developed outside Rolf Harris’s house this last fortnight. As reports have since confirmed, Rolf actually died back on May 10th. This news didn’t catch Fleet Street on the hop though. They had reporters parked outside his place that same day trying to stand the story up.

Even though one camera crew was convinced they’d spotted a bodybag being removed from the house, they couldn’t get confirmation on who was actually in it. The family remained tight-lipped as they were keen to avoid any Savile-esque desecration drama, and because even the most hardened PR wouldn’t touch the grizzly old paedo with a ten-foot press release, there was no-one reporters could approach for a statement.

This resulted in a media-wide stand-off between a gaggle of hacks and a man they were 99.9% convinced was dead, with no-one ever quite feeling confident enough to hit “Publish” on the obituary.

Which is why everyone ended up running all those “Rolf Harris Gravely Ill” articles the weekend before last – two days after he’d actually snuffed it…

JH writes:
“When I was about eight my dad took me to see the panto of Cinderella at Wimbledon Theatre. Afterwards we waited at the stage door to meet the famous TV personality playing Buttons who kindly signed my programme and drew me a doodle before telling me the following joke:

“Have you ever heard of the oomigoolie bird? It has a six foot wingspan but one inch legs. Whenever it lands you can hear it call ‘ooh me goolies’.

“The celebrity talking genitals to a child? Rolf Harris.”

She’s been almost a year in the finding, but the Times has finally secured itself a Deputy Editor. We told you last summer that execs were having a hell of a time trying to find a woman willing to take the role after the paper’s former editor John Witherow had creeped practically every eligible female candidate out of the running.

Maggie O’Riordan starts in June and media watchers are keen to see if she’ll exert any influence over current editor Tony Gallagher. You might remember Tony drew a bit of flak last June for deleting a damaging story about Boris Johnson trying to hire Carrie as his chief of staff – and it seems Tony is still doing his best to run interference for BoJo.

The Times landed a huge scoop this week, breaking the story that the Cabinet Office has referred Johnson to the police over a new set of alleged lockdown-breaking gatherings at Chequers. For some reason though, this highly explosive story – which made its way onto the front pages of the Mail, the Express, the Telegraph, the Mirror, the i and the Guardian – only made it as far as page 9 in the Times. Such modesty!

Last week we alluded to Richard Madeley’s dismal sounding tuna-and-crisp casserole recipe. It turns out Madeley isn’t the only household name with a signature tuna bake. We’ve since learned Sir Anthony Hopkins’ recipe, which we reproduce faithfully here.

* 1 tin of tuna, water packed
* 8oz noodles, pasta shapes – really any sort of pasta
* 2 tbsp chopped onions (optional)
* 1/2 cup vermouth (optional)
* 2 cans mushrooms (not condensed sort)
* 2 tubs sour cream
* 2 tsp curry powder
* 2 tbsp Worcester sauce
* Salt and paprika to taste
* Grated cheddar cheese

Cook noodles. Drain tuna. Mix all ingredients except cheddar cheese and put into casserole. Top with the cheese and bake for 30-40 minutes in a moderate oven.

Deeply childish, this, but it combines our twin loves of cute animals and foul language.

There’s an online service called Cat Radar, where local people can be alerted to missing cats in their area, crowdsourcing the search in the hopes of reuniting them with their owners. So if you live in Wakefield and heard a bunch of your neighbours wandering around yelling “CUNT!” to nobody in particular this week, this is why.

Cunt is the name of a cat that went missing on Princess Street this week.

And, thankfully, was later found.

Why are the standing ovations at Cannes always insanely long?
[ABC explains]

An unexpected Chris Morris appearance – delivering the LMC Conference’s keynote speech
[Watch on YouTube]

A TikTok account that reviews the experience of taking a shit in VIP bathrooms across America
[Watch here]

The butter churn that Mel Giedroyc was suggestively grinding at Eurovision is being put into a museum
[An artefact for the ages]

Alan from Depeche Mode’s house is up for sale
[A snip at £4.5m]

An interview with Markus Clink, pop photographer
[Read on i-D]

“I Used Grimes’ AI vocals To Make A Hit – Here’s How I Did It”
[Read on NME]

Tortoise Media takes a look at the headaches David Walliams has caused his publisher
[Listen on Spotify]

Still Bored?
Want to invest in a Rolf Harris original?
[Still a roaring market out there]